tick tock

time is so precious. every second that ticks by is gone. forever. irretrievable. yet i can waste it, consume it, regularly, especially and nearly exclusively during the work day (my paying job outside the home). this was never a problem before Punkin, before i became a mom. now i can piddle away a day, five days, with very little to show for it. i don’t have an excessive amount of guilt because i have given (gift, donation) over the past twenty years of my career. i also see those who have given far less over the span of far fewer years, who seem happy (happy!) and seem to be able to look themselves in the mirror every morning. i rationalize that being a slacker is acceptable. i do not blame Punkin; he represents more of a milestone in my lack of career motivation that the instigator.

clocks used to tick. i used to have a “digital” alarm clock in my bedroom that clicked as the minutes changed. now the minutes disappear silently. i’ve never been able to control the passage of time. maybe that used to be a desire, a secret wish of mine, but like the majority of the aspects of my life, i’ve given up.

realistic? laid-back? or slacker?