feels like a century

i believe this is post number 100. i'm surprised, and maybe a little discouraged, a maybe a little disenchanted, and maybe a little proud. i guess this blog is a good metaphor for my life: i do the best i can, even though most things don't turn out the way i had planned. happy anniversary to me.

i got a "Management Bonus" this week at work. i never really wanted to be in the "Management" category. i struggled and strived for 18 years to be recognized as a technical expert, even if it meant giving up more lucrative ($), less stressful, and less demanding opportunities. my coworkers knew, and eventually my immediate supervisor knew, and then i was able to approach the higher realms of management with my goals, wishes, and desires. the company i work for prides itself on offering two career paths (manager and technical expert) yet i had bosses who would blatantly ignore what i wanted, even when i expressed it. (i've had a lot of shitty bosses over my career. i can count two who respected me and my skills and my desires.) i finally put pride aside when i was pregnant with Punkin and let a lot of important people know that was my goal. and the day before i returned to work from maternity (really FMLA) leave, i was made a professional associate. talk about bittersweet; i was vacillating between career and motherhood and work full or part time and stay at home and and and ... and finally i reached my goal. the funny part: it was just a title. i got a certificate and new business cards and nothing else.

this year my company gave the new class of professional associates 3% raises. you got it, the new class. all senior professional associates were awarded some stock/insurance option package that they give to officers of the firm. but the previously appointed plain old professional associates got squat. i bitched to my supervisor and my department manager, not expecting them to change the system, but voicing my displeasure. i got an impressive year end salary adjustment, which i believe compensated for being dissed as an old professional associate.

so then out of the blue came this "Management Bonus". i attend "Managers" meetings because i am involved in marketing, specifically proposal writing (as i am one of the few people in my department of 85 that can write worth a damn), and i manage projects and i'm involved in business and management functions in association with my duties as the QA/QC coordinator. but i don't really feel like "Management", and i don't think i look like "Management", and i'm not part of the "Management" club. but they gave me some money, (not much, especially when half gets sucked up by taxes) and i can't refuse it. i'll politely say thank you and transfer it into savings.

i'm kind of at a career crossroads again, a little over two years from the time i became a mother and a little under two years from the time i became a professional associate. it has to do with the move North, my transfer, and my role (or lack thereof). i haven't had time to campaign for a position because in my heart and my pregnancy-fogged mind, it's a little nebulous, too. so for now, i'll accept the "Management Bonus" and bask in the glory of post number 100.