here come the tears

so the uncontrollable crying started yesterday. it started due to a bad day, a bad mood. i took diapers and pull-ups into Punkin's classroom. the cabinet door was screwed shut so there was no place to put them. there were 18 or 19 kids in toddlers and twos (two teachers, so they were barely met the prescribed ratio). and the director was sending in the kitchen lady as reinforcement. hurray.

i had a gyn-ob appointment. i was a little late, so the waiting room was full. full of expectant moms, and their significant others. one other was sleeping on the couch. i was the oldest woman in the wating room who wasn't on hormone therapy. i was one of two women in the waiting room without a spouse. i was the only pregnant woman in the waiting room wearing clothes suitable for a job outside the home (who wasn't wearing shorts and flip flops). it did nothing for my self esteem.

my stats were 167 pounds with a blood pressure of 118/69. so i've gained a total of 20 pounds at 33 weeks. i went into the restroom to pee in a cup and the thought crossed my head that i'm doing nearly everything right, and i started to cry. the numbers are right, but i don't feel like i'm doing a good job. and then someone tried to open the door to interrupt my pee in a cup session twice. as i exited, i thought, "you aren't any more pregnant than me. you can wait." no sympathy from me, especially when i have to go back to work to get ready for a public meeting this evening and you can go home and watch Oprah. (not that i want to watch Oprah; it's just an example.)

i read about the ring for birth control on a poster in the exam room. and i started to cry again. i forgot my paperwork for FMLA and STD (short term disability, not sexually transmitted disease). Peanut's heart rate is good. although i measure a little small, the Peanut is good-sized at 4 lbs 4 oz last week. my gyn-ob cancelled my appointment for next week, but said i'm going to have a baby in the next 3 to 6 weeks. we don't have a name, and it doesn't seem real.

time is running out interms of getting everything done before the Peanut arrives. i am struggling to meet my work committments. i was nearly late to the public meeting (they started early) but i had the easels and displays. so fire me.

Punkin's godmother is going to watch him next week while we go to a childbirth refresher course. the uncontrollable crying is right on schedule; i cried through nearly all of the childbirth class when i was pregnant with Punkin. i suggested to el Jefe' we all get together this weekend so that goes a little smoother. Punkin says nearly daily that he doesn't want to go to Romper Room (where he spends an hour while i swim when el Jefe' is up North). i feel bad that he says that. el Jefe' says Punkin probably won't have to go anymore with his work/travel schedule. but i just feel bad that i can't keep up, that i'm not ready, and that my one hour of swimming a day or two a week has left such a negative impression on my son.

and we can't reschedule a new baby.