more than a swale, less than a pit of despair

i've been down lately. not happy. depressed. fortunately, it is not the debilitating depression where you simply cannot function, feel, or care, but the way i feel is not good for my family, the Peanut, or myself.

i'm tired of busting ass at work. it starts the minute i walk through the door and doesn't end until i leave at the end of the day. i inhale lunch at my desk and continue to work non-stop, whether it's a call to another time zone, or another fire i end up putting out (usually not billable time). i can't turn off the overwhelming feeling of responsibility. i can't take a few precious minutes for myself.

i spend about an hour and a half (a pittance) with Punkin in the evening, yet i find myself looking at the clock, looking forward to his bedtime routine. i am disgusted at myself to admit that. it's not as though i start having a rip-roaring time after he goes to bed. typically, i throw in a load of laundry and make his lunch. the fact is, i am physically, mentally, and emotionally capable of nothing else. if i'm not quiet, i'm a basket case. i feel bad for el Jefe' to see me this way; i'm sure it instills worry in him how i will handle part-time single motherhood when he's up North. i share those worries, of course in my own hypersensitive superlative degree. how the hell am i going to handle it (just handle it, not even succeed) when i feel this way?

a small part of me attributes the exhaustion to my 3 am internal alarm clock. on a really good day, i can make it until 4 am without the trivial worries in my brain spinning like the Tazmanian Devil. lately it's sometimes after 2 am; i lay there and try to go back to sleep, and give up around 3 am. i get an hour or two of productivity, usually for work (duh, that's why i resent my days being so long, when i donate a couple hours everyday). i think i'm getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep. i used to get more. more importantly, i want more.

i know that i have everything in the world to be thankful for and enjoy. i just can't do it in this frame of mind.