more than a swale, less than a pit of despair

i've been down lately. not happy. depressed. fortunately, it is not the debilitating depression where you simply cannot function, feel, or care, but the way i feel is not good for my family, the Peanut, or myself.

i'm tired of busting ass at work. it starts the minute i walk through the door and doesn't end until i leave at the end of the day. i inhale lunch at my desk and continue to work non-stop, whether it's a call to another time zone, or another fire i end up putting out (usually not billable time). i can't turn off the overwhelming feeling of responsibility. i can't take a few precious minutes for myself.

i spend about an hour and a half (a pittance) with Punkin in the evening, yet i find myself looking at the clock, looking forward to his bedtime routine. i am disgusted at myself to admit that. it's not as though i start having a rip-roaring time after he goes to bed. typically, i throw in a load of laundry and make his lunch. the fact is, i am physically, mentally, and emotionally capable of nothing else. if i'm not quiet, i'm a basket case. i feel bad for el Jefe' to see me this way; i'm sure it instills worry in him how i will handle part-time single motherhood when he's up North. i share those worries, of course in my own hypersensitive superlative degree. how the hell am i going to handle it (just handle it, not even succeed) when i feel this way?

a small part of me attributes the exhaustion to my 3 am internal alarm clock. on a really good day, i can make it until 4 am without the trivial worries in my brain spinning like the Tazmanian Devil. lately it's sometimes after 2 am; i lay there and try to go back to sleep, and give up around 3 am. i get an hour or two of productivity, usually for work (duh, that's why i resent my days being so long, when i donate a couple hours everyday). i think i'm getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep. i used to get more. more importantly, i want more.

i know that i have everything in the world to be thankful for and enjoy. i just can't do it in this frame of mind.

my wish list for Punkin

considering that i am a pessimist, and suffer from depression (and degenerative disc disease), and generally have low self esteem, there is very little of me that i hope the Punkin inherits from me. he has my brown eyes, much to the dismay of many individuals who hoped he would get el Jefe’s stunning blue eyes. he has my nose.

he scares me with his organizational skills during play; it borders on anal. it started with balls. one morning, he brought all of his balls (and a balloon) into the kitchen and lined them up on the floor. and then he tried to line them up on the countertop. when he plays with Legos, he likes to build towers out of the blocks of the same shape and the same color (i.e. a tower of square yellow blocks, a tower of green rectangular blocks, etc.). i’m pretty sure he gets that from me and my OCD tendencies.

Punkin sucks his thumb to the point it has a callous. i sucked my thumb well into kindergarten. when the orthodontist installed prongs, i learned to suck my thumb on the side of my mouth. i finally stopped when the same orthodontist put me in a headgear with a plate at the roof of my mouth; basically, my choices were suffocate and suck my thumb or breathe. i chose breathing. and then i chewed my fingernails. and i eventually i became a smoker, which in some way relates to this oral fixation. not the legacy i’d like to leave my child.

the genetic damage has been done. what i’d like to give my son is the ability to:

maintain an open mind
be creative
enjoy every day on this earth even in just a small percentage of the way he touches me everyday
know in his heart he is loved unconditionally
be confident with who he is and what he does
be genuinely happy.

those certainly aren’t “parts” of me, but he certainly deserves them.

some of us take baby steps

so i spent the past 45 minutes trying to redesign my blog. can't you tell? i entered a contest to win a new webdesign for 2007. i think they went out of business. so, i was embarrassed as i read other non-professional blogs, and decided to try to figure it out for myself. mind you, i am self-proclaimed at lacking computer and internet skills. my first programming was with a stack of cards and a card reader (i think one step beyond a slide rule). needless to say, i doubt you are impressed and i am certainly not delighted.

we have one of two sinks installed in the master bedroom. i downloaded maps and floorplans of our apartment short list. i got info on a couple day cares. i found out my bank has one (1) branch up North. it is readily apparent we are moving to an area of 1/4 the population, not that that's a bad thing, it just adds to our challenges.

Punkin has been having conversations with me. yesterday we talked about how the bananas were all gone, and that we would get more bananas from the grocery store, and that he would go to the grocery store with mommy or daddy. multiple word sentences, as well as multiple sentences. both of our vehicles "ding" when it's time to refuel; mine also dings when the temperature is below 40 degrees. (no, i don't know why.) Punkin hears the "ding" and says "mommy's blue car needs gas." that blows my mind.

oh, to be able to grow and change and expand your horizons by leaps and bounds on a daily basis without fear or trepidation or hesitation.

friday rant

i’m having these periods of extreme bitchiness which lead to minor melt-down. of course, i only have them in the evening and i end up taking it out on el Jefe’. i’m relatively ok at work, whether it be distraction or denial, or the fact that i have nothing to tell. Ok, maybe a little. El Jefe’ got a promotion and we’re moving North.

who? well obviously all of us, but due to the when, it’s not at the same time.
what? our stuff, our stuff that fills over 2,100 square feet and a three car garage quite nicely (fortunately, we don’t have a basement; unfortunately, we can’t park in the garage). but do we need it all? do we go on a donation binge? what do we need now? what do we need later? what? what? what?
where? what city? i don’t know. North.
another where? house, apartment , condo, cardboard box? i don’t know.
when? el Jefe’ is supposed to move sometime in February. i don’t know about me and the Punkin and the two dogs and all our stuff. my due date of June 2 plays a factor in all of this.
how? well, the fact is we have the option of using movers TWICE, yet el Jefe’ is still talking about renting a U-Haul. i informed him Tuesday that my doctor said an eight-hour drive through the middle of nowhere is infinitely more risky than a one-hour plane ride. my “condition” is obvious. yet he assumes we can’t get a mover in time (because he has made a mere four calls regarding this move, to apartments, and we don’t have much more info than i found on the internet). can’t you just hear the sarcasm and bitchiness in my tone? i’m sure you can just imagine what a joy i am to be around.
how much? whatever it takes to run two households for an unspecified amount of time. can you say money pit?
why? because el Jefe’ got a promotion, and the infamous “they” out there say change is good.

we have plane, hotel, and car reservations to go up SuperBowl weekend to look for stage 1 housing. i did most of that myself. i’ve downloaded info on stage 1 housing over probably a three sessions. his four calls were made on Tuesday, and he has forgotten, or hasn’t had time, or hasn’t gotten around to it since. he’s working tonight and tomorrow, and the great sink project is supposed to continue on Sunday. we don’t have a back yard; we can’t get the dog stains out of the carpet; we need an electrician; oh yeah, and we need an agent and a buyer to sell this house. yadda yadda yadda.

alls i know is El Jefe' got a promotion and we're moving North.

weekend update, without the weekend

an aside: i found the ads posted here amusing. one was for sewer video, which i know something about as i have coworkers who analyze such video for a living. the stories are disgusting. and the other is about ISO training. again, i know something about it. i know enough about these things to know that folks who are doing internet searches would be cruely disappointed by linking to my blog. maybe they're not the only ones ...

another update: the faucet installation success story ended this past weekend. we bought new faucets with supplies on 4-inch centers, and el Jefe's sink is sporting 4 1/4-inch centered holes. he subsequently purchased two new drill bits (appurtenances!) to try to remedy the holes. unfortunately there is talk of purchasing another tool for said drill bits. so far, only two trips to Home Depot. i think the underlying problem was lack of beer.

i went to the ob/gyn yesterday. if you're tracking my progress (i am, and this effort is to keep me honest?) my weight is at 159. blood pressure is an acceptable 114/70. i am not so proud of the 159 part. i weighed 161 just before Punkin was born, and i gained a total of 31 pounds. now i've technically got 19 more weeks to go, but technically, i've only gained 12 pounds. i know i need to show some restraint. and i need to get in the pool more than once or twice a week. that's going to be harder when i become a part-time single mother.

the move: i'm trying not to make it worse on el Jefe'. he's going to be alone several days a week, too. he has credit card debt that he's working on, that won't go away, that i won't pay off on principal (he needs to learn to control it himself), and there is no doubt that this move is costly (in more than dollars) and the interim, while temporary, is like running two households. we make do fine with one, nothing extravagant, but two is a little daunting for both of us.

i just hope he's not spending as much energy worrying about it as i do.

the camel's starting to look like a sway-back mule

i spent the weekend looking for "amenities" in our new area. area, because el Jefe's new office and my new office are 25 miles apart. chances are one of us will be commuting more. it makes some sense to relocate closer to my new office, as it is closer to the airport, and both of us will be travelling. but his new office is in a smaller town that has some charm. oh, and by "amenities", i was looking for libraries, pools, a parks and rec department, day care ... some basic quality of life issues for me.

and i looked for apartments that would take pets.

turns out our number 1 choice is assisted housing. we don't qualify by any means. everything else is about $300 a month more. we'll be paying 2/3 of our mortgage for a temporary place to live, in addition to our mortgage, until our house sells. el Jefe' is getting a raise, but not that much. the reality really stressed me out. it's only temporary. it's just money. change is good. hey gang, bring on the platitudes!

we broke the news to my parents on Sunday. we had them over for dinner, and the Punkin was the star of the show (no show required). Punkin took off his pants no less than three times before their arrival; i finally convinced him to put them back on by saying it was the only way i'd play with him. (is that a bribe or a threat?) i suggested we drop the bomb before dinner; although it could ruin everyone's appetite, it might ensure my parents weren't completely crocked and would remember the news. it was met with about thirty seconds of utter silence, followed by "then we'll move, too." of course it is more complicated than that, but that was how they expressed their choice and in reality, it has huge benefits in terms of travel and providing assistance to them. if only they can tolerate the move ... no less find a place to live (they're a bit more high maintenance than el Jefe' and me).

the rumor-mill was in full force, performing like a well-oiled machine. el Jefe's new boss made an announcement Friday afternoon, after 5 pm, and the congrats started flowing almost immediately. the kicker was my department manager and boss knew about el Jefe's promotion before i made it into work Monday morning (thank GOD i had warned them he was interviewing for the position!) the easy part is i will transfer. but there are a lot of unknowns. much like finding reasonable temporary housing.

i'm really not complaining (yet). trust me, you'll know. but the worries are adding up at an astonishing rate.

another straw, but the camel's holding up just fine

i got one of those phone calls yesterday that makes your heart stop. the receptionist in the office i was auditing said i had a page, i probably couldn't hear it, and my husband was on the phone. before total panic set in, i realized if el Jefe' was calling he was ok, so maybe it was the Punkin, or maybe his promotion, job, relocation thing.

fortunately, it was the promotion, job, relocation thing.

the good news: he got the job!

the bad news: he has to move in a month!

he was ready to turn it down because of the quick timeframe. shit, some people changes jobs with two weeks' notice (or less), but we've been in our careers and jobs so long we've forgotten what it was like. anyway, we arranged for us to talk over lunchtime, and we really tried to solve the world's problems in less than 45 minutes. i talked about flexibility and reasonableness, and temporary inconveniences, and temporary sacrifices. he had to make a decision the same day. i told him to either say yes, or maybe, but don't turn it down. and then i nearly had a panic attack.

el Jefe' accepted the position. i am so proud of him.

i've looked up parks, pools, and libraries so far this morning. i'd like to try to maintain a similar quality of life as we have here, if not improve it. we'll get an apartment and run two households for awhile, and i will become a part-time ( a couple days a week) single parent. do we get an apartment big enough for all of us, including the Peanut and two dogs? and then a house is the goal, but we've got to sell this one first (or at least get it on the market). and the Peanut, and the Peanut, and the Peanut ...

really, it's all good. i'm pretty sure i'll have plenty to keep me busy during my predawn hours of insomnia.

on the road again

the week has been nothing short of hectic. i was scheduled to leave wednesday afternoon for an audit in Walnut Creek, CA. my day started with several controversial emails from coworkers in other offices about my stupid government parking lot job, which continues to be a waste of time and money (and certainly my energies). i ended up being 10 minutes late for my biweekly ultrasounds. i was most frustrated by the fact that el Jefe' actually came to the appointment, which is rare. he is not one of those husbands that attends every appointment. frankly, i have too many, and i kind of look at is as my penance, my responsibility.

the appointment went fine. the Peanut is fine.

my flight was late. i returned to my car twice to make sure i locked it (pregnancy fog). i went through airport security twice (because it is so fun). i read probably a dozen process improvement nominations for my company's awards program, which will be celebrated in March following a trip to San Diego in February for final voting and awards program business. tentatively el Jefe' and the Punkin will accompany me to San Diego. that'll be a first in terms of my business travel in terms of the family tagging along. we'll see.

so i've been busy with the audit. we basically work 7 am to7 pm, and are very focused in order to get things done. i enjoy working with and very much respect the lead auditor. he has been a great sounding board, and a great mentor. my involvement in the audit program has guided my career in a slightly different direction, has provided the much-needed satisfaction that my unrewarding projects can't seem to provide, has opened a few doors, and frankly i've gotten some decent raises for the first time in my freaking 20-year career. i've been told those raises are due to my performance as a quality coordinator, which is a diffferent role than auditor but the two are complementary.

i'm on the schedule to audit our Portland office in October. i've all ready expressed my worries regarding the Peanut ... the audit schedule does not lend itself well to pumping every three to four hours. With Punkin, i just held off travel for 11 months until that part was over. i don't know where we'll be living (and absolutely dread the thought of cramming two adults, two kids, and two dogs into an apartment). but as the time passes, relocation looks like less of a possibility. i'm ok with that, a little disappointed, but it would be easier. i just hope we can focus some energy (and cash) into our current home (finish the back yard, replace flooring, maybe paint?) to make it more of a home. it's not really nesting. i'm just ready for a change.

i forgot to check-in on-line 24 hours in advance. now i'm in the B group tonight. i'm obviously off to a rousing start to commence some changes in my life. or maybe i'm just settling for mediocrity and the status quo.

hell hath frozen over

no, i’m not referring to the unseasonably cold weather that we are suffering through here in the desert southwest and beyond (across the country!). having spent over 30 years in the Midwest, in areas where cold temperatures are completely useless, snow is nothing more than a nuisance you have to shovel, and you can go months on end without ever seeing the sun, i know i have no right to complain about today’s high of 42 and low of 26 degrees (Fahrenheit). but i’m not complaining about the weather. i am commenting on the fact that a constant of the universe went awry this weekend.

el Jefe’, the Punkin, and i went to Home Dept this weekend. i had found a gift card when cleaning out the junk drawer (after el Jefe’ could not find one of the three rolls of tape while wrapping presents, so he had to do a late night run to the store Christmas Eve), unused, and if the gods were smiling and it hadn’t expired it would have a $150 balance! i’m pretty sure the gift card was a minimum of two years old, maybe more, because we get gift cards from el Jefe’s dad and i’m thinking this one was way-pre-Punkin (when we had time to work on the house, making it a home, instead of our current knee-jerk emergency repair strategy). we needed furnace filters. i wanted to replace two toilet seats that were cracking and disintegrating before our very eyes. and we needed to replace two sink drain pop-up stopper assemblies. el Jefe’ had removed the inoperable stoppers, leaving a gaping hole, which is far too tempting for a toddler. of course el Jefe’ and i disagreed on the size of pop-up stopper assembly, although the shelves were clearly labeled 1 ¼” bath and 1 ½” kitchen (or vice versa), but we did agree that we hate the builder-installed faucets. unfortunately the two gaping holes were not in the same bathroom, and one of said bathrooms has two sinks, so we ended up purchasing three faucets (and associated sink drain pop-up stopper assemblies). we are practical, but we have some taste, so we upgraded a little. thank god the gift card had not expired.

one bathroom is sporting a new toilet seat and new faucet as of Sunday afternoon.

i failed to mention el Jefe’ sent me on a beer run during the faucet installation. that’s to be expected. we’ve had plenty of 12-pack projects.

but i did not omit anything else from the story.

we accomplished a home improvement (or home repair) with only ONE trip to Home Depot. one initial trip. no extra tools or supplies needed. based on our past experiences, this is nothing short of a miracle.

i'll need to remember this after a tantrum

this is my amazing Punkin.

saturday we went for portraits to commemorate his second birthday. eventually i'm sure we won't go to this expense year after year. it's funny because he gets school pictures taken twice a year, yet i feel this desperate need to document him (professionally) close to his birthday. (yes, this photo was illegally scanned, but i did pay for it).

i thought for sure his eyes would be all red and puffy as he had a near melt-down before we left for the mall. Punkin got some overalls from his godfather for his birthday (a machine gun would not be age-appropriate ha ha ha) and he has yet to wear them. i've tried to put them on him three times, yet he is very insistent that he wants to wear "pants". Punkin got up from his nap Saturday wearing a t-shirt, sweatshirt, and green sweatpants, and it took nothing short of a miracle that he is not wearing that very outfit in this photo. fortunately el Jefe' heard my cries for help and came to the rescue. Punkin actually made it through three clothing changes during his photo shoot! (at one point, el Jefe' was encouraging him to "work it" like a supermodel ... you'd have to be there.)

Punkin is doing a lot of new things as a two-year-old, and these are the times i want to remember. even if he's very upset and his timing isn't the best, he is starting to show preference in terms of clothing. he asks for my help when playing or opening a container. he won't sit in his high chair or a booster, or wear a bib anymore. he makes big towers out of blocks, and with Lego's he prefers that the blocks are color-coordinated. today he announced that his tower was "beautiful". he loves to make tunnels out of blocks. he is constantly taking out the tupperware-like cake container lid and using it as a step stool (and he exclaims that he is tall). he sings songs independently (sometimes twinkle twinkle, sometimes happy birthday, and lately the little pufferbellies song). he wants to help, whether it is putting laundry in the backet, or taking something out to the recycle bin, or carrying something (anything but eggs) in from the grocery store. he knows his last name.

i could go on, but suffice to say there are many special moments. i so appreciate them.

epiphany

well, it has been two months and i am thinking about getting another haircut. ok, a trim. amazing since i went something like 13 months before my last one. plus i’ve got a coupon burning a hole in my pocket! too bad i don’t have another 10-inch ponytail to donate to Locks of Love. while i’ll admit the prenatal vitamins are good, they’re not THAT good.

i started the day dropping off Punkin a half hour early so i could get to a stupid project meeting, with a stupid client, with a stupid utility company that has received electronic files something like a dozen times on the project and has ignored our requests for relocation design for the past three years. the utility folks were late, and the meeting lasted 45 minutes and i easily spent the next four hours getting yet another set of electronic files together for the utility company. it’s all part of being a consultant. forgive me if i’m a little bitter that the stupid utility company won’t acknowledge me and i have been managing the project for the last three years. Punkin was none the worse for wear, but i resent messing with his schedule for such a frustrating and unrewarding job experience.

that is my struggle. i don’t think i could stand being a stay-at-home mom. Punkin is a wonderful kid, and yet i need some time away from him. i don’t think i can provide the social, educational, and artistic environment he gets at school. yet my career as an engineer is frustrating and unrewarding. i am transitioning into new roles as an engineer and am finding some things i like about my job, my career (which is amazing to admit to myself!), but i still dislike most of my clients, and marketing (schmoozing), and my projects are nothing to write home about. the projects are why i got into this business.

ah ha! maybe i’ve identified the root of my career dissatisfaction.

now what do i do about the haircut coupon that expires tomorrow?

five things you might not know about me

i needed a little inspiration, so thanks, Belle. my blog is still in its infancy and doesn’t get much traffic, so any five things i write you probably don’t know about me. i could say my favorite color is purple, and it would be a revelation to any reader. with much thought, contemplation, and honesty, here are five things you might not know about me:

1) my favorite color really is purple.

2) i am outwardly very conservative and practical (although my politics lean toward the liberal side). secretly i wish i was more artistic and creative.

3) the smell of freshly cut grass gives me butterflies in my stomach. (anxiety from my days competing as a cross country runner in junior high and high school.)

4) i was a victim of a violent crime two days before my 20th birthday.

5) i don’t think i’ll be around to see my kid(s) grow up.

if you’d like to know more, i’m willing to talk about it, too.

Punkin turns two!

Happy Birthday, Punkin! you’ve changed my life. even though el Jefe’ reminds me quite often you’ve reached the terrible twos, i enjoy you so much more every day. it’s not that i loved you less back then; it’s just that i love you more (mower) now. i have to admit it’s a little easier; you don’t depend on me for a “mommy meal” (sorry, those first eleven months were tough making sure you had breast milk past your first birthday), you can express what you want, and you can play by yourself (sometimes, and usually i would rather just watch you than take care of some household chore).

i used to sing you my own little “Super Baby” song nearly every day on the way to day care; each verse represents a milestone such as crawling or walking or talking. probably belatedly, i changed the song to “Super Boy” sometime this summer. and occasionally, recently, you have requested it.

the year has sped past quickly. you continue to grow (almost 30 lbs, and now you’re three feet tall!) and learn new things, and melt my heart nearly every day.

thank you for the best two years of my life.

what goes through my mind at 3:30 am (and doesn't stop)

as we approach Punkin’s second birthday, i am spending a lot of time worrying. i’d say “in contemplation”, but the plain and simple fact is that it is worry.

we had an early celebration of his birthday yesterday. Elmo plates, napkins, party hats and tablecloth, approximately 20 balloons blown up by el Jefe’ (without hyperventilating, and 20 because the 12-pack did not include purple), cheese and crackers and crab dip, chicken and noodles, carrot cake (sans raisins, because i remembered after pulled the cake out of the oven), cards and presents, all of which we shared with Nonna, Paw Paw, Gabby (their dog), La La (Punkin’s Godmother, and Corkie (La La’s 23-year-old daughter). Punkin got a lot of good loot and frankly any loot is more than we need.

we shared news of the Peanut with La La and Corkie. La La had noticed my ever-expanding size but was polite; of course they expressed happiness for us. Corkie announced she may be moving to Texas before the end of the year; my heart aches for La La as her life has been Corkie for the past 23 years.

Punkin loves to have company, and he sure acts up/shows off when people come to visit. he loves his grandparents; he loves the people in his life. should Corkie move to Texas, we can probably explain that. but what if el Jefe’ gets promoted and we move to the other part of the state? new friends, new teachers, new doctors, and very little Nonna, Paw Paw, Gabby, or La La. what happens when Nonna and Paw Paw succumb to age? or one of our dogs, his favorite, the incontinent one, who turns 15 in calendar years either this month or next, just doesn’t get up anymore? is Punkin going to resent being a big brother?

change is a fact of life, yet why do i worry so much about shielding the Punkin from the inevitable?

taking a little weight off my shoulders

i've been up since 2:00 am this morning.
i told my boss and my department manager today about my "delicate condition". (like i feel the least bit delicate! ha!)
we also discussed el Jefe's potential move (and i guess mine, too).
it's ok.

if this post had a soundtrack, it would be "flight of the bumblebee"

i feel like the proverbial chicken with its head cut off, and not a free range chicken at that. up at the crack of dawn (predawn) and go go go until i’m ready to drop, lately before dinner. my “break” is the occasional (but frequent) doctor’s appointment or trying to make an exchange at lunchtime. and it’s either or; if i have a doctor’s appointment, i end up working through lunch.

i have had various procedures on my cervix, all precautionary biopsies, that put me in a completely other category in terms of risk factor. being 41 puts me in the high risk category, and my surgeries just compound that. i go to a maternal/fetal specialist in addition to my gyn/ob. i’m convinced they just see dollar signs. i will have internal ultrasounds every two weeks for the next eight weeks. i see the gyn/ob either every four weeks or monthly (close enough). after i scale the bi-weekly cervical hurdle, i suspect i’ll have a break of a couple weeks and then i’ll be seeing the gyn/ob more frequently, and then fetal monitoring … with Punkin, i had three doctor’s appointments a week in my last month.

and i still haven’t told anyone at work. like i’m going to accomplish everything before i deliver the Peanut. yeah, right.

same story, different year

back to the grind, and i was reminded several times today of why it is a grind. i was out of bed at roughly 2:00 am, worrying that i needed to modify a contract initiation form (CIF) to include administrative tasks in Activity 001, instead of scattering them between Activities 001 through 003. seriously, i stewed about this. as my brain went into minutia over-drive, i headed downstairs to paint my toe nails and watch some idiot box in hopes that i would not disturb el Jefe’. i think i eventually got another hour and a half of interrupted sleep. no wonder i started the day cranky.

and no, i really wasn’t very cheery at work today. it started with a stupid question from a gen y coworker in the midst of my “go to the bathroom first while the decaf brews” routine. and then there was the CIF. and then i found an error in the CIF template; after three attempts, i think i got it right. (is the appropriate saying “third times a charm” or “three strikes you're out”?) i scratched my head for a couple hours on a project and informed the Project Manager we could never improve a deficiency using the client’s methodology (which means i was the messenger of bad news). i was nagged about two deadlines; a presentation due next week and an action item list due TODAY. (gee, thanks for all your consideration of an advanced warning, especially immediately after a holiday!) my department manager is supposed to put together the list, so technically it’s her responsibility, but she’ll ask me to handle it anyway. same with the presentation. oh! and my client who ignores our project wanted something today. i had a question for him last week, but he used weather in Denver as an excuse not to get back to me. then he wants a cost estimate TODAY. that’s a hot button!

i spent an hour in Toys R’ Us shopping for Punkin’s birthday. i really wanted to get him a concrete truck (i’m an engineer, and i taught my son to appropriately identify concrete trucks, not cement trucks). there was only one concrete truck in the whole store, age appropriate or not, and it was remote controlled, so i opted against it. i envisioned a sturdy Tonka truck, rated for 3+ but no. excavators, dump trucks, and even garbage trucks (where is that fascination coming from?), but no concrete trucks. i settled for an age appropriate fire engine, because Punkin can recognize fire trucks as well. he has so many toys, mainly due to hand-me-downs from the Middle and her twins, that i try to be very selective about what i get him. i want those few gifts to be perfect.

it’s not perfectionism that i am striving for in my life. but i don’t want to settle for mediocrity.

welcome to 2007, the psoup way

i'm struggling with the NEW Blogger, mainly because my Google account does not seem to like the fact i post from two different e-mail addresses. i liked the old Blogger because my username was my username, and not an e-mail address. great way to start the new year, with a complaint.

our home computer has an annoying pop-up virus. fortunately, it is only annoying. i've searched for it, deleted it, emptied the recycle bin, deleted cookies, and purged all temporary internet files and it still comes back. although i am disappointed that my tactics are unsuccessful, i am more disappointed by the cookies i found. pure vanilla (the only reason why i know what this is because i listen to Howard Stern, can you believe that?) and penthouse (well, duh). i didn't confront el Jefe' ... what good would it do?

i've worried a lot this weekend ... those needless, OCD-like worries that cause my pre-dawn insomnia. worried about finishing Christmas thank-you notes, worried about Punkin's upcoming birthday (party, presents, portraits), worried about the cleaning lady coming (pathetic), worried about el Jefe's upcoming interview and the prospect of moving, and worried about the Peanut (not recognizing movement, and having the shits doesn't help). i know, i know. el Jefe' says, and i agree, i need to get a life.

are my expectations too high in that i'd like to start the new year on a positive note?