just shoot me

i forgot to get Abby's meds yesterday. i forgot to pick up my prenatal vitamins from the pharmacy yesterday. i forgot to go to the bank yesterday; i don't think i've been to the bank for nearly a month.

and i still didn't accomplish everything i needed to at work.

it's a crying shame, nearly literally these days. i'm clearly dedicated and focused on my job, in that i cannot break away for some time for myself. i inhale my lunch at my desk and just keep going. task after task, one step forward, two steps back. it's worse than a treadmill; at least you get exercise. oh that's right! i had that epiphany about why my work (my paying job) is not rewarding ...

i'm normally not a slacker. i don't give up. i have learned to lower my standards, but my father's voice in my head ("never be a quitter") haunts and drives me to do things i don't want to do. it drives me to be a martyr sometimes. so i take great responsibility in my assignments, my duties, my chores even when they offer nothing in return. just shoot me now; i don't ever see myself recovering from this character flaw.

but even with my lower standards, i can't keep up and the pack is breaking away. the CHBM site has been redesigned and has a plethora of new content. it has been that way for a while, yet i just noticed because i just had time to go there. i was looking for post ideas. i just about ran away with my tail between my legs. i certainly lowered my head in shame.

at yesterday's appointment, i was at 163 pounds (still) and my blood pressure was 115/60. i only have nine (9) more appointments with my gyn-ob until the Peanut's due date. on the bright side, it's less than 10.

tomorrow is an anniversary of sorts for me. it brings me down, but has nothing to do with my lack of "performance" or "success". this is day to day. and i'll continue to tolerate it, and it is doubtful i'll ever quit.