letting go

one thing i learned from becoming a mom: i can't do it all (and even better, i don't want to). i am in this constant state of dichotomy: mom versus the old me. the old me used to work (outside the home) 12-14 hour days and often worked (outside the home) six days a week, sometimes seven. i was driven. i thought hard work was rewarded (silly me). i didn't like it or enjoy it, but i fell into the pattern. i definitely have some OCD tendencies, and my work habits were both obsessive and compulsive.

things have drastically changes over the past 20 months. i've become an 8 to 5'er (outside the home). i haven't quite mastered the art of saying "no" at work, but i fully believe people expect a lot less out of me. and deep down inside i know i am taking advantage of that. i'm not the best mom, and i'm not the best engineer. at best, i'm mediocre at both, and frankly, just about everything in my life. it is quite the reversal from bordering on "perfectionist" as i did for 39 years or so.

one of my many coworkers who is the proverbial "thorn in my side" was just appointed to a technical committee within my company representing the southwest region. he is not qualified for this position. fact. he is a thorn because he acts defensive whenever we work together, because he is not dependable, and because he is arrogant. we are coworkers, but we are not equals in any way. he has half the amount of experience i do in terms of time, and less than half in terms of on-the-job skills because he changes employers on a regular (and frequent) basis. (as a matter of fact, he's due for a change.) rumor has it his work hours drastically changed when i was on leave (i can't call it maternity leave because that is not one of my company's benefits): he came in an hour or two early, and stayed an hour or two late. not that he accomplished any more work (allegedly, there was enough time spent on the internet seas to give him the nickname Magellan) but damn it, he was there! in my opinion his success can be attributed to being an engineer in a man's world, and the "good ol' boy" system is alive and well.

and then it occurred to me. in addition to my regular project and project management duties, i serve on three separate committees serving in both local and regional functions. each of these assignments requires travel away from my home twice a year. each of these assignments, while rewarding, requires extra time, whether for travel, or longer working hours, or donating time performing assignments that aren't billable. so let him have it. i spend enough time away from el Jefe' and the punkin. and being mediocre isn't so bad.