i have a plan

in the wee hours of Friday morning, despite talking my bedtime meds, i spent 3 hours on my mental homework. i completed my recovery/discharge plan, and my plan for triggers (you know, those wonderful events like holidays and similar situations where you just want to hide under a blanket and not face the day), and my weekly schedule. My weekly schedule is full from 8 am to 10 pm, and includes some sort of self care each day. i had to laugh ... my life does not have much time for me, and taking a poop or a handful of pills just doesn't count.

7 am: 1 Vistaril, 2 Wellbutrin
1 pm: 1 Vistaril, 2 Wellbutrin
bedtime: Multivitamin, D3, 1 1/2 Celexa, 2 Restoril, 1 Melatonin

and the saddest part of it all is that pharmaceutical cocktail is just to make me feel normal, a word i hate, but normal for me.

i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to be a mother.
i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to be in the work force.
i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to be raised in a dysfunctional family.
i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to have an elderly parent.

so i take a baker's dozen of pills.
i see a shrink biweekly.
i attend group weekly.
i see a therapist weekly.
i attend atleast one 12-step meeting weekly.
i see another psychologist biweekly.

and i try to raise two kids, maintain a job in a toxic work environment, deal with my childhood deamons, guide my father through the inevitable end of his journey, and let my husband know how grateful i am that he is in my life.

i have a plan.
it starts at 8 am and ends at 10 pm and includes all 7 days a week.
some elements i resist just because they are scheduled. they feel like "should's" or "have to's".
on paper, in black and white, it certainly mirrors the lack of enjoyment i feel daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly.
i felt gulity that i had to schedule time to talk to my husband. i felt guilty that it was at the end of the day, when we are both so exhausted we're close to passing out. one of us normally does just that.

so the intent is there, but will i follow the schedule, the plan?

just like the pharmaceutical motherlode, i have to follow the plan just to feel normal, again, normal for me.
it is hard for me to say i choose to follow the plan. that is a skill i have yet to learn.

i certainly did not choose to feel this way.