same as it ever was

so if i've been miserable as an engineer for twenty years, why do i do it? perhaps i'm still trying to please my parents?

when i was very little (and coincidentally quite young), i wanted to be just like my two older sisters. i learned to read before kindergarten (mind you, this was more than 35 years ago, when kids finger-painted and ate paste in kindergarten) because my sisters could read and went to school, and preschool just wasn't cutting it for me. so my parents tooks me to a psychologist to see if i was ready (little did they know i would see the same psychologist when i was in high school for depression and an eating disorder, but who has that kind of foresight?). all i remember from the "readiness" testing were some "what happens next?" pictures and trying to figure out what the ink blots looked like. anyway, i must've nailed the tests because i started kindergarten at age four.

at some point, i stopped wanting to be like my sisters. i stopped wanting to be "better" than my sisters, and i just wanted to be different than my sisters. both my sisters went to college. i was an over-achiever (trying to be "better"!), so it was just assumed i would go to college. i was able to squeeze in an art elective every now and then in high school, so i considered applying to the program at the Art Institute of Chicago. whereas band and orchestra were mandatory in my parents' eyes, art was a hobby and verboten as a career. while my high school aptitude tests suggested and my guidance counselor recommended i pursue engineering, i tried to convince my parents that maybe i should try a trade school and become an auto mechanic. i remember considering these as viable options, but i just somehow fell in line and went to college as an engineering major from day one.

my sisters believe i chose the engineering career path for the money. ha ha ha.

as i approach the 20th anniversary of full-time employment as an engineer, i can't believe i spent this much time, this much of my life, striving for something i don't want. am i trying to get dooced?