wallowing in self pity

i'm up at 4:30 am most mornings, but i can't get my kid to school until after 8:00 am. i can't get dinner on the table until 7:30 pm (we shoot for 8:00 pm bedtime for Punkin, but it's more like 8:30 pm with me). what's wrong with this picture?

no one has given me a hard time. it is self-induced. i have co-workers that understand, that recognize i am a part-time single parent who's 8-months pregnant. el Jefe' acknowledges i'm doing the best i can. but i'm back to feeling like a shitty mom and a shitty engineer.

i have deadlines at work that i am barely meeting. i have a public meeting tonight and we are still preparing our exhibits. i think i have a traffic control submittal due on Friday and i haven't seen the drawings for the past two weeks. i have a cost proposal due on Friday for a project that is supposed to be complete August 31 (not a lot of lead time). i have final specs due April 30th that i effectively haven't touched in a month. and i have to finalize the stupid arterial job to bid documents before i go on leave. oh, and i'm being pressed to find a replacement for my parking lot job because it is supposed to finalize at the end of August as well. fire me. it's not like i'm getting a lot of satisfaction and reward from my job and career lately.

some friends from volleyball want to throw us a baby shower/winning season/congrats on your promotion/moving party. i feel bad about the baby shower. we make more money than all of these friends, and they threw us a wonderful shower for Punkin. we are frugal and have saved nearly everything. the only things we need for the Peanut are a new infant car seat, a new diaper bag, and a name. both el Jefe' and i want to focus on the championship volleyball season last fall. i'd like to celebrate el Jefe's promotion, and moving, well, it could be a lot worse. timing is an issue. el Jefe' drives back a the end of April. first week of May is a work conference, Race for the Cure, some corporate challenge stuff and Cinco de Mayo. second weekend in May is Mother's Day. and with a due date of June 2 (May 33rd) i'll be in my last month, when anything can happen. so with all of that, i feel like a shitty friend, too.

i squirted tuna juice all over my front making dinner last night. i bashed into a pseudo tupperware cake cover that Punkin uses as a step stool and bruised the top of my foot (and kicked said cake cover across the room). i just about pee'd my pants i was so frustrated and angry. so i went into the bathroom and cried. Punkin watched, and followed, and stood there helpless. Punkin didn't get any fruit last night, and we didn't read any books.

and there are so many worse things in the world.