i haven't posted in over six months. certainly i've had a lot to write about. i haven't had time. or i haven't made time. in retrospect, things aren't so bad except i feel so bad. i'm sad. i'm depressed. i'm frustrated. i'm irritable. i'm angry. the sum of which make me a pleasure to be around, i'm sure.
i saw a shrink today. el Jefe' accompanied me. i probably should've gone alone, but i certainly appreciated his support.
i beat myself up. i hate myself; i hate my life. but i didn't ask for help, or seek out help, to help myself. i did it to stop the deterioration i see in punkin.
i want him to be happy. i want him to be creative. but most of all, i want him to have some self esteem. in my current funk, i have become my parents. i am strict. i am hard on him. i expect too much of him (jesus, he's only three years old). i do a lot of yelling. i am physically forceful. i say "no" more times than not (so much so, that peanut understood the meaning of the word before she turned one). and i am not proud of this behavior, or the affect it is having on my son.
