how did i go from being a workaholic, driven overachiever to the slacker that i’ve become? i used to be consumed with my paying job, my projects, my assignments. i used to do it on salary, and when projects allowed, i used to do it on overtime. overdrive. ten hours a day. six and sometimes seven days a week. i could focus, and would focus on perfection. and i found some reward, some satisfaction in my projects, my work products, and my paycheck. i honest to God felt euphoric after a submittal, and got goose-bumps driving by one of my projects under construction.
when i first came back to work (paying job) after 12 weeks of leave after Punkin was born, i came back full time. i was in the office four days a week (i used to stay at home with the Punkin on Wednesdays). i’d work longer days (longer than the standard 8 to 5), try to get in an hour or two on Wednesdays, and an hour or two on the weekends. then i found it hard to get any work done at home. i continued to bring work home, and at first i felt guilty, and then i stopped caring. i used to describe myself as being an ok mom and an ok engineer. and somewhere down the line, i stopped caring when i was in the office. i don’t care about the projects and the work products, as long as they get done (and just done. no perfection here). i honestly feel as though i’m just doing time.
i don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel in terms of hope at getting that spark back. i don’t know if i even want it back. in light of a potential sibling for Punkin, my only motivation is just to ride it out. i know i am incapable of being a stay-at-home mom (as i feel just barely capable of being a mom). but how am i going to continue this zombie-shuffle through my life?
P.S. el Jefe’ couldn’t help but notice my abstinence from alcohol this weekend (other than Mom Beer, aka Old Milwaukee NA). he is psyched and happy and looking forward to Punkin being a big brother.
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