out of time

for a brief while, i would joke that my due date was May 33rd instead of June 2. June seemed so far away. and i kept thinking i would get so much done in the month of May. Yes, Punkin was born in the midst of my 37th week, and second babies can come sooner, but they can come later as well. it's starting to sink in; and it's starting to scare me.

i fell apart Friday afternoon. i just hit the wall and couldn't push myself forward anymore. i spent the last hour of work downloading house listings from the North, thinking it was something el Jefe' and i could discuss this weekend. (fat chance). i left to pick up Punkin, and we went to the airport to pick up el Jefe'.

i had good intentions about going to volleyball. i packed some clothes for el Jefe', and brought a cooler with a couple of fake beers, and Punkin's stroller. but the exhaustion kicked in full force, and i could not fight the overwhelming urge to lay down. i started to cry. i felt i had let down our friends. Punkin wanted to go to the park where we play volleyball. i felt i let him down, too. we ended up spending the evening at home. Punkin and el Jefe' even left me alone while they went to get burgers for dinner. i napped intermittently.

i had a horrible fear that i would go into labor this weekend without even considering a name for the Peanut. i at least got through girls names this weekend. rather like house hunting up North, nothing is a stand out, but it's a start.

i had a couple contractions this weekend. maybe it's Braxton Hicks, or maybe we're getting ready to throw our chaotic lives into another tizzy.

i bowled three games on Sunday (a practice session for Corporate Challenge). it was supposed to be a try-out, but only 4 of us showed up. i also worry that i will be in labor the day of the event. i'm going to get some back-up. i was glad to have the opportunity to practice. i didn't know how it would go, being shaped like an oompah loompah and all. i actually did pretty well (142, 126, 136 or something like that). and it was kind of fun.

el Jefe' went back North for a day or so. i made him carry a free ticket with him just in case he needs to immediately catch a flight. Punkin burst into tears and was inconsolable after we dropped el Jefe' off at the airport for most of the drive back home. he says he wants to go to the apartment and he wants to go up North. again, i feel like i'm letting him down. he's going to miss his friends, our friends, Nonna and Paw Paw (and Gabbie) and his teachers. he's only two and it breaks my heart.

i had a dream last night that el Jefe' could not get back while i went into labor. in the dream, the nurses left instructions to put Punkin in a cab. a cab to where?

i came to the conclusion i am not the picture of a glowing happy pregnancy. i don't think if things were less complicated i would behave any differently; i would just have a new list to worry about. it could really be just a couple weeks. and frankly, i'm not ready.