i’m having issues with my father, specifically with regard to his interaction with Punkin. i was going to say “conversations”, but really what kind of conversation can an 83-year-old man have with a 3-and-a-half-year-old boy when the 83-year-old-man is irrational?
i first became aware of the issue when my parents were visiting to celebrate Peanut’s first birthday. Peanut is their only granddaughter; Punkin is their fourth grandson. Punkin and Paw Paw were outside and Punkin wouldn’t listen to some command or instruction. Paw Paw labeled my son “bad” and spent several hours pouting and ignoring my son. eventually i told my father, Paw Paw, that his job was to give my son unconditional love. it was a strained, difficult weekend, so i wrote it off as a symptom.
the last weekend of July and the first weekend in August, my parents spent both weekends visiting us; we’ve become a wayside for their timeshare adventures (because my father insists on driving everywhere). the first weekend was my mother’s birthday, so most of the attention was focused on her (and they stayed with us merely Friday and Saturday nights). the second weekend they arrived on Friday night and did not leave until Monday morning. my mother was sick, hacking, eventually diagnosed very close to having pneumonia. my father arrived with a belly ache which lasted a day or two. neither weekend was a rip-roaring time, but then again they never are, but i do not recall any specific incident between Punkin and Paw Paw.
as my parents were preparing to leave, they were doting on Peanut. Paw Paw was ignoring Punkin. Punkin pee’d in the corner of the living room. i didn’t make a big deal and got him cleaned up without a bunch of fuss, which is nothing short of a miracle for me … thank God for meds. as we were saying our goodbyes, Punkin wouldn’t give Paw Paw a hug and a kiss goodbye. i wasn’t about to force him to do it. Punkin did insist on waving goodbye as they left. and my father’s parting words to Punkin: “eventually you will realize what side your bread is buttered on.” needless to say this meant nothing to Punkin.
i wrote it off to another strained, difficult set of weekends.
one week later, i’m on the phone with my parents for the weekly obligatory phone call. my father’s opening words to me: “you tell your son he needs to learn what side his bread is buttered on.” my response: “he’s three and a half, and i will not have this conversation with you. we all love you. goodbye.”
my father’s messages have fucked me up for a lifetime and left me with low self esteem. fine. whatever. although he is ignorant of the pain he has caused me, i love him. atleast i know where the negative voices in my head come from. but i will not let him hurt my son. Punkin loves his Paw Paw, and asks when he will see him next. i don’t know what to say. i don’t want to expose my son to that for one second. i don’t care about gifts or an inheritance. my son deserves nothing less than the unconditional love i didn’t get, as it was obviously conditional.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Thursday, August 07, 2008
hell hath frozen over (again)
i ironed two pairs of pants (capris, actually, so it was an abbreviated version of ironing pants) and one shirt last night. the shirt was a stupid idea. it's a very nice white linen shirt, purchased by el Jefe', that i wore a couple weeks ago to a meeting with big-wigs and politicians in an attempt to dress up. that was a travesty as said meeting occurred on a Friday when normally it is acceptable to wear jeans and flip flops. the shirt was an afterthought; i needed to iron the capris because my hanging damp method didn't provide its usual results, and i thought i'd throw in the shirt for good measure, just in case i have to meet with the queen or something.
a linen shirt. that i won't be wearing for days, or weeks. that i will undoubtedly have to iron again before i wear it.
i must've been delirious. i do not recall when was the last time i ironed. it's not that i didn't need to iron. it's that i made do with the results of the hanging damp method, even if my wardrobe was reduced to five bottoms and five tops, since Peanut was born.
my boss made a comment a couple weeks ago about a golf shirt i was wearing needing ironing. need i mention he has a SAH wife? bite me.
a linen shirt. that i won't be wearing for days, or weeks. that i will undoubtedly have to iron again before i wear it.
i must've been delirious. i do not recall when was the last time i ironed. it's not that i didn't need to iron. it's that i made do with the results of the hanging damp method, even if my wardrobe was reduced to five bottoms and five tops, since Peanut was born.
my boss made a comment a couple weeks ago about a golf shirt i was wearing needing ironing. need i mention he has a SAH wife? bite me.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
i'm on drugs (again)
after more than four years, but less than nine years, i am on drugs again. an antidepressant, specifically Citalopram. (i included that link, as opposed to many others available, because it is my favorite source for information.)
i think i was first prescribed medication for depression nearly 20 years ago. my how time flies. i've lost track of what i've taken, and how long i took it. i remember the nuisance side effects. i remember spending three weeks in a psych ward while my shrink cranked up my dosage. i think at that time i was seeing three different doctors/therapists/counselors ... whatever ... it was bad, to the point i was hospitalized in a locked ward. after that, there was more therapy, and more drugs, and different doctors, and different drugs, and one that made me feel GREAT except that it sent my blood pressure sky-high, to the point they put me on something like Ritalin while i was coming off it. i moved out-of-state in late 1996, and don't recall finding a doctor, so i must've stopped taking medication. later, a counselor recommended a gyn-ob to put me on an antidepressant after a miscarriage. i followed through, but i don't remember for how long. i just know that when i was pregnant with Punkin i wasn't on anything.
so i got to the point (again) where i was willing to try medication (again).
so far, so good. not much nausea. i take it at night after dinner and fall asleep very soundly, pretty quickly. i yawn a lot during the day. but i feel better. not great, but better ... better enough that i'm afraid my blood pressure is sky-high again and they'll have to try something else.
and a month's supply is only four bucks. because i'm worth it.
i think i was first prescribed medication for depression nearly 20 years ago. my how time flies. i've lost track of what i've taken, and how long i took it. i remember the nuisance side effects. i remember spending three weeks in a psych ward while my shrink cranked up my dosage. i think at that time i was seeing three different doctors/therapists/counselors ... whatever ... it was bad, to the point i was hospitalized in a locked ward. after that, there was more therapy, and more drugs, and different doctors, and different drugs, and one that made me feel GREAT except that it sent my blood pressure sky-high, to the point they put me on something like Ritalin while i was coming off it. i moved out-of-state in late 1996, and don't recall finding a doctor, so i must've stopped taking medication. later, a counselor recommended a gyn-ob to put me on an antidepressant after a miscarriage. i followed through, but i don't remember for how long. i just know that when i was pregnant with Punkin i wasn't on anything.
so i got to the point (again) where i was willing to try medication (again).
so far, so good. not much nausea. i take it at night after dinner and fall asleep very soundly, pretty quickly. i yawn a lot during the day. but i feel better. not great, but better ... better enough that i'm afraid my blood pressure is sky-high again and they'll have to try something else.
and a month's supply is only four bucks. because i'm worth it.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
my Clampett commute
last month, this is how i got the kids to school (day care) nine times. according to this somewhat user friendly website i saved 55 bucks and 94 lbs of emissions.
i drop the kids off at school and ride another half-mile to work. the trailer actually has some cargo space so i can take my purse and important bag of shit (brief case) with a change of clothes and shoes, and lunch, and a diet dew, and my calculator (see profile), and all the other pieces of paper, and post-its, and colored pens i find oh-so-important that i drag them around on a daily basis. this is particularly important because i am hauling around close to 90 lbs of kids, trailer, and cargo behind a 20-year-old Raleigh Technium (add another 37 lbs) ... so what's the difference if i'm drinking regular or diet?
el Jefe' and i did one test run to and from school the day of the photo. Peanut fell asleep although she did not look very comfortable. Peanut wears Punkin's old helmet ... yes, i'm being thrifty and probably compromising the safety of the elders' only granddaughter, but i have not been able to find a new replacement for someone under the age of three ... said hand-me-down helmet is pointed in the back because everyone knows toddlers need to be aerodynamic. the point interferes with leaning back, so she turns her head sideways (point toward her brother) which he finds a nuisance. fortunately my commute is not in sync with nap time, so the pointed helmet is not as bothersome (to both kids).
the first day of the official commute, i got three calls at work that Peanut had a mysterious rash: the first call was a courtesy call; the second call was a recommendation that i pick up some hydrocortisone cream; and the third call was to take her home for fear she was contagious. so i stop at the grocery store on the way to get her, buy some cream, go pick her up, and coincidentally Punkin is on his way to the lunch room. of course he wants to go home with me, too. so within the span of three hours, i hauled both kids to and from school, went to work for a brief time, and changed my clothes four times. fortunately, this has not deterred me.
i tried a new route today ... a lot less traffic, to the point of being downright lonesome ... even Punkin asked, "Where are all the people?" the jury is out on that one.
i've ridden when it's over 100 degrees (el Jefe' picked up the kids), with an air stagnation warning and threats of stage 2 air quality (lack thereof), and through wind and puddles ... and i'm still not sure why i am doing this. i am saving gas. technically, i haven't saved money ... i'll need to ride roundtrip another 23 times before the trailer has paid for itself. it is my only form of exercise. sometimes one kid or another enjoys it. i especially appreciate the solitude on the ride home when el Jefe' picks up the kids. but i'm not passionate about any aspect of this.
i'm dreading the thought of buying some cycling clothes for fall and winter (i was born without the shopping gene, you know). but maybe my kids will actually get some use out of their hand-me-down snow suits this year?
i drop the kids off at school and ride another half-mile to work. the trailer actually has some cargo space so i can take my purse and important bag of shit (brief case) with a change of clothes and shoes, and lunch, and a diet dew, and my calculator (see profile), and all the other pieces of paper, and post-its, and colored pens i find oh-so-important that i drag them around on a daily basis. this is particularly important because i am hauling around close to 90 lbs of kids, trailer, and cargo behind a 20-year-old Raleigh Technium (add another 37 lbs) ... so what's the difference if i'm drinking regular or diet?
el Jefe' and i did one test run to and from school the day of the photo. Peanut fell asleep although she did not look very comfortable. Peanut wears Punkin's old helmet ... yes, i'm being thrifty and probably compromising the safety of the elders' only granddaughter, but i have not been able to find a new replacement for someone under the age of three ... said hand-me-down helmet is pointed in the back because everyone knows toddlers need to be aerodynamic. the point interferes with leaning back, so she turns her head sideways (point toward her brother) which he finds a nuisance. fortunately my commute is not in sync with nap time, so the pointed helmet is not as bothersome (to both kids).
the first day of the official commute, i got three calls at work that Peanut had a mysterious rash: the first call was a courtesy call; the second call was a recommendation that i pick up some hydrocortisone cream; and the third call was to take her home for fear she was contagious. so i stop at the grocery store on the way to get her, buy some cream, go pick her up, and coincidentally Punkin is on his way to the lunch room. of course he wants to go home with me, too. so within the span of three hours, i hauled both kids to and from school, went to work for a brief time, and changed my clothes four times. fortunately, this has not deterred me.
i tried a new route today ... a lot less traffic, to the point of being downright lonesome ... even Punkin asked, "Where are all the people?" the jury is out on that one.
i've ridden when it's over 100 degrees (el Jefe' picked up the kids), with an air stagnation warning and threats of stage 2 air quality (lack thereof), and through wind and puddles ... and i'm still not sure why i am doing this. i am saving gas. technically, i haven't saved money ... i'll need to ride roundtrip another 23 times before the trailer has paid for itself. it is my only form of exercise. sometimes one kid or another enjoys it. i especially appreciate the solitude on the ride home when el Jefe' picks up the kids. but i'm not passionate about any aspect of this.
i'm dreading the thought of buying some cycling clothes for fall and winter (i was born without the shopping gene, you know). but maybe my kids will actually get some use out of their hand-me-down snow suits this year?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
i'm back, because it is a homework assignment
i haven't posted in over six months. certainly i've had a lot to write about. i haven't had time. or i haven't made time. in retrospect, things aren't so bad except i feel so bad. i'm sad. i'm depressed. i'm frustrated. i'm irritable. i'm angry. the sum of which make me a pleasure to be around, i'm sure.
i saw a shrink today. el Jefe' accompanied me. i probably should've gone alone, but i certainly appreciated his support.
i beat myself up. i hate myself; i hate my life. but i didn't ask for help, or seek out help, to help myself. i did it to stop the deterioration i see in punkin.
i want him to be happy. i want him to be creative. but most of all, i want him to have some self esteem. in my current funk, i have become my parents. i am strict. i am hard on him. i expect too much of him (jesus, he's only three years old). i do a lot of yelling. i am physically forceful. i say "no" more times than not (so much so, that peanut understood the meaning of the word before she turned one). and i am not proud of this behavior, or the affect it is having on my son.
i saw a shrink today. el Jefe' accompanied me. i probably should've gone alone, but i certainly appreciated his support.
i beat myself up. i hate myself; i hate my life. but i didn't ask for help, or seek out help, to help myself. i did it to stop the deterioration i see in punkin.
i want him to be happy. i want him to be creative. but most of all, i want him to have some self esteem. in my current funk, i have become my parents. i am strict. i am hard on him. i expect too much of him (jesus, he's only three years old). i do a lot of yelling. i am physically forceful. i say "no" more times than not (so much so, that peanut understood the meaning of the word before she turned one). and i am not proud of this behavior, or the affect it is having on my son.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
what you missed the past couple months
Well, it’s my Third Annual Holiday letter, and the way the year has flown and all the opportunities (marketing-speak for challenges) we’ve faced this year, it didn’t look like we were going to accomplish No. 3. Hopefully you get this before 2008.January: A very special little boy had his second birthday. We celebrated Punkin’s birthday a little early with my folks, Punkin’s Godmother and her daughter joining our Elmo-themed birthday party. i made another carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and Punkin tried to blow out all two candles. i spent a couple days in Walnut Creek, CA for a Quality Audit; meanwhile, El Jefe was offered and accepted his promotion to Assistant Construction Engineer. That one statement pretty much commenced the perfect storm of 2007. i ended the month with travel to Scottsdale, AZ for the West Region Quality Summit.
February: El Jefe officially started in his new position a week after the offer. His job is based out of headquarters in Carson City, but he is also in charge of all the construction projects in Southern Nevada. We anticipated three trips a month to Las Vegas. None of my doctors could refer a Northern Nevada colleague, so she and Punkin opted to stay in Henderson until after Peanut was born. On Super Bowl weekend, we all flew to Reno to look for a place for El Jefe to hang his hat. We looked at a few apartments that would take dogs in anticipation for the whole family to move and toured day cares to get both Punkin and Peanut on waiting lists (anticipated start date: mid-July). Punkin graduated from his crib to a big-boy bed. Laura (or Lola as Punkin calls her) babysat as we went to our friend Don’s 40th birthday party at the Stratosphere. It was close enough to our ninth wedding anniversary that we opted against another celebration (it was one heckuva party!). Within a matter of days, we officially put our house in Henderson on the real estate market and i, El Jefe, and Punkin rode-tripped to San Diego, CA for year two of my participation in the Pathfinders Awards of Excellence Program within my employer (as a National Committee member, not a recipient). El Jefe and Punkin got to visit El Jefe’s cousin and Punkin’s Godfather who live in San Diego while i was doing my work thing. It was an action-packed weekend. We arrived home from San Diego, El Jefe picked up a U-Haul, loaded it, and drove 470 miles up to Reno on Sunday.
March: i became a part-time single mother while working full-time as El Jefe spent most of the week in Northern Nevada. i spent the prenatal insomnia hours keeping the house picked up for prospective buyers (we had a lot of traffic averaging atleast two showings a week) and cleaning carpets as both Abby and Jenny weren’t feeling so well. Punkin had many sad nights because he missed his Daddy; we all were grateful for the weekends to come so we could be together. El Jefe bought an ice-scraper out of necessity for the first time in 10 years. i had a birthday and was faced with the reality of being a mom to a two-year-old and an infant at age 42. At the end of the month, we all spent the weekend at El Jefe’s apartment in Reno to look at houses with our realtor, Linda for half-days on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Punkin got to see where El Jefe works; he got a balloon from the security guard and got to pet a puppy, so work was deemed a pretty great place.
February: El Jefe officially started in his new position a week after the offer. His job is based out of headquarters in Carson City, but he is also in charge of all the construction projects in Southern Nevada. We anticipated three trips a month to Las Vegas. None of my doctors could refer a Northern Nevada colleague, so she and Punkin opted to stay in Henderson until after Peanut was born. On Super Bowl weekend, we all flew to Reno to look for a place for El Jefe to hang his hat. We looked at a few apartments that would take dogs in anticipation for the whole family to move and toured day cares to get both Punkin and Peanut on waiting lists (anticipated start date: mid-July). Punkin graduated from his crib to a big-boy bed. Laura (or Lola as Punkin calls her) babysat as we went to our friend Don’s 40th birthday party at the Stratosphere. It was close enough to our ninth wedding anniversary that we opted against another celebration (it was one heckuva party!). Within a matter of days, we officially put our house in Henderson on the real estate market and i, El Jefe, and Punkin rode-tripped to San Diego, CA for year two of my participation in the Pathfinders Awards of Excellence Program within my employer (as a National Committee member, not a recipient). El Jefe and Punkin got to visit El Jefe’s cousin and Punkin’s Godfather who live in San Diego while i was doing my work thing. It was an action-packed weekend. We arrived home from San Diego, El Jefe picked up a U-Haul, loaded it, and drove 470 miles up to Reno on Sunday.
March: i became a part-time single mother while working full-time as El Jefe spent most of the week in Northern Nevada. i spent the prenatal insomnia hours keeping the house picked up for prospective buyers (we had a lot of traffic averaging atleast two showings a week) and cleaning carpets as both Abby and Jenny weren’t feeling so well. Punkin had many sad nights because he missed his Daddy; we all were grateful for the weekends to come so we could be together. El Jefe bought an ice-scraper out of necessity for the first time in 10 years. i had a birthday and was faced with the reality of being a mom to a two-year-old and an infant at age 42. At the end of the month, we all spent the weekend at El Jefe’s apartment in Reno to look at houses with our realtor, Linda for half-days on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Punkin got to see where El Jefe works; he got a balloon from the security guard and got to pet a puppy, so work was deemed a pretty great place.
April: In addition to weekends, El Jefe spent a couple days at home in Henderson for the Nevada Streets and Highways conference. It was memorable as the time a prospective buyer almost fell down the stairs and another group got to witness Swedish meat paste (supposed to be meatballs, but the turkey was ground a little too fine). We colored Easter eggs this year with a kit that had aged nine years (from the first Easter the step was supposed to spend with us). Punkin and i spent another weekend in Reno with El Jefe looking at houses. El Jefe had a birthday, too.
May: We started the month with our annual participation in Race for the Cure. This was Punkin’s third year, and he most enjoyed the popsicle he got during the 5K walk. El Jefe was based out of Las Vegas this month, making only day trips to Carson City in anticipation of Peanut’s arrival. Although the Jet Ski’s were for sale, that didn’t stop us from making a couple last trips to Lake Mead (with me as big as a house). Despite the doctor appointments twice a week, Peanut was not showing any signs of entering into the world early, or on time for that matter. i was admitted for induction on May 29th. 21 hours later, on May 30th at 6:07 pm i became Franken-mommy and Peanut officially joined our family.
June: The step finished her junior year at Arch-Bishop Spalding High School in Maryland and celebrated her 17th birthday. Unfortunately, we did not get to see her at all this summer due to the chaos of our relocation. My folks joined us for Punkin’s Big Brother party and Peanut went to her first company picnic. We sold our Jet Ski’s because of environmental restrictions at the larger lakes in Northern Nevada (truly, the end of an era). Our friends from work and play threw us a Baby Shower/belated Volleyball Championship Season/Going Away party. The middle and her family from Los Angeles visited to meet their newest niece.
July: We said goodbye to Abby, our 15-year-old Doberman mix. El Jefe’s mom visited for three weeks to help us move. She packed and unpacked boxes, and helped us clean, and provided a loving third set of hands to hold Peanut while we all were otherwise occupied. El Jefe flew up to Reno on a solo trip to hump the contents of his one bedroom apartment across the parking lot to our two bedroom apartment. Punkin ended his term at La Petite in Las Vegas and started at Kindercare in Reno (he was still fifth on the waiting list at Kids R Kids). In a Jeep Cherokee and a VW Jetta, we three adults, two kids and a dog endured the 8-hour trip to Reno (which took us 12 hours). Missing from the photo (and from the delivery) are the spice box and a wardrobe box from Punkin’s bedroom, including a calendar of milestones of great sentimental value. The former didn’t matter much as our kitchen was probably less the 50 sq ft; the latter just added extra hardship in composing this letter.
August: Peanut was off the growth charts (attack of the 50-ft woman) at her 2-month well-check with our new pediatrician, whose office is located in an old house. She experienced her first airplane ride when we returned to Las Vegas for a retirement party for El Jefe’s former assistant, and even rolled over while we were staying at my parents’ home in Henderson. Peanut started day care at Kids R Kids (two kids, two day cares, six miles apart), and i went back to work for HDR full-time. i officially transferred to the Reno office, but was temporarily located in a construction office (real office, not a trailer) because they had no space for me. El Jefe made seven trips to Las Vegas for work this month. Six months on the market, two price reductions, and good traffic and we still hadn’t even gotten an insulting offer on our house in Henderson. Despite that fact, we resumed our quest to find a house in Northern Nevada with our realtor, Linda.
September: We all went to the hot-air balloon races, one of several annual September events in Reno. Punkin entered his third school (day care) in three months as FINALLY a spot opened up at Kids R Kids. Nonna and Paw Paw (my parents) came for a long weekend visit; we all road the train in Virginia City, and Punkin went to his first movie at the Planetarium (“The Secret of the Cardboard Rocket”). El Jefe only made five trips to Las Vegas this month, and was offered his old position as a Resident Engineer in District 1 (Las Vegas). i refused to discuss it. We opted to dual-list our house in Henderson for sale and for rent, and were able to find a tenant to sign a one-year-lease that just about covers our expenses.
May: We started the month with our annual participation in Race for the Cure. This was Punkin’s third year, and he most enjoyed the popsicle he got during the 5K walk. El Jefe was based out of Las Vegas this month, making only day trips to Carson City in anticipation of Peanut’s arrival. Although the Jet Ski’s were for sale, that didn’t stop us from making a couple last trips to Lake Mead (with me as big as a house). Despite the doctor appointments twice a week, Peanut was not showing any signs of entering into the world early, or on time for that matter. i was admitted for induction on May 29th. 21 hours later, on May 30th at 6:07 pm i became Franken-mommy and Peanut officially joined our family.
June: The step finished her junior year at Arch-Bishop Spalding High School in Maryland and celebrated her 17th birthday. Unfortunately, we did not get to see her at all this summer due to the chaos of our relocation. My folks joined us for Punkin’s Big Brother party and Peanut went to her first company picnic. We sold our Jet Ski’s because of environmental restrictions at the larger lakes in Northern Nevada (truly, the end of an era). Our friends from work and play threw us a Baby Shower/belated Volleyball Championship Season/Going Away party. The middle and her family from Los Angeles visited to meet their newest niece.
July: We said goodbye to Abby, our 15-year-old Doberman mix. El Jefe’s mom visited for three weeks to help us move. She packed and unpacked boxes, and helped us clean, and provided a loving third set of hands to hold Peanut while we all were otherwise occupied. El Jefe flew up to Reno on a solo trip to hump the contents of his one bedroom apartment across the parking lot to our two bedroom apartment. Punkin ended his term at La Petite in Las Vegas and started at Kindercare in Reno (he was still fifth on the waiting list at Kids R Kids). In a Jeep Cherokee and a VW Jetta, we three adults, two kids and a dog endured the 8-hour trip to Reno (which took us 12 hours). Missing from the photo (and from the delivery) are the spice box and a wardrobe box from Punkin’s bedroom, including a calendar of milestones of great sentimental value. The former didn’t matter much as our kitchen was probably less the 50 sq ft; the latter just added extra hardship in composing this letter.
August: Peanut was off the growth charts (attack of the 50-ft woman) at her 2-month well-check with our new pediatrician, whose office is located in an old house. She experienced her first airplane ride when we returned to Las Vegas for a retirement party for El Jefe’s former assistant, and even rolled over while we were staying at my parents’ home in Henderson. Peanut started day care at Kids R Kids (two kids, two day cares, six miles apart), and i went back to work for HDR full-time. i officially transferred to the Reno office, but was temporarily located in a construction office (real office, not a trailer) because they had no space for me. El Jefe made seven trips to Las Vegas for work this month. Six months on the market, two price reductions, and good traffic and we still hadn’t even gotten an insulting offer on our house in Henderson. Despite that fact, we resumed our quest to find a house in Northern Nevada with our realtor, Linda.
September: We all went to the hot-air balloon races, one of several annual September events in Reno. Punkin entered his third school (day care) in three months as FINALLY a spot opened up at Kids R Kids. Nonna and Paw Paw (my parents) came for a long weekend visit; we all road the train in Virginia City, and Punkin went to his first movie at the Planetarium (“The Secret of the Cardboard Rocket”). El Jefe only made five trips to Las Vegas this month, and was offered his old position as a Resident Engineer in District 1 (Las Vegas). i refused to discuss it. We opted to dual-list our house in Henderson for sale and for rent, and were able to find a tenant to sign a one-year-lease that just about covers our expenses.
October: Once we got the Henderson home rented, we found out our tenants in our Hawaiian home opted not to renew their lease (bummer). Fortunately our property manager lined up new tenants in a matter of weeks (phew). i was supposed to attend a Pathfinders meeting in Omaha, but only made it as far as Denver when her flight got cancelled (thanks, United) and had to spend the night. i did a day trip to Las Vegas on Southwest the following week without incident. El Jefe made seven trips to Las Vegas this month for work. In the midst of it all, we joined all of my family at Zion National Park to celebrate my parents’ 50th Anniversary. Punkin caught his first fish (so big, he ran for the hills!) and had a blast trying to keep up with his older cousins from Los Angeles and Atlanta. We started a new tradition with all four of us participating in the Northern Nevada Race for the Cure 5K walk. And we continued to look at houses, many of which Punkin would characterize with one question: “What’s this house smell like?” or “Where’s the back yard?” We ended up buying a new home that we didn’t consider seriously until they dropped the price $60,000 and it ended up being $100,000 less than anything else we were looking at. Peanut was a bumble bee for Halloween, and Punkin was Mr. Incredible (or Mr. Credible, as he calls him.)
November: Peanut had her first experience with rice cereal (a bowl full of mush) and learned to sit up alone (which has become her favorite position). i finally moved from the construction office to the newly expanded main office, and started my transportation empire with two employees (female, i might add). Punkin started wearing underwear, which he proudly displayed to all his classmates (El Jefe said it’s a rite of passage). Despite a couple accidents, Punkin was officially potty-trained and even learned to pee like the big boys! El Jefe did two over-night and three day trips to Las Vegas for work. And over a period of several days, we gladly vacated the confining quarters of our two-bedroom apartment and moved into our new house. It started with a U-haul and the help of two of El Jefe’s co-workers, Jeff and Steve, and Steve’s 5-year-old stepson Michael who provided a constant source of entertainment for Punkin (the adults were entertained with a case of Fosters). We survived with a cooler as a refrigerator for three days, with Grandma from Wisconsin providing another set of helping hands for well over a week. Sadly, the spice box and Punkin’s calendar never made it. Nonna and Paw Paw came from Las Vegas, so we had a full table with all the trimmings for Thanksgiving dinner; even Peanut got to partake in the yams. El Jefe and I endured a five-hour marathon at Bed Bath and Beyond, which eventually resulted in all the window coverings for our new home and an impressive receipt that was roughly seven feet long. Peanut got her first tooth.
December: Punkin attended Samantha’s (an older woman’s) birthday party at Jump Man Jump (where even the adults can join in the fun … a wonderful alternative to Chuck-E-Cheese). The step got accepted to Georgia Tech’s aerospace engineering program and Penn State’s college of engineering. Punkin is showing the same logical, obsessive, somewhat linear tendencies of an engineer which horrifies me … there’s still hope that Peanut will be a pharmacist or rock star as long as we take away her favorite geometric rattle. We awoke one morning to four inches of snow (perfect for snow balls), which Punkin insisted on shoveling once he had his very own shovel. Peanut had her first and second baby-sitting experiences (with Punkin, of course) as Punkin’s teacher held down the fort while El Jefe and I attended Christmas parties for work. i relished the time that i could eat with both hands. El Jefe made three days trips and an over-night to Las Vegas and qualified for a companion pass on Southwest (that’s supposed to be a good thing, right?). And we’re headed to Wisconsin via Chicago-Midway (on Southwest, of course) for Christmas, where the rest of El Jefe’s family will get to meet Peanut for the first time.
With that, it’s time for a Foster’s. i send you all my wishes for a prosperous new year.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
giving up
it has been weeks since i last posted. i've been busy ... and i didn't know that i had access at work, but that's another story.
on Monday, el jefe' dropped a bombshell on me. there are two openings for his previous position down South. the position he was promoted from. the position he vacated in February.
he left the door open.
you can go back and follow the turmoil, trials, and tribulations of his promotion, and our subsequent move ... dealing with the uncertainty of a new baby, putting our house on the market, being a single parent for months, packing, the subsequent move, and my transfer. our house in the South is STILL on the market, and concurrently available for rent. i've been back to work full-time for a month, and Peanut has been in day care a month, and we just finally moved Punkin to the same daycare as Peanut. i'm in a temporary office, although it looks as though i'll move to a conference room in the "permanent" office.
it should be getting better, but it feels worse.
i feel like i don't know my husband, the man i've been married to nearly 10 years. that he was even remotely unsatisfied enough that he would consider a demotion. that he would even consider moving our family all over again. that all the stress and exhaustion i have endured apparently aren't enough.
he offsets my pessimism, my worries, my insecurities. in one fell swoop, these all came back. it feels as though he's giving up. and maybe i should, too.
on Monday, el jefe' dropped a bombshell on me. there are two openings for his previous position down South. the position he was promoted from. the position he vacated in February.
he left the door open.
you can go back and follow the turmoil, trials, and tribulations of his promotion, and our subsequent move ... dealing with the uncertainty of a new baby, putting our house on the market, being a single parent for months, packing, the subsequent move, and my transfer. our house in the South is STILL on the market, and concurrently available for rent. i've been back to work full-time for a month, and Peanut has been in day care a month, and we just finally moved Punkin to the same daycare as Peanut. i'm in a temporary office, although it looks as though i'll move to a conference room in the "permanent" office.
it should be getting better, but it feels worse.
i feel like i don't know my husband, the man i've been married to nearly 10 years. that he was even remotely unsatisfied enough that he would consider a demotion. that he would even consider moving our family all over again. that all the stress and exhaustion i have endured apparently aren't enough.
he offsets my pessimism, my worries, my insecurities. in one fell swoop, these all came back. it feels as though he's giving up. and maybe i should, too.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
a silver lining
so in an effort to try to find the bright spots in my miserable life, i thought i'd come up with a list:
- the apartment is so small and we have so much furniture that we only have to vaccuum selected paths
- we bang into the furniture so often that we all have bruises ... saves on those costly tattoos, and they are not quite as permanent
- the hot water in the apartment is so hot that we don't have to sterilize Peanut's bottles
- Jenny goes for a walk a couple times a day
- with two offices plus working from home, i'm never looking at the same four walls for very long
- i haven't gotten lost yet
- i'm building upper body strength by hauling around the pump and my important bag of shit
- premium gasoline is almost below $3.00 a gallon
- with the kids in two different daycares, we get to experience a variety of caregiving styles ... and the kids are building immunities from all sorts of different bugs
- i'll probably max out my FSA this year because i'm going to have to find a shrink
seriously, we both are gainfully employed, and although we are living pay check-to-pay check supporting two homes, we haven't gone broke yet. everyone is healthy. but i am down, and lonely, and can't find anything to look forward to.
Monday, August 20, 2007
how are you doing?
thanks for asking ...
Peanut is doing well, even in day care (Kids R Kids). she had a goopy eye, even before she started day care. i think she got it from one of the kids at Punkin's school. i have to drag her in when i drop Punkin off, and this little boy named Aidan can't keep his hands off of her. she got eye drops and is better now. her new pediatrician's office is in an old house. it's not as fancy or high-tech as the doctor we went to down South, but everyone is really nice and friendly.
after one month, Punkin didn't cry this morning when i dropped him off at day care. he goes to Kindercare because he is still on a waiting list at Kids R Kids. we just found out there is a spot for him at Kids R Kids September 10. so now he'll have to adjust all over again. it is a pain with the kids at two different schools (they are 7 miles apart), and we all don't know what to think of Kindercare. they are going through a lot of changes in staff so no one seems to act like they know what they're doing. he asks about his old school (La Petite) and on Sunday he woke up from his nap all confused and said he wanted to sleep in his old room (at our house down South). he's adjusting, and i don't think he'll turn out to be an axe murderer, but it's hard for me to see him go through this.
i'm working from 3 different places: the North office, the North Construction office, and home. my computer is in the North Construction office. i spent the morning in the North office, but my boss is going to be out the rest of the week and they don't have any space for me, so i probably won't go back this week. i have a big office in the Construction office, but all i've unpacked and set up is my computer. it's pretty quiet over there. like Punkin, i'm adjusting, too.
El Jefe’ travels South once or twice a week.
it's not as chaotic as when we were actually packing, moving, and unpacking, but i don't feel settled and i wouldn't call it a "normal" life. what's "normal", anyway?
Peanut is doing well, even in day care (Kids R Kids). she had a goopy eye, even before she started day care. i think she got it from one of the kids at Punkin's school. i have to drag her in when i drop Punkin off, and this little boy named Aidan can't keep his hands off of her. she got eye drops and is better now. her new pediatrician's office is in an old house. it's not as fancy or high-tech as the doctor we went to down South, but everyone is really nice and friendly.
after one month, Punkin didn't cry this morning when i dropped him off at day care. he goes to Kindercare because he is still on a waiting list at Kids R Kids. we just found out there is a spot for him at Kids R Kids September 10. so now he'll have to adjust all over again. it is a pain with the kids at two different schools (they are 7 miles apart), and we all don't know what to think of Kindercare. they are going through a lot of changes in staff so no one seems to act like they know what they're doing. he asks about his old school (La Petite) and on Sunday he woke up from his nap all confused and said he wanted to sleep in his old room (at our house down South). he's adjusting, and i don't think he'll turn out to be an axe murderer, but it's hard for me to see him go through this.
i'm working from 3 different places: the North office, the North Construction office, and home. my computer is in the North Construction office. i spent the morning in the North office, but my boss is going to be out the rest of the week and they don't have any space for me, so i probably won't go back this week. i have a big office in the Construction office, but all i've unpacked and set up is my computer. it's pretty quiet over there. like Punkin, i'm adjusting, too.
El Jefe’ travels South once or twice a week.
it's not as chaotic as when we were actually packing, moving, and unpacking, but i don't feel settled and i wouldn't call it a "normal" life. what's "normal", anyway?
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
back to school
Peanut started in day care yesterday. we call it school, mainly because of the times when el Jefe's daughter spent a month of the summer with us. it sounds weird saying you're late for "day care" when you're dealing with a 'tween. i nearly forgot her eye drops. i brought a Boppy, just to discover they provide them, so i ended up taking it home. (i bought a new one just to be able to breastfeed her comfortably at school. now i'm kicking myself because i didn't need to spend the extra $35.) i brought her mobile at lunch time, when i went to feed her and found she had pooped through her clothes. and when i picked her up, i was nearly home before i realized i had forgotten her bottles. the women are nice. one of her teachers is very quiet. i believe English is her second language. the college kids who help out are getting ready to go back to school. the other mothers are pretty friendly as well. it's ok. actually better than ok.
a week of infant care for Peanut costs $199. a week of care for Punkin, at age 2 1/2, costs $193. they are at different schools because Punkin is still on a waiting list, and has been since February, at the school that Peanut goes to.
we're getting ripped off for Punkin's care. and we don't feel good about it. and Punkin doesn't like his new school.
the director just quit.
enrollment is way down. it's eerie dropping off Punkin in the morning.
the highest turn-over rooms are infants and 2's. Punkin is in the 2's.
Punkin's teacher doesn't know where they keep the art supplies.
it seems like there is no structure, no curriculum. the kids pretty much just stand around and play by themselves whenever we drop off or pick up Punkin.
the only thing he looks forward to is Splash Day on Tuesdays.
he cries when i drop him off. it breaks my heart.
i guess it made Peanut's first day seem easier.
and her care seems like a bargain.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
same ol' Jenny
we had to board Jenny last weekend. Peanut made her first airplane ride as the whole family returned South for a retirement party for el Jefe’s former assistant. his former assistant is retiring, but going to work for a consultant, and he’ll end up on the same project he was on as a former assistant. incestuous. surreal. we’d only been North 2 weeks and now we were back. and now we’re back North again. i digress ...
Jenny is a border collie mix. she’s a small dog … not a miniature, and actually a medium dog by most people’s standards as she weighs 30 lbs. she’s mostly black, with some white on her chin, chest, belly and one toe (someone suggested we call her “Skid Mark”). Punkin went with el Jefe’ to pick her up from boarding Monday after school.
the first dog out was very black, and very large … a good 3 times the size of Jenny. Punkin’s eyes got real big as he tentatively asked, “Jenny?” el Jefe’ explained that no, that was not Jenny but someone else’s dog.
the next dog out was a standard-size poodle. all black. once again, Punkin’s eyes got even bigger as he asked, “What happened to Jenny?” el Jefe’ explained that the second dog was a poodle, and someone else’s dog.
finally Jenny came out … normal-sized. she was happy to be home, and Punkin was just as happy she was returned to us without transformation.
this morning, we saw a large black lab. Punkin asked if it was a poodle.
Jenny is a border collie mix. she’s a small dog … not a miniature, and actually a medium dog by most people’s standards as she weighs 30 lbs. she’s mostly black, with some white on her chin, chest, belly and one toe (someone suggested we call her “Skid Mark”). Punkin went with el Jefe’ to pick her up from boarding Monday after school.
the first dog out was very black, and very large … a good 3 times the size of Jenny. Punkin’s eyes got real big as he tentatively asked, “Jenny?” el Jefe’ explained that no, that was not Jenny but someone else’s dog.
the next dog out was a standard-size poodle. all black. once again, Punkin’s eyes got even bigger as he asked, “What happened to Jenny?” el Jefe’ explained that the second dog was a poodle, and someone else’s dog.
finally Jenny came out … normal-sized. she was happy to be home, and Punkin was just as happy she was returned to us without transformation.
this morning, we saw a large black lab. Punkin asked if it was a poodle.
Friday, August 03, 2007
the travelogue
July 21
12:30 am
I fed Peanut for 35 minutes on the couch in the family room of my parents’ house. el Jefe’ keeps me company during feedings although he mostly sleeps and snores. It’s the thought that counts.
We were stationed at my parents’ house for the past two nights as all our belongings had been loaded on an 80-foot semi two days prior. Jenny was in a kennel in their garage. Grandma had the guest bedroom. El Jefe’ and I had the master, with room for Punkin on a futon mattress on the floor and Peanut in a Pack n’ Play. Eventually we stumbled to bed.
I awoke at 5:30 am, in time to pack a little, strip the bed, and get a shower.
6:00 am
I fed Peanut for 30 minutes on the couch in the family room. After his shower, el Jefe’ headed to the house for the last few items on the honey-do list … mopping, wipe counter tops, Windex the French doors (easier without dog noses), and sweep the garage. I got Punkin going on his breakfast; Grandma helped with Jenny, and we started doing laundry ... two and a half beds of sheets, towels, and a few items of clothing (we did not want to leave any laundry for my mom to return to after their 3 1/2-week vacation in Hawaii … how convenient). I continued to pack and organize, as we had items scattered throughout the 2,800 sq ft house. El Jefe’ left a message on my cell with an update of his progress … apparently I didn’t have service, which I realized after 5 attempted calls and much frustration. (just what I needed, a little more stress.) I was tasked with supplying roach traps. So around 8:00 am, Punkin and I went to Albertson’s to purchase roach traps, Swiffer refills (that we snagged from my mom; el Jefe’ fell in love with them), Peanut diapers, and the coveted dry ice to transport 48 precious ounces of frozen breastmilk across the state. I was completely ignorant in the purchase of dry ice, but after traipsing across the store with Punkin in his race car grocery cart, we eventually ended up with something like 6 pounds for over $8 (which is a bargain if you know anything about the pain and suffering administered by a breast pump). Punkin and I dropped off the roach traps, and I passed through our home of nearly 10 years one last time, and headed back up to my parents’ house to feed Peanut once again. Our goal was to get on the road before noon.
9:30 am
I fed Peanut for 30 minutes on the couch in my parents’ house. More organizing. More laundry. More packing. El Jefe’ returned from our house, and now we had to figure out how to get three adults, two kids, one dog, one dog kennel, house plants, luggage, coolers, and leftover cleaning supplies into a 2001 Jeep Cherokee and a 2004 Jetta. Grandma and I were stationed inside with Peanut; el Jefe’ and Punkin were in charge of packing the vehicles. Packing, stuffing, cramming … you choose the verb. We approached and surpassed the noon deadline, but we were on a mission and there was no turning back. We fueled up at the nearest gas station; Grandma, el Jefe’ and Jenny in the Jeep, and Punkin and Peanut with me in the Jetta. Peanut started hollering at the gas station and kept it up all the way to the Paiute reservation. Fortunately Punkin opted for a nap (so I could turn off Kids Stuff on Sirius and tune into Classic Vinyl). All was quiet up to Indian Springs, so we decided to keep going. Peanut started up again right after we passed the northern limit of Indian Springs.
2:00 pm
I fed Peanut for 30 minutes in the driver’s seat of the Jetta, parked with the windows down at the rest area in Amargosa. A lot of dirt, a couple trees, and two tolerable restroom buildings. Jenny hung out under a tree. Grandma, Punkin, and el Jefe’ snacked on hard boiled eggs and carrots. We all drank bottles of water. And we eventually hit the road again.
We topped off the tanks in Beatty, bought some cheese and cracker and peanut butter cracker snacks, and half a dozen waters. Grandma wanted to drive before it got dark, so she was at the helm of the Jeep with me in the passenger seat. El Jefe’ drove the Jetta with the kids. I think I got about a 10 minute nap. The kids were quiet for el Jefe’ (Peanut slept and Punkin got to listen to Kids Stuff).
5:30 pm
I fed Peanut for 25 minutes at the McDonalds in Tonopah. We were crammed into a corner booth, with her car seat as a privacy shield. I inhaled a filet o’fish, fries, and half of Punkin’s chicken nuggets. I am normally the worlds’ slowest eater, so el Jefe’ could not fail to comment on my ravenous behavior. I opted for Diet Coke at this point, knowing we were only half-way there. While there was still daylight, Grandma offered to drive the Jeep to give el Jefe’ a break; I returned to pilot the Jetta with the kids as we continued our journey. Punkin played with his gyroscope thing from his Happy Meal. The flying wheels were “airplanes” which I had to retrieve from the back seat floor consistently until they fell out of my limited reach. He called the launching stick his “Super Duper” and yielded it like a sword. Fortunately it fell out of reach after a few minutes. Not long after we left McDonalds, Punkin announced he wanted good supper. I plied him with a peanut butter chocolate chip chewy granola bar (he actually wanted the berry flavor, which I couldn’t find blindly). After a couple bites he decided he didn’t like it and gave me some chewed up remains (after he smeared some of the chocolate chips all over his mouth). I opted to offer him the peanut butter crackers from our stop in Beatty. These ended up being half-chewed and spit out. I threatened to turn off Kids Stuff if he wouldn’t stop spitting. It worked, but alas it was too late as we discovered at our next stop. Punkin tried to remove his shirt while buckled in his car seat. As this is nearly impossible, he cried for quite awhile in frustration. Peanut started hollering, too.
8:30 pm
I fed Peanut for 35 minutes in the driver’s seat of the Jetta, parked with the windows down at a convenience store in Hawthorne. Punkin was covered in orange goo (from spitting the peanut butter crackers), and his car seat was filled with crumbs. At this point I set down the law of no food in mommy’s car. El Jefe’ purchased some Chex Mix, which I forbade from entering my vehicle. Punkin took off his shirt. Punkin and Grandma took Jenny for a walk, when Grandma realized she had lost an earring. Grandma reported that after their walk, Punkin had enquired why Jenny sniffed the ground. After hearing the explanation from Grandma, he dropped to all fours on a public sidewalk, planted his face to the ground, and said, “I’m a doggie. I’m sniffing for poop.” I put on Punkin’s shirt by the light of a street light. We left it on backwards for the remainder of the journey (as Klampetts, you can get two days out of a shirt that way).
We passed Walker Lake in the dark.
The kids started hollering just outside Fernley. We fueled up at a convenience store. Punkin asked for milk, and got some, which he was very proud of but wouldn’t drink. He told me there were lollipops in the store, but he had had enough sugar for the day. El Jefe’ and I got 20 oz coffees (and I got two candy bars, hoping for an extra boost from the chocolate). We negotiated the bizarre traffic circle (designed by a former employer) outside Fernley, and continued to caravan to the apartment in Reno.
July 22
12:30 am
I fed Peanut for 25 minutes in a chair in the apartment. Punkin slept on the couch until the futon was set up in his room. He didn’t get to hear the frogs croaking as el Jefe’ carried him into the apartment. It faces a small lake with frogs and geese and ducks and herons and cormorants and even pelicans as we later discovered. Jenny slept in her kennel in the middle of the family room. El Jefe’ took Grandma to her hotel room at Extended Stay America (for two nights; once our furniture arrived she slept on the futon in Punkin’s room). El Jefe’ and I slept in our guest bed, which is our bed for the duration of our stay in the apartment. Peanut joined us in the Pack n’ Play.
Our 8-hour drive took 12.
We arrived safely, but completely exhausted.
There’s no place like home.
12:30 am
I fed Peanut for 35 minutes on the couch in the family room of my parents’ house. el Jefe’ keeps me company during feedings although he mostly sleeps and snores. It’s the thought that counts.
We were stationed at my parents’ house for the past two nights as all our belongings had been loaded on an 80-foot semi two days prior. Jenny was in a kennel in their garage. Grandma had the guest bedroom. El Jefe’ and I had the master, with room for Punkin on a futon mattress on the floor and Peanut in a Pack n’ Play. Eventually we stumbled to bed.
I awoke at 5:30 am, in time to pack a little, strip the bed, and get a shower.
6:00 am
I fed Peanut for 30 minutes on the couch in the family room. After his shower, el Jefe’ headed to the house for the last few items on the honey-do list … mopping, wipe counter tops, Windex the French doors (easier without dog noses), and sweep the garage. I got Punkin going on his breakfast; Grandma helped with Jenny, and we started doing laundry ... two and a half beds of sheets, towels, and a few items of clothing (we did not want to leave any laundry for my mom to return to after their 3 1/2-week vacation in Hawaii … how convenient). I continued to pack and organize, as we had items scattered throughout the 2,800 sq ft house. El Jefe’ left a message on my cell with an update of his progress … apparently I didn’t have service, which I realized after 5 attempted calls and much frustration. (just what I needed, a little more stress.) I was tasked with supplying roach traps. So around 8:00 am, Punkin and I went to Albertson’s to purchase roach traps, Swiffer refills (that we snagged from my mom; el Jefe’ fell in love with them), Peanut diapers, and the coveted dry ice to transport 48 precious ounces of frozen breastmilk across the state. I was completely ignorant in the purchase of dry ice, but after traipsing across the store with Punkin in his race car grocery cart, we eventually ended up with something like 6 pounds for over $8 (which is a bargain if you know anything about the pain and suffering administered by a breast pump). Punkin and I dropped off the roach traps, and I passed through our home of nearly 10 years one last time, and headed back up to my parents’ house to feed Peanut once again. Our goal was to get on the road before noon.
9:30 am
I fed Peanut for 30 minutes on the couch in my parents’ house. More organizing. More laundry. More packing. El Jefe’ returned from our house, and now we had to figure out how to get three adults, two kids, one dog, one dog kennel, house plants, luggage, coolers, and leftover cleaning supplies into a 2001 Jeep Cherokee and a 2004 Jetta. Grandma and I were stationed inside with Peanut; el Jefe’ and Punkin were in charge of packing the vehicles. Packing, stuffing, cramming … you choose the verb. We approached and surpassed the noon deadline, but we were on a mission and there was no turning back. We fueled up at the nearest gas station; Grandma, el Jefe’ and Jenny in the Jeep, and Punkin and Peanut with me in the Jetta. Peanut started hollering at the gas station and kept it up all the way to the Paiute reservation. Fortunately Punkin opted for a nap (so I could turn off Kids Stuff on Sirius and tune into Classic Vinyl). All was quiet up to Indian Springs, so we decided to keep going. Peanut started up again right after we passed the northern limit of Indian Springs.
2:00 pm
I fed Peanut for 30 minutes in the driver’s seat of the Jetta, parked with the windows down at the rest area in Amargosa. A lot of dirt, a couple trees, and two tolerable restroom buildings. Jenny hung out under a tree. Grandma, Punkin, and el Jefe’ snacked on hard boiled eggs and carrots. We all drank bottles of water. And we eventually hit the road again.
We topped off the tanks in Beatty, bought some cheese and cracker and peanut butter cracker snacks, and half a dozen waters. Grandma wanted to drive before it got dark, so she was at the helm of the Jeep with me in the passenger seat. El Jefe’ drove the Jetta with the kids. I think I got about a 10 minute nap. The kids were quiet for el Jefe’ (Peanut slept and Punkin got to listen to Kids Stuff).
5:30 pm
I fed Peanut for 25 minutes at the McDonalds in Tonopah. We were crammed into a corner booth, with her car seat as a privacy shield. I inhaled a filet o’fish, fries, and half of Punkin’s chicken nuggets. I am normally the worlds’ slowest eater, so el Jefe’ could not fail to comment on my ravenous behavior. I opted for Diet Coke at this point, knowing we were only half-way there. While there was still daylight, Grandma offered to drive the Jeep to give el Jefe’ a break; I returned to pilot the Jetta with the kids as we continued our journey. Punkin played with his gyroscope thing from his Happy Meal. The flying wheels were “airplanes” which I had to retrieve from the back seat floor consistently until they fell out of my limited reach. He called the launching stick his “Super Duper” and yielded it like a sword. Fortunately it fell out of reach after a few minutes. Not long after we left McDonalds, Punkin announced he wanted good supper. I plied him with a peanut butter chocolate chip chewy granola bar (he actually wanted the berry flavor, which I couldn’t find blindly). After a couple bites he decided he didn’t like it and gave me some chewed up remains (after he smeared some of the chocolate chips all over his mouth). I opted to offer him the peanut butter crackers from our stop in Beatty. These ended up being half-chewed and spit out. I threatened to turn off Kids Stuff if he wouldn’t stop spitting. It worked, but alas it was too late as we discovered at our next stop. Punkin tried to remove his shirt while buckled in his car seat. As this is nearly impossible, he cried for quite awhile in frustration. Peanut started hollering, too.
8:30 pm
I fed Peanut for 35 minutes in the driver’s seat of the Jetta, parked with the windows down at a convenience store in Hawthorne. Punkin was covered in orange goo (from spitting the peanut butter crackers), and his car seat was filled with crumbs. At this point I set down the law of no food in mommy’s car. El Jefe’ purchased some Chex Mix, which I forbade from entering my vehicle. Punkin took off his shirt. Punkin and Grandma took Jenny for a walk, when Grandma realized she had lost an earring. Grandma reported that after their walk, Punkin had enquired why Jenny sniffed the ground. After hearing the explanation from Grandma, he dropped to all fours on a public sidewalk, planted his face to the ground, and said, “I’m a doggie. I’m sniffing for poop.” I put on Punkin’s shirt by the light of a street light. We left it on backwards for the remainder of the journey (as Klampetts, you can get two days out of a shirt that way).
We passed Walker Lake in the dark.
The kids started hollering just outside Fernley. We fueled up at a convenience store. Punkin asked for milk, and got some, which he was very proud of but wouldn’t drink. He told me there were lollipops in the store, but he had had enough sugar for the day. El Jefe’ and I got 20 oz coffees (and I got two candy bars, hoping for an extra boost from the chocolate). We negotiated the bizarre traffic circle (designed by a former employer) outside Fernley, and continued to caravan to the apartment in Reno.
July 22
12:30 am
I fed Peanut for 25 minutes in a chair in the apartment. Punkin slept on the couch until the futon was set up in his room. He didn’t get to hear the frogs croaking as el Jefe’ carried him into the apartment. It faces a small lake with frogs and geese and ducks and herons and cormorants and even pelicans as we later discovered. Jenny slept in her kennel in the middle of the family room. El Jefe’ took Grandma to her hotel room at Extended Stay America (for two nights; once our furniture arrived she slept on the futon in Punkin’s room). El Jefe’ and I slept in our guest bed, which is our bed for the duration of our stay in the apartment. Peanut joined us in the Pack n’ Play.
Our 8-hour drive took 12.
We arrived safely, but completely exhausted.
There’s no place like home.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
we're here
we are unofficially Northerners.
the packers packed on Wednesday, the 18th. the movers loaded the 80-ft semi (we only took up a third of it) on Thursday, the 19th. we cleaned and painted and all that goes with leaving a house until Saturday morning. we finally hit the road shortly after noon. the 8-hour drive took over 12 hours, with at least 3 stops to nurse Peanut. we arrived after midnight on Saturday, so it was really Sunday, the 22nd.
the moving truck arrived in the afternoon of Monday, the 23rd.
we're somewhat settled. Punkin has had a full week at his temporary school/daycare. el Jefe' has returned to work full-time and even made two day trips to the South. i finally connected the computer and got internet access yesterday.
according to el Jefe', it's all downhill from here (not getting worse, just getting easier.) i can easliy say i have been through the most exhausting experience of my life. i'm not sure my words convey my lack of enthusiasm and depression at the commencement of this new chapter in my life.
the packers packed on Wednesday, the 18th. the movers loaded the 80-ft semi (we only took up a third of it) on Thursday, the 19th. we cleaned and painted and all that goes with leaving a house until Saturday morning. we finally hit the road shortly after noon. the 8-hour drive took over 12 hours, with at least 3 stops to nurse Peanut. we arrived after midnight on Saturday, so it was really Sunday, the 22nd.
the moving truck arrived in the afternoon of Monday, the 23rd.
we're somewhat settled. Punkin has had a full week at his temporary school/daycare. el Jefe' has returned to work full-time and even made two day trips to the South. i finally connected the computer and got internet access yesterday.
according to el Jefe', it's all downhill from here (not getting worse, just getting easier.) i can easliy say i have been through the most exhausting experience of my life. i'm not sure my words convey my lack of enthusiasm and depression at the commencement of this new chapter in my life.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
moving
the packers came and went today. no, not the NFL team, which comes to mind especially when your husband and mother-in-law were born and raised in Wisconsin. the guys who show up with a straight truck of cardboard, paper, and tape. 44 boxes in less than four hours. that doesn't include the two-car-garage-stall nearly filled with those packed by el Jefe' (PBO: packed by owner) and my few paltry contributions. they pack everything that isn't tied down. we made el Jefe' retrieve my flip flops and my mother-in-law's birks from a box, or we wouldn't have any shoes.
they load tomorrow.
a realtor came today, after the packers. what a site. i'm sure the house showed fabulously.
there is still cleaning to do. my mother-in-law did a majority of the kitchen cabinets, and Punkin's bathroom. we scheduled the carpets to be cleaned Friday.
Punkin did not freak coming home to a house of boxes. Peanut even had a meal while the packers were here. i, on the other hand, am down.
this is it. hope to post next week. wish us luck ...
they load tomorrow.
a realtor came today, after the packers. what a site. i'm sure the house showed fabulously.
there is still cleaning to do. my mother-in-law did a majority of the kitchen cabinets, and Punkin's bathroom. we scheduled the carpets to be cleaned Friday.
Punkin did not freak coming home to a house of boxes. Peanut even had a meal while the packers were here. i, on the other hand, am down.
this is it. hope to post next week. wish us luck ...
Sunday, July 15, 2007
running out of time
el Jefe's mom arrived Wednesday afternoon. she'll be with us for three weeks, helping us pack, move, and unpack. she's staying at my parents' house at night while we're still down South because we don't have a bed for her, and my parents conveniently planned a 3-week trip to Hawaii, knowing full well they were having a grandchild and we were moving up North. maybe it was part of their denial and there was less guilt knowing they wouldn't lift a finger to assist in our move.
she gave Peanut her first bottle of pumped breastmilk on Thursday. i stuck around and pumped. it went well. she is very good with infants, assuming the experience with our kids is universal. the extra set of hands gave me the opportunity on Friday to do some "honey-do's" like fixing a window screen and sorting through nearly $500 in change. i left her in charge Friday with a bottle, hoping i could pack up my office at work. i had nearly five hours to sort an pack 9 years with my employer, and 20 years of my career. i ended up bring home a box of three plants, and spending the remainder of time on billable projects. i was all ready overwhelmed by all the aspects of the move. i was all ready frustrated by work interfering with this stage in my life. i realized i didn't get to say good-bye to anyone at the office. i was depressed by my lack of progress in the office, and the fact i would have to return this weekend when no one was around.
i said good-bye to my best friend Lola, Punkin's godmother, last night. we had a full day of packing (toys!), two trips to the GoodWill, and i finally got to swim with Punkin for about a half-hour. she came over for pizza and beer, a little tradition with us. she talked about making new friends but i just can't even hope for that right now.
it will happen. it will be over soon. but i am down. and this is hard.
she gave Peanut her first bottle of pumped breastmilk on Thursday. i stuck around and pumped. it went well. she is very good with infants, assuming the experience with our kids is universal. the extra set of hands gave me the opportunity on Friday to do some "honey-do's" like fixing a window screen and sorting through nearly $500 in change. i left her in charge Friday with a bottle, hoping i could pack up my office at work. i had nearly five hours to sort an pack 9 years with my employer, and 20 years of my career. i ended up bring home a box of three plants, and spending the remainder of time on billable projects. i was all ready overwhelmed by all the aspects of the move. i was all ready frustrated by work interfering with this stage in my life. i realized i didn't get to say good-bye to anyone at the office. i was depressed by my lack of progress in the office, and the fact i would have to return this weekend when no one was around.
i said good-bye to my best friend Lola, Punkin's godmother, last night. we had a full day of packing (toys!), two trips to the GoodWill, and i finally got to swim with Punkin for about a half-hour. she came over for pizza and beer, a little tradition with us. she talked about making new friends but i just can't even hope for that right now.
it will happen. it will be over soon. but i am down. and this is hard.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
about a week to go
the proverbial ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. and i'm trying to cram it all in between breastfeeding a six-week-old Peanut. i get depressed at the drop of a hat. the movers come in about a week (pack Wednesday, load Thursday), but we can't get the "spread" dates (the date our stuff will actually arrive up North). we haven't made reservations for Grandma (el Jefe's mom) for a place to stay up North; either way she's not going to fit in the apartment until our stuff arrives. Grandma is staying at my parents now while they're in Hawaii for a month (convenient trip, don't you think?) ... they also have a dog sitter staying there. how weird. and we may have to camp there (on couches) once our stuff gets loaded. Peanut and Punkin both have 5 kids ahead of them on the day care waiting lists up North, waiting lists that we got on at the beginning of February ... we have an alternate established for Punkin, and that means moving him to a different school twice, but what else can we do? i'm out of FMLA leave towards the end of August, with no office to move to, but being a full time mom was not part of the plan.
i'm making lists, and actually checking things off, and of course adding to them. cleaning, packing, taxes (Hawaii GE, lucky us), donating, and trying to cram in work and more packing. oh, and the interruption every other day that someone wants to see the house. we dropped the price and are offering $5K to the buyer at closing. i'm freaked out that someone is going to show up when i'm feeding the Peanut. i already had a potential when i was changing a diaper ... i honestly think i had poop running down my arm as i answered the door with a naked baby. el Jefe' says i'm too nice. let's face it: i am nearly desperate to sell this house as i do not want to live in an apartment forever. for very long. if this move was to Hawaii, we would have a place to move to. next time ...
i've known this month would be chaotic for awhile. i am getting through it. i just have to keep telling myself that i have something to look forward to.
i'm making lists, and actually checking things off, and of course adding to them. cleaning, packing, taxes (Hawaii GE, lucky us), donating, and trying to cram in work and more packing. oh, and the interruption every other day that someone wants to see the house. we dropped the price and are offering $5K to the buyer at closing. i'm freaked out that someone is going to show up when i'm feeding the Peanut. i already had a potential when i was changing a diaper ... i honestly think i had poop running down my arm as i answered the door with a naked baby. el Jefe' says i'm too nice. let's face it: i am nearly desperate to sell this house as i do not want to live in an apartment forever. for very long. if this move was to Hawaii, we would have a place to move to. next time ...
i've known this month would be chaotic for awhile. i am getting through it. i just have to keep telling myself that i have something to look forward to.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
are these wasted days?
so i've gotta do the calendar, the baby book, the announcements (which are almost done), and the trickling stream of Thank You notes. i don't send announcements hoping people will send gifts. just the opposite, because each gift begets another Thank You note. i also need to sort through baby clothes (bittersweet) and maternity clothes (many of which i am still wearing) for Goodwill. and clean. and pack. and say good-bye.
and then there are the days i check e-mails at work, and that's all i seem to get accomplished. i'm on leave. short-tern disability. and i shouldn't worry about work, and projects, and clients, and marketing, and packing my office to go into storage or no-man's-land, because they don't have a place for me. talk about displaced. but i feel torn. and gulit-ridden. and responsible. and out of control.
Peanut is growing like a weed. she's three inches taller and over two pounds bigger. those first weeks are gone, and she's over a month old. should i stop and smell the roses, or continue to obsess about the chaos the month of July brings?
and then there are the days i check e-mails at work, and that's all i seem to get accomplished. i'm on leave. short-tern disability. and i shouldn't worry about work, and projects, and clients, and marketing, and packing my office to go into storage or no-man's-land, because they don't have a place for me. talk about displaced. but i feel torn. and gulit-ridden. and responsible. and out of control.
Peanut is growing like a weed. she's three inches taller and over two pounds bigger. those first weeks are gone, and she's over a month old. should i stop and smell the roses, or continue to obsess about the chaos the month of July brings?
Sunday, July 01, 2007
thank you, Peanut.
so i mentioned we're trying to apply the concepts in "Baby Wise" (the whole wake, eat, play, sleep thing). she's basically on a schedule, that we're not supposed to call a schedule. i believe the term is "parent-directed feeding" or PDF (nothing to do with Adobe), instead of on-demand feeding. it does induce predictability and prevents snacks.
Peanut is one month old, and moreso due to frustration and exhaustion than due to the milestone, we stopped setting the alarm for the 3 am (or so) feeding. for the last two nights i fed her around midnight, and we're all nestled in our beds by 1 am. she makes it until about 5 am. that's four hours of continuous sleep, as opposed to two. el Jefe' thinks we should get her tested (that's an inside joke, directed at our parents).
i had a hard time falling asleep last night. the longer sleep feels worse than the bits and pieces sleep. but i'm not complaining. it has been an amazing month.
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