i have a plan

in the wee hours of Friday morning, despite talking my bedtime meds, i spent 3 hours on my mental homework. i completed my recovery/discharge plan, and my plan for triggers (you know, those wonderful events like holidays and similar situations where you just want to hide under a blanket and not face the day), and my weekly schedule. My weekly schedule is full from 8 am to 10 pm, and includes some sort of self care each day. i had to laugh ... my life does not have much time for me, and taking a poop or a handful of pills just doesn't count.

7 am: 1 Vistaril, 2 Wellbutrin
1 pm: 1 Vistaril, 2 Wellbutrin
bedtime: Multivitamin, D3, 1 1/2 Celexa, 2 Restoril, 1 Melatonin

and the saddest part of it all is that pharmaceutical cocktail is just to make me feel normal, a word i hate, but normal for me.

i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to be a mother.
i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to be in the work force.
i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to be raised in a dysfunctional family.
i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to have an elderly parent.

so i take a baker's dozen of pills.
i see a shrink biweekly.
i attend group weekly.
i see a therapist weekly.
i attend atleast one 12-step meeting weekly.
i see another psychologist biweekly.

and i try to raise two kids, maintain a job in a toxic work environment, deal with my childhood deamons, guide my father through the inevitable end of his journey, and let my husband know how grateful i am that he is in my life.

i have a plan.
it starts at 8 am and ends at 10 pm and includes all 7 days a week.
some elements i resist just because they are scheduled. they feel like "should's" or "have to's".
on paper, in black and white, it certainly mirrors the lack of enjoyment i feel daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly.
i felt gulity that i had to schedule time to talk to my husband. i felt guilty that it was at the end of the day, when we are both so exhausted we're close to passing out. one of us normally does just that.

so the intent is there, but will i follow the schedule, the plan?

just like the pharmaceutical motherlode, i have to follow the plan just to feel normal, again, normal for me.
it is hard for me to say i choose to follow the plan. that is a skill i have yet to learn.

i certainly did not choose to feel this way.

breakthrough!

The "Laundry List" - Tony A., 1978

1. We become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.


2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.


3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.


4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.


5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by the weakness in our love and friendship relationships.


6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.


7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving of giving in to others.


8. We became addicted to excitement.


9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."


10. We have "stuffed our feelings from our traumatic chilhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).


11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.


12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotional for us.


13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the chariteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.


14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

So i identify with seven of these: 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 10, and 11.

HALF of the list, without growing up in an alcoholic household.

My breakthrough was realizing No. 12 applied to me.

i was texting a good friend and she asked why i stay in a job that makes me so miserable (see My Profile). i have been with my current employer 12 miserable years as well. My response was:

"I do it b/c i have no self esteem. It is like staying in a relationship with an alcoholic or a wife- beater." and then it hit me.

El Jefe' got it instantly, before the words came out of my mouth.

12 years with this employer. 7 with my previous employer.
i keep trying over and over and over, and the result is the same or worse.
That is the definition of insanity by the way.

It was just a revelation, not a plan for an exit strategy, but it was truly enlightening.
i feel relief.

i'm not done yet

Five full weeks, Monday through Friday.

Three part time weeks; working two days, and program the remainder.

I had thought i was ready to return to work part time. The plan was to do it slowly, adding an additional work day each week.


That was not the case.


Last Wednesday, i realized i had only completed one of my treatment goals. i can identify my feelings. Christ, i'm 45 years old and i am just learning that skill.


When i am positively medicated (my term for day time meds ... Vistaril and now Wellbutrin), my mind races, looking for that hidden lurking feeling. It finds sad a lot. It finds anger, and sometimes at the bottom of the precipice it finds scared.


It doesn't find happy, because i've forgotten what happy is and what makes me happy.

i can describe happy as feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudless day, when the sky is as blue as carribean waters.

i can describe happy as warm liquid caramel in the perfect ratio with milk chocolate just before it starts to melt in your mouth.

i can describe happy as a song that tickles your soul into forgetting who you are, how you feel, and cause you to drop your inhibitions and skip and dance and twirl.

i can describe happy as a bunch of perfect Pepto Bismol-colored pink tulips with their sturdy monochrome stems trimmed the same length and each leaf providing a contrasting highlight of the smoothness of the petals and stems.


But i can't find happy because i don't know what makes me happy.

i bought an ipod touch and i am working on finding some joy through music.

i savor every time punkin or peanut says, "I love you," or the moments they hold my hand.

i realized i lost myself.

why now?

I am currently on a Leave of Absence from work.

It started July 27th at the request of my employer. I made a concerted effort in the past 7 months to ask for help in my job with my responsibilities. I was managing all the roadway design projects in Nevada (plus one in California). During May, June, and early July, we consistently faced multiple deadlines weekly, sometimes two in the same day. We were successful. I saw my primary care physician July 2 and she suggested a new medication (Clonidine to lower blood pressure) and a more frequest dose of Seroquel, in addition to the Celexa I take at night. I had a panic attack that weekend, the first that I can remember, but I kept giving the medication(s) a chance. I had a client basically tell me I wasn't doing my job to my face July 7. I asked my boss that the situation be addressed. Same client sent an email with similar allegations July 23. I asked that all further communications go through my boss and my group leader, essentially removing myself from project communications. My employer questioned my professional judgment and asked me to take leave.

That was enough to push me to get the help I need.
My primary physician referred me to a Behavioral Health Program for assessment as well as medication management by a psychiatrist.
We are working through the insurance hoops.
I just finished my third week of 5 weeks of an intensive outpatient treatment program. For 5 days a week, I'm there from 9 am to noon. We have an hour instruction on lifeskills, and almost two hours of group therapy. In addition, I see a case worker once a week and a psychiatrist once a week. I've all ready had a couple med changes; no more Clonidine, upped my dose of Celexa, we replaced Seroquel with Vistaril, and we are working on that dosage. We also added Mirtazapine, which I don't think does squat.

I have a major depressive disorder (severe) and anxiety disorder. The depression is familiar as I have been battling that for a good 30 years. The anxiety disorder is new. I've learned that stress elevates levels of Dopamine. My work stress has been removed (mostly), but I'm stuck. My glass is still half full, so any additional stress still puts me over the the brim. So I can be very irritable, shakey, confused.

Another new emotion I am feeling is anger. I learned that anger is defined by violated expectations, and woo boy, do I have a list!

I've told Punkin and Peanut that I'm going to school for my head.
I've told Paw Paw I've entered this program. He calls what I am going through as "some psychiatric episode".

Like I said, it is not new, but it is different. It is disappointing to succumb, again.
I want to know the physical aspects ... like what chemical(s) am i missing? (I was told I could get a brain scan in California ... not really an option financially as insurance isn't covering some of my treatment).
And my greatest fear remains that I have passed this down to Punkin and Peanut.

One of the rules in group is not to give advice, so I ask that you please respect that. "This works for me."
I don't want pity, and I don't want pressure.
I know things will change.

I have filed for short-term disability, and leave under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA).

It helps me to write about it.

what you missed in '09

Well, it’s our Fifth Annual Holiday letter, and we just started composing it New Year’s Day (2010). As we had to file for an extension on our 2008 income taxes, we are asking for the same grace period from you.

January: The New Year began with well-checks for the kids (who are growing like weeds and blessedly well). El Jefe made four day trips to Las Vegas and one overnighter, and i had one overnighter, and somehow at least one of us was home with the kids while we worked weekends, too … but chaos is bound to happen as the photo shows. We went to Red Robin for Punkin’s fourth birthday, same as last year. Punkin’s former teacher, Ms. R, babysat when El Jefe and i went to the heartbreaking funeral for the husband of our friend and El Jefe’s coworker. Peanut got her lower right canine tooth. We think she has all her baby teeth by now, but apparently that is the last one we kept track of. Yes sang with the Naval Academy Glee Club at the Inaugural Celebration “We Are One” … an experience of a lifetime, but only her uncle was able to identify her on the stage as we all assumed she would be in the front row due to her height. And finally Punkin got to be the Birthday Star at Chuck E. Cheese. Fortunately the parent/child ratio was extremely high as we lost Peanut on more than one occasion.

February: The month started with John’s, Punkin’s classmate, birthday party at Ballocity, where parents and kids alike climb and slide and pelt each other with very soft spongy balls via cannon, machine gun, etc. El Jefe gave an inordinate number of presentations at Nevada Department of Transportation’s (NDOT’s) Resident Engineer (RE) Academy, including three in one day. He made three day trips to Las Vegas and one overnighter, i had one overnighter, and on that occasion we nearly passed each other in the airport to hand off the kids. We celebrated our eleventh anniversary with a wonderful dinner at the Rapscallion Seafood House, same as last year, while Ms. R held down the fort with the kids. We definitely proved that the cost of living has increased by ordering the exact same meal and drinks for $20.00 more (approximately a 20% increase for you analyticals). Peanut pee’d on the potty for the first time, and my dad, Paw Paw, came for a long weekend visit at the end of the month.

March: Paw Paw left early in the month, but within ten days El Jefe’s mom, Grandma, visited us from Wisconsin via San Diego. We all went to the Wilbur D. May museum here in Reno, which in addition to some great kids exhibits features an unbelievable collection of dead animals (far beyond lions and tigers and bears, oh my!). El Jefe made five day trips to Las Vegas and i had one two-nighter. We all went to the Shrine Circus where the kids found the clowns kind of scary, but the cotton candy terrific. Peanut roared at the tigers, Punkin was fired up by the motorcycles in the “sphere of death”, and Pam and El Jefe enjoyed the best Budweiser EVER. i turned forty-four without taking a break, realizing i have spent half of my life as an engineer and half of my career with one company.

April: El Jefe did one two-nighter and four day trips to Las Vegas this month. Peanut pooped in the potty! Punkin started sleeping in underwear! By this point, i was averaging one day off a month (including Saturdays and Sundays), so i jumped at the chance to spend a couple nights in Mesquite for the Nevada Chapter of the American Association of Public Works (APWA) Spring Conference, even if she had to give a presentation (“Q is for Quality”). It is no surprise in my frame of mind i lost her bifocals. We filed for that extension on our 2008 income taxes, and Punkin and Peanut helped me make Sponge Bob and Patrick cupcakes (Punkin’s idea) for El Jefe’s forty-eighth birthday.

May: Punkin read “Big and Little” to Peanut, and two days later both kids played sick to stay home from day care. It’s official; they are starting to gang up on us. Peanut’s tricycle was stolen allegedly by some hoodlum kids. El Jefe only made one day trip to Las Vegas this month, but we made up for it with an eight-day Midwestern journey to scatter Nonna’s (my mom’s) ashes. We all flew into Louisville, KY, and drove the next day to meet Paw Paw in Evansville, IN. We went to Nonna’s hometown of Vincennes, IN, and also saw the early sprouts in my Aunt Pat’s infamous garden. She is the one who instructed me in the art of canning tomatoes. From there we caravanned with Paw Paw through pouring rain (a novelty for our kids) to Gibson City, IL, home of my Aunt Gayle and Uncle Doug. Punkin and Peanut most enjoyed playing in the basement (also a novelty for our kids). Uncle Doug gave us all a tour of Foster’s Woods, home of his tale of “The Little People”, which he was encouraged to tell no less than seven times in two days. We split off from Paw Paw and continued north to Arena, WI, to visit with Grandma and Grandpa Paul, El Jefe’s aunt and uncle and cousin. We went on a horse-drawn wagon ride, toured a reconstructed blacksmith shop, and visited with El Jefe’s cousin, who had spent the day with his sister planting literally pallets of tomato and pepper plants. We squeezed in a day with El Jefe’s dad and his family, who got some terrific snuggle time with Peanut. In the end, we drove south to fly home via Midway. We used all that inspiration to plant our own little garden (10 ft x 10 ft), a rare but typical home improvement involving multiple trips to Home Depot for irrigation system parts. Paw Paw made his way back to the North, logging in over 7,500 miles, and Peanut got her first haircut. El Jefe and i went to a terrific retirement party barbeque for El Jefe’s boss, sans all the kids (including Paw Paw), as Ms. R once again held down the fort. And despite Paw Paw’s dog, Gabby, destroying the first effort at the cake, we all celebrated Peanut’s second birthday at our home in the North.

June: El Jefe did two two-nighters and one day trip to Las Vegas this month, while i went to Washington State for five days, participating as a Quality Auditor in our Bellevue and Burlington offices. Peanut said “I miss you” on the phone, and graduated to a big girl bed to discourage Punkin from pulling her out of her crib and onto her head. Yes turned nineteen. El Jefe was treated to Father’s Day gifts related to the ravenous birds in our backyard: binoculars, a bird book, and birdhouses crafted by Punkin and Peanut. El Jefe got the promotion to the Chief of Construction position at NDOT! We ate radishes out of our garden, and went to a backyard water party for Sophia’s (a former classmate of Peanut’s) second birthday. Punkin and her sister, Emily are best of friends … a budding romance at age four.

July: Yes did some time at sea as part of her second summer at the Naval Academy in Annapolis. Paw Paw came for visit, and we all stayed up past our bedtimes to enjoy 4th of July fireworks at Star Spangled Sparks. El Jefe made one overnighter and four day trips to Las Vegas, including one via Ely. i spent two nights in Denver, CO for Federal Program Management training, including a side trip to my Mecca, the New Belgium Brewery in Ft. Collins, CO. Punkin and Peanut started Saturday swimming lessons, and Peanut finally mastered riding her replacement tricycle (no parental push handle). We all went to the NDOT Family Summer Bash, followed the next day by Emily’s birthday party at Ballocity (busy social calendar, eh?). With a ton of help from friends and coworkers, i was able to pull off a surprise celebration for El Jefe’s promotion to Chief of Construction. i flew in over 20 pounds of brats and wieners from Wisconsin (Usinger’s), and arranged for a keg of Icky (Ichthyosaur Pale Ale, from local brewery Great Basin).

August: El Jefe and Punkin had some male bonding time at Logan’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. El Jefe represented Nevada at the American Association of State and Highway Transportation Official’s (AASHTO’s) Construction Conference in downtown Chicago, so i and the kids tagged along to goof off, only occasionally paying $20.00 a day for hotel internet. Grandma took the Van Gilder from Wisconsin to join us. Punkin and i participated in the Skyscraper Challenge at the Children’s Museum; Punkin and Peanut dressed up and slid like penguins at the Shedd Aquarium; the kids played in the fountains at Millenium Park; and Grandma and i struggled to figure out parking garage fees. We most enjoyed Wednesday night fireworks off Navy Pier (because we could walk from our hotel). At the conclusion of the conference, we all drove up to Arena, WI for El Jefe’s 30th River Valley High School class reunion. El Jefe made lots of promises to update his Facebook page. We celebrated his Dad’s birthday at their home in Belleville with a pool party, when Peanut was convinced she could swim alone (not really). El Jefe made two overnighters and one day trip to Las Vegas; i made a day trip, too. Paw Paw came up for a long weekend, highlighted by our company picnic at Zephyr Cove (Lake Tahoe), Punkin’s first of many rounds of mini golf at Magic Carpet, and we adopted Elsie, a feisty black and white medium hair cat who coincidentally carries the same name as my maternal grandmother. Our garden kicked into production mode (except for our pathetic sweet corn) and we started canning salsa and baking bread from our harvests. The month concluded with a visit to the Nevada State Fair, where Punkin got a $40.00 Nemo, Peanut turned green on the giant spinning strawberry ride, and we all were mesmerized by the Splash Dogs, who can leap nearly 20 feet from a dock into a tub of water.

September: El Jefe continued to carry the responsibilities of both the Assistant Chief and Chief of Construction jobs for the third month with one overnighter and two day trips to Las Vegas. We went to the Best of the West Rib Cook-Off (twice!) and amazingly filed our 2008 incomes taxes just after Labor Day. Ms. R babysat again while El Jefe and i went to a barbeque up at Lake Tahoe. We all went to the Great Reno Balloon Race, including the Glow Show, Dawn Patrol, mass ascension, pancake breakfast, and this year fifteen minutes in the bounce house and inflatables to make sure Punkin and Peanut were sufficiently exhausted. Obviously not, as Punkin successfully rode his bicycle without training wheels later that day. Paw Paw visited the following weekend, but we never made it to the Air Races. i attended the APWA Fall Conference up at Lake Tahoe, and Peanut pee’d on the potty three times at day care in one day!

October: For Peanut’s third and Punkin’s sixth time, we all participated in Race for the Cure, then the Walk for Juvenile Diabetes the following weekend. El Jefe had one overnight trip in Elko, NV, returned North via Las Vegas, and turned the reins over to one of his Assistant Chiefs. After nearly three years, we finally returned to Kauai, spending two weeks on the island with Paw Paw. Punkin and Peanut swam with water wings like little fish, both in the condo pool and the ocean where we got up close to a real tide pool and a couple green sea turtles. i got stung by a bee, Punkin took a header that required three band-aids, and Peanut got car sick. We all took a helicopter ride which Paw Paw deemed “uneventful”, and a sunset cruise when both Peanut and i got seasick (“eventful”?). We got the opportunity to see our house, and El Jefe and i independently considered chucking it all and staying on paradise, where the cruel irony is internet is free. Paw Paw stayed in Hawaii another three weeks while we returned home via LAX, spending 8 hours in the airport after a red-eye which just seemed like another three weeks. We arrived home in time for the kids to enjoy their Halloween Parties and a night of Trick-or-Treating.

November: Honestly El Jefe was sick most of the month and only made one day trip to Las Vegas, while i did one overnighter. i took Punkin and Peanut to play the 28-hole back course at Magic Carpet where Punkin got a hole-in-one, and i came home with Barney, a 13-week-old Border Collie/Lab mix. We went to a party for El Jefe’s new Assistant Chief; i took the kids to Tanisha’s third birthday party; and we all made a jet-set 24-hour trip to Las Vegas for our friend Mike’s surprise 40th birthday party. Three days later, we drove to Las Vegas with both dogs (Jenny and Barney) to spend Thanksgiving with Paw Paw (and Gabby) and my middle sister and her family. Besides an amazingly civilized Thanksgiving dinner, we all completely enjoyed a day at the Springs Preserve.

December: El Jefe had one day trip to Las Vegas and two nights for training in Sacramento, CA. Punkin and Peanut rode their bicycles the day before it snowed over a foot, the Tumblebus arrived with chains (for the wheels, not the kids), and we saw a herd of a dozen wild horses including three colts strolling down the street on our way to day care. Our social calendar was jam-packed with the NDOT Construction Christmas party in Gardnerville, a family Christmas party at the NDOT Deputy Director’s home, and my company’s Holiday party. Ms. R of course had the baby-sitting gigs! Paw Paw and Yes both arrived on the 22nd to spend Christmas with us; we had not seen Yes in a year and a half, and this was her first visit to the North. We had a very special visit from Santa Christmas Eve, played by my coworker, although Punkin was convinced he was El Jefe’s coworker Steve. “Santa Steve” delivered, so there were no complaints. Peanut had two days in Tinker Bell underwear but has since regressed. We all went ice skating at the Rink on the River, skiing at Mt. Rose (Peanut cried all three times down the bunny hill), and went to see “The Princess and The Frog” (Peanut’s first movie in a theater; mine and El Jefe’s first in 4½ years). My middle sister and her family came “over the hill” on Sunday and joined us for another day of skiing at Mt. Rose where Peanut made four more runs (without crying!), Punkin took his first chair lift ride and repeated the feat no less than six times, and my sister and i skied/snow-boarded together for the first time in over 25 years. All of our visitors left on the 30th and we closed 2009 by celebrating Eastern time zone New Year’s Eve with hot dogs and macaroni and cheese at home.

El Jefe takes one furlough day a month, i logged in over 500 unpaid hours (not including this letter), and through it all the most rewarding time is that we share with our family and dear friends. With that, it’s time for a Fat Tire. We send you all our love and wishes for a prosperous new decade.

what you missed in '08

Well, it’s our Fourth Annual Holiday letter. The year has been filled with challenges, growth, and travel (mostly for work so don’t get your hopes up for a travelogue). And at this rate, this letter may be commemorating the President’s Day holiday.

January: Santa made a very special visit to our home in the North New Year’s Eve, as we were just returning from an extended week-long visit to Wisconsin. Along with all the other ridiculous amounts of loot, Santa brought Punkin a fire truck and Peanut a doll. Less than two weeks later, Punkin celebrated his third birthday at Red Robin. Each year his birthday seems closer and closer to Christmas. Here he is sporting two of his favorite gifts: his own umbrella (poor kid doesn’t realize we only get 7.5 inches of rain a year), and an annual registration for the Tumblebus. It’s an old school bus with some limited gymnastic equipment on-board that comes to day care once a week. The kids are all excited to wear their Tumblebus shirts … like a little gang of pre-schoolers. Peanut’s menu expanded to include carrots, pear, asparagus, potato, peas (yuck!), yogurt (yum!) and green beans, and with all that energy she finally crawled! El Jefe traveled once or twice a week to Las Vegas, and added a fun-filled overnight in Ely. i shoveled snow on the weekends with her helper, Punkin, as her only form of exercise.

February: Looking back, we only took 8 photos this month. El Jefe got the flu, and was so miserable he actually went to the doctor who told him, “Yep, you’ve got the flu.” It slowed him down to the point where he only made two trips to Las Vegas the entire month! We celebrated our tenth anniversary one day late (El Jefe was over-nighting in Las Vegas, but made up for it) with a wonderful dinner at the Rapscallion Seafood House while Punkin’s teacher Ms. R held down the fort with the kids. El Jefe’s mom came up for a visit, bum knee and all, while i went to Tucson, AZ for a couple days for my final year of participation in the Pathfinders Awards of Excellence Program (as a National Committee member, not a recipient). When i returned, i got the flu, too. It was debilitating, and thankfully neither of the kids got it. Punkin got a flu shot (“in his knee” as he tells the story) at his three year well-check. Our pediatrician was out of infant vaccine, but thankfully Peanut never succumbed. She showed Grandma that she could hold her own bottle and pulled herself up this month.

March: Grandma left early in the month, but inspired us to actually enjoy the trails surrounding our neighborhood with Peanut in the stroller and Punkin on a tricycle. El Jefe did two overnights and four day trips to Las Vegas this month. i did one day trip to present Pathfinder Awards to the Southern staff. Peanut ate peaches, broccoli, cauliflower, and mango, while she experienced hot dogs at school. i turned 43 on the day our (former) property manager started eviction processes on the tenant in our home in the South. After several starts at eviction in less than six months of being in our home, this one was final. i cried when i saw the inspection report. There were no holes in the walls, but the house had essentially become a three bedroom kennel. Peanut got her first shoes this month, and we were able to enjoy coloring eggs and an Easter egg hunt in our North home.

April: El Jefe did two overnights and seven day trips to Las Vegas this month. Punkin dressed himself, and Peanut gained five new teeth this month. Despite all the misery of so many new teeth, she was able to concentrate hard enough to learn to climb up the stairs. We all traveled to the South to check on the house, hire a new property manager, and spend a little time with my parents, Paw Paw and Nonna. On April 24th, we experienced our first earthquake. El Jefe was experienced from his days of living in California, but every time there was an earthquake in the South, we had been out of town. Two days later, El Jefe turned 47.

May: El Jefe did one overnight and five day trips to Las Vegas this month, while i did one overnight in Phoenix, AZ for the Quality Summit. After one day of practice, Punkin learned to ride his “big boy bike” (with training wheels) ... the bad part about our neighborhood trail system is there are lots of kids, including the ones who questioned why Punkin was on a tricycle. Talk about peer pressure. Both Punkin and Peanut “graduated” to the next room at day care (mind you, tuition is based on age, so there were no financial benefits). Punkin participated in the Hop-a-Thon for MDA, hopped 92 times in two minutes, and raised a total of $259.00. i and El Jefe opted for the “per hop” pledge … what were we thinking? Within an eight day period, El Jefe’s daughter Yes graduated from Arch-Bishop Spalding High School in Maryland and El Jefe’s daughter Peanut turned one year old. We all ventured out to Maryland, including El Jefe’s Dad and wife, and El Jefe’s Mom and husbandl, to celebrate Yes’s graduation and hang out with El Jefe’s brother, wife, and their daughter in Baltimore. Punkin’s quote of the month was, “The bone in your head is called a knuckle-head.” My parents, Paw Paw and Nonna, joined us in the North to celebrate Peanut’s first birthday. Peanut took her first steps to Paw Paw the day after. We got a new tenant in our home in the South just in time for Memorial Day.

June: El Jefe made five day trips to Las Vegas including one where he returned the rented hospital-grade pump (my ball and chain) on the State plane. He also did one over-nighter. i went to Southern California for four days, participating as a Quality Auditor in our Irvine and San Diego offices. Peanut walked alone, and we discovered she had an ear infection at her one-year well-check … we never knew as she is such a good sleeper. Appalled by the price of gas, i purchased a bicycle trailer to haul the kids to daycare (five miles one way) and another half-mile to my office. Like the January snow shoveling, it was my only form of exercise. At the end of the month, we all went to Punkin’s flip-flop buddy, Josie’s 3 ½ year birthday party at Jump Man Jump. Peanut was overwhelmed by sinking in the corral of balls, i got a floor burn on her elbow, El Jefe got one on his knee, and Punkin had a blast!

July: Yes started, and eventually survived Plebe Summer at the Naval Academy in Annapolis. We are so proud of her for being able to live without her cell phone and having 9 pm curfew (seriously, we are very proud of her). We landscaped our back yard the old fashioned way (we hired someone to do it) and our basic installation was complete by the 4th of July. We all stayed up past our bedtimes to enjoy fireworks at Star Spangled Sparks. We then continued our work in progress by planting a lilac bush and frequented Moana Nursery on the weekends as we vowed to do all the trees and bushes ourselves. The month featured some record-breaking poor air quality from the hundreds of fires in California, but i sucked it up (literally) and biked to work with the kids in tow a day or two a week. Punkin went to his first movie in the theater (Kung Fu Panda) as a field trip, and Ms. R babysat while Pam and El Jefe enjoyed dinner at a local brew pub (my only criteria for choice of restaurant was lack of a kid’s menu.) El Jefe made nine day trips to Las Vegas this month. Nonna and Paw Paw stopped in for a couple days on their way to Oregon. It was very special as we were all together to celebrate Nonna’s 73rd birthday at our home in the North.

August: Paw Paw and Nonna spent the weekend with us on their way back home from their Oregon timeshare adventure. Peanut got three molars this month. Just like her mom, she tends to grow teeth in bulk. El Jefe did an overnighter and four day trips to Las Vegas while i did two. Peanut had her first of four Parent and Me swimming lessons, so we all went to practice the next day at Sparks Marina. Swimming lessons are so popular that we could not get both kids into classes until October. Punkin started treatment for a Planter’s wart, which he called his Planet blister, consisting of DuoFilm and duct tape. We ended the month by attending the Best of the West Rib Cook-off. Just like her dad, Peanut loves beans!

September: It took fourteen months, but i finally realized i liked living in the North. We all went to the Great Reno Balloon Race, including the Glow Show and Dawn Patrol. This required getting the kids up at 4 am and layering sweatshirts over their pajamas. Once the sun came up, we watched the mass ascension as balloons filled the sky and enjoyed a pancake breakfast. Peanut fell asleep on the way to her swimming lesson. El Jefe did two over-nighters in Las Vegas and three day trips, while i spent nearly a week in our Folsom office for their Quality Audit. We had our first non-family visitor since we moved to Reno, our friend Cathy who we have known since the South, who was working in our North office and got stranded as hurricane Ike caused havoc to her home and family in the Houston area. Punkin painted his toenails (unsupervised) a lovely shade of pink, and we adopted Putty, a 1½ year-old medium-hair tabby from the Humane Society. She is an awesome cat, very social with all of our family, incredibly tolerant of the kids, and holds her own with our dog, Jenny.

October: Both Punkin and Peanut had Saturday swimming lessons this month. Since I am a Pisces, this is mandatory. We all participated in Race for the Cure; it was Peanut’s second and Punkin’s fifth events, which is amazing when you consider their ages are just 1½ and 3 at the time of this letter. The following weekend, we all participated in the Walk for Juvenile Diabetes. Peanut got her face painted, and Punkin most enjoyed the picnic lunch of Qdoba burritos after the walk. El Jefe had four day trips to Las Vegas and one overnighter, while i spent four days in Las Vegas for their Quality Audit. Amazingly enough, i also had a day trip to Las Vegas that wasn’t for work! i attended a baby shower for my friend Amy. The month was filled with all things Halloween, especially pumpkins and Jack-O-Lanterns. My parents, Paw Paw and Nonna, visited just in time for Halloween, and Nonna accompanied both Punkin and Peanut on their first adventure of Trick-or-Treating.

November: With Nonna and Paw Paw still visiting, we all enjoyed our first Nevada Day parade in Carson City, especially Paw Paw who stayed warm and dry in the car. The following day we all discovered the Animal Ark, a sanctuary just north of town for native and not so native wildlife including cheetahs, and tigers, and bears (oh my!). El Jefe made two day trips to Las Vegas, i had two overnighters in Las Vegas, and El Jefe made a day trip (looong day trip) to Elko. On Election Day, El Jefe encountered some black ice on his early morning commute to Carson City (not flying that day); crash-tested both the guardrail and concrete barrier rail, experienced air-bag deployments first-hand, and totaled his 2001 Jeep Cherokee. He was miraculously unscathed, and the only thing wounded was his pride. Four days later, we bought a Subaru Outback, so now we really look like Northerners. The next evening, we all had dinner at the home of John and Linda Narigon, North transplants from Iowa, and met with Sandra, Donna, Barb, Manu, what’s her name, and Tammy, totaling ten current or former engineers with the Iowa DOT. (Only Sandra’s kids have any hope at a different career path, as her husband is the only non-engineer among us). On the morning of November 17th, my mom, Nonna, died very suddenly and unexpectedly, having suffered two heart attacks in a few short hours. My middle sister and i flew to Las Vegas that afternoon. El Jefe, Punkin, and Peanut joined us the following day, making the drive from the North, while my eldest sister flew in from Atlanta. My dad, Paw Paw, is holding up remarkably well after losing the love of his life after 51 years of marriage. He gained 4 pounds in the short week we were there, so we know we at least supplied some comfort food. Paw Paw spent Thanksgiving in Los Angeles with my middle sister and her family. We had a quiet Thanksgiving, just the four of us, at our home in the North. Punkin finally got the pumpkin pie he has been talking about since October.

December: El Jefe had two day trips and an overnighter in Las Vegas, while i had three overnight trips to Las Vegas. We’ve stayed with Paw Paw, although he rarely sees us because we work such ridiculous hours. One trip, the only evidence of El Jefe was an empty Foster’s left in the kitchen. i had a bender with some of my co-workers, while El Jefe braved Applebee’s alone with both Punkin and Peanut. Ms. R babysat for my Christmas party, memorable as we actually stayed out (and awake) until 2 am. i was very proud of the fuzzy handcuffs i got as a white elephant gift; Punkin seems to be enjoying them, too. Peanut has transitioned to Suite 200, and because she is 18 months old, we finally got a tuition break! Ms. R babysat again for the NDOT Construction Christmas party, held at Nevada’s oldest hotel, the Gold Hill Hotel in Virginia City. For the first time since January 8, 2005, El Jefe and I spent an entire night alone together without the kids (Thank you, Ms. R!). We got a silver tip variety of Christmas tree (half price! because we waited until the 19th); it is very reminiscent of the ones El Jefe’s family would cut down in the woods in Wisconsin. For the first time ever, we were able to use a Christmas tree skirt Nonna had made because the trunk was narrow enough to fit through the hole. It is very sweet, featuring a teddy bear family of four. How did she know that is how our immediate family would be comprised? Paw Paw drove up North with his dog, Gabby, on the 21st; El Jefe took a week off because he was in a “use it or lose it” situation with his vacation time at work; and my middle sister and her family came over the hill on the 23rd so we could all spend Christmas together in our home here in the North. While i slaved away at work, everyone enjoyed a day of ice skating at the Rink on the River. Actually, Peanut was not too thrilled, completed only one lap, and then refused to allow her skates to be removed (she’s all about shoes, and ice skates are very special shoes!). Santa brought Punkin an electric train, but Punkin was most excited by the candy canes being hauled in one of the freight cars. We also discovered Peanut is a candy cane junkie (it must be genetic), and are looking for a toddler detox program for her habit. We had a beautiful Christmas snow, opened gifts from those near, and far, and even passed, and enjoyed the madness of five kids (one of which is 84 and doesn’t believe in Santa), four very hard-working adults, two dogs, and a cat. El Jefe and Punkin had a two-hour “Parent teach your child to ski” lesson at North Star, while my middle sister and her family snowboarded and skied in the best conditions the Sierras have seen in many, many years. Peanut accompanied me at work to complete a submittal due the 26th. Peanut left plenty of evidence of her day at work between goldfish and cheerios ground into the carpet, and a veritable rainbow of highlighters on every surface that was not covered by piles of papers. We all went sledding on Saturday, and i drove back to Las Vegas with Paw Paw and Gabby on Sunday for two days of work down South. New Year’s Eve was spent here in the North, in our home, and the four of us were asleep by 9 pm.

It has been a very trying year, with lots of travel, schedule juggling (i typically works Saturdays and El Jefe works Sundays), and the gamut of challenges we face at work due to the economic meltdown we are all experiencing. We are working harder than ever, and are so grateful to remain employed. But in the end, the greatest gift of all is the love we share with our dear friends and family.

With that, it’s time for a Foster’s. We send you all our love and wishes for a prosperous new year.

baby got some new shoes

i put in a full day (my paying job, although i didn’t get paid) on Saturday. el Jefe’ went in on Sunday for about five hours, and worked from home for a couple hours on Monday. maybe he got some overtime; maybe not. who cares? this is how we relaxed and enjoyed our long weekend. ha. what’s wrong with this picture?

i had this huge sense of accomplishment by the time i left at 7 pm on Saturday. i finished three major tasks; collecting and uploading files, some of which were five years old, to hand off a design task to another office (something about us getting fired? moreso, the client does not want to work with us because we are tired of giving them everything for free); a major scope of work rewrite (couldn’t leave on “track changes” it was so bloody); and a complete fee proposal revision and restructuring (base + options, base, bask task 1, base task 2, base task 3, option 1, option 2, option 3, option 3A, option 3B). one diet dew, three diet cokes. it needed to be done, but really, does anyone care that i blew a day of a long weekend? would today or tomorrow or this week have been soon enough?

peanut had her third swimming lesson on Saturday.
we all went to the Best of the West Rib Cook-off on Sunday.
peanut and punkin got some new shoes on Monday.

i think the shoes were the highlight of my (not-so) long weekend.

P.S. and today i just noticed my ads are no longer about real estate or child care in the South. drugs. drugs. drugs.

quality of life (or lack thereof), part one

thankfully, the olympics are over. now i can get some sleep.

Punkin is on his eighth day of treatment for removal of his planet blister. Peanut is getting her eleventh tooth (molar, lower left side). el Jefe' went into work Sunday morning, much to my dismay. i am making my second day trip in six days down South tomorrow, again, much to my dismay.

when el Jefe' accepted his promotion to the North nearly a year and a half ago, he was told his travel between North and South would be limited to three trips a month. that was a myth. he makes one trip at least once a week, typically two, and sometimes three days a week. he stays overnight at least once a month. i am not happy about his travel demands, especially because it is so much more than we bargained for. he gets on the State plane maybe once a week, so the frequent flyer trips are really adding up. he qualified for a companion pass last year, and there is no doubt in my mind he will qualify again for one again this year. we've used it once, and are accumulating "free" roundtrip tickets at a rate such that we both have ones that will expire and go unused. we don't have any vacation plans on the near horizon and we're too tired for a "weekend getaway" and with all this travel during the week, he has succumbed to putting in extra time on the weekends in an attempt to keep up with his normal workload, so we couldn't go anywhere anyway if we wanted to.

as i am making my second day trip in six days down South tomorrow, i understand why. even if you put in an eight-hour day and add the flying time as "over time" (completely unpaid in my case) and you throw in the airport waiting time out of the goodness of you heart, you end up behind. you kill more than a day. i don't care if you are on your cell phone the entire time, or you're on your laptop the entire time (within the acceptable limits allowed by FAA regulations, of course), you enter into this time warp that sucks the productivity out of your very soul.

speaking of sucking, that is how i feel about having a midwestern work ethic. if it is not apparent, el Jefe' has it, too. it takes away from our time together, the time with our kids, the time for play, and the time for relaxation (whatever that is).

it's not worth it.

my brave Punkin

Punkin had a Planters wart removed today, or "planet blister" as he called it. we noticed it several weeks ago, before his weekly class theme was about planets and space, so i don't know where that connection in terminology came from. i convinced el Jefe' we should at least call the pediatrician before trying over-the-counter caustic chemicals on our three-year-old's foot, and i delegated this responsibility to el Jefe' because appointment scheduling can be such a pain in the ass. after Punkin reminded el Jefe' several times (nagging is much more acceptable from a three-year-old), the appointment was made.

this was only the second time Punkin has been to our Northern pediatrician. the first was for his three-year well-check, which normally does not require shots, but they just happened to have flu vaccines available. i asked Punkin if he wanted a flu shot, and much to my surprise he responded "sure." he got the shot in his leg without a single wimper or tear. he liked the stickers, but wasn't over-enthusiastic about them. he did equate going to the doctor with "getting a shot in your knee" but this was said matter-of-factly, completely without fear. when Peanut has had to go to the pediatrician for thrush or a viral rash, Punkin assumed that she would get a shot in her knee. that's just what they do.

so phase one of the planet blister removal entailed the dreaded freezing/burning process which is far less than pleasant to an adult, much less a three-year-old. el Jefe' was very proud to report that again, Punkin didn't wimper or cry. he said it hurt, and accepted the bounty of stickers the amazed staff bestowed upon him. he wanted to share his stickers with his friends at school. el Jefe' let him pick out a treat afterwards, and surprisingly he picked Starbursts, and only ate two on his way back to school.

i am so proud.

pondering passion, not potential

it occurred to me this past weekend that all these Olympians have parents, and somewhere down the line (sometimes as young as the age of three) someone identified a talent. huge sacrifices were made by these parents (or parent), whether for lessons, or coaches, or uniforms, or camps, or travel to competitions, or just being able to raise your kid.

i pay six bucks for a half-hour swimming lesson. it’s not that i want or expect my kids to become the next Michael Phelps or Natalie Coughlin; i merely want them to know how to swim for their own safety. i enjoy the feel of water against my skin (i’m a Pisces, ya know), of silently floating, and the rare times i feel as though i am gliding through the pool. i hope my kids enjoy that same simple pleasure. at the very least, i don’t want them to fear the water.

for Punkin, i cough up a little over eight bucks for 30 minutes on the Tumblebus. this was my gift to him for his third birthday. he wanted to do it mainly because his friends were doing it; they’re like a little cult, donning their special t-shirts on Wednesdays. sometimes it is the only motivation to get him to school (Punkin as well as me to get there on time). Punkin’s enthusiasm for the Tumblebus has diminished over the summer, perhaps because it is summer and enrollment is constantly changing. i’m not expecting a Paul or Morgan Hamm to emerge from the 80’s era school bus.

but how do you know?

not that they are good enough. not that they have Olympic potential. not that the time and money invested is worth it.

how do you know they love it?

obsession

i am obsessed with the olympics. my obsession is focused: primarily swimming, but i'll watch women's beach volleyball (not impressed with Dallhauser ...) and gymnastics, and track and field is yet to come. i stay up and watch live events on network television. i have seen countless commercials since Sunday ... thank God i have had a Coke in the past 80 years, and i primarily use my Visa Card, and the Home Depot athletes are inspiring, and all McDonalds serves is all white meat chicken, and John McCain advertises way more than Barack Obama.

i am grateful it is only every four years.

no, not two; the winter games are not nearly as consuming.

it's baaaack

so much for a good thing.

i didn't ride today. i debated this morning, and came up with excuses (Punkin's field trip and a grocery store run and need to go to the bank), and went back to bed. i'd love to say a got an additional blissful 30 minutes of sleep, but really i just laid there and procrastinated starting my day.

i made it through the deep depressing PMS days, so much so that it came as a surprise. maybe it was early. maybe it was affected by my new meds. i don't keep track anymore. i can't handle another child. i'm having a hard enough time with two.

i feel like i hit the wall yesterday. perhaps it was due to lack of sleep because i am obsessed with watching the Olympics. perhaps it was due to frustration with my father. perhaps it was due to stress from el Jefe' being out of town over night.

it is lingering. i feel like i need more meds.

make my toast dry

i’m having issues with my father, specifically with regard to his interaction with Punkin. i was going to say “conversations”, but really what kind of conversation can an 83-year-old man have with a 3-and-a-half-year-old boy when the 83-year-old-man is irrational?

i first became aware of the issue when my parents were visiting to celebrate Peanut’s first birthday. Peanut is their only granddaughter; Punkin is their fourth grandson. Punkin and Paw Paw were outside and Punkin wouldn’t listen to some command or instruction. Paw Paw labeled my son “bad” and spent several hours pouting and ignoring my son. eventually i told my father, Paw Paw, that his job was to give my son unconditional love. it was a strained, difficult weekend, so i wrote it off as a symptom.

the last weekend of July and the first weekend in August, my parents spent both weekends visiting us; we’ve become a wayside for their timeshare adventures (because my father insists on driving everywhere). the first weekend was my mother’s birthday, so most of the attention was focused on her (and they stayed with us merely Friday and Saturday nights). the second weekend they arrived on Friday night and did not leave until Monday morning. my mother was sick, hacking, eventually diagnosed very close to having pneumonia. my father arrived with a belly ache which lasted a day or two. neither weekend was a rip-roaring time, but then again they never are, but i do not recall any specific incident between Punkin and Paw Paw.

as my parents were preparing to leave, they were doting on Peanut. Paw Paw was ignoring Punkin. Punkin pee’d in the corner of the living room. i didn’t make a big deal and got him cleaned up without a bunch of fuss, which is nothing short of a miracle for me … thank God for meds. as we were saying our goodbyes, Punkin wouldn’t give Paw Paw a hug and a kiss goodbye. i wasn’t about to force him to do it. Punkin did insist on waving goodbye as they left. and my father’s parting words to Punkin: “eventually you will realize what side your bread is buttered on.” needless to say this meant nothing to Punkin.

i wrote it off to another strained, difficult set of weekends.

one week later, i’m on the phone with my parents for the weekly obligatory phone call. my father’s opening words to me: “you tell your son he needs to learn what side his bread is buttered on.” my response: “he’s three and a half, and i will not have this conversation with you. we all love you. goodbye.”

my father’s messages have fucked me up for a lifetime and left me with low self esteem. fine. whatever. although he is ignorant of the pain he has caused me, i love him. atleast i know where the negative voices in my head come from. but i will not let him hurt my son. Punkin loves his Paw Paw, and asks when he will see him next. i don’t know what to say. i don’t want to expose my son to that for one second. i don’t care about gifts or an inheritance. my son deserves nothing less than the unconditional love i didn’t get, as it was obviously conditional.

hell hath frozen over (again)

i ironed two pairs of pants (capris, actually, so it was an abbreviated version of ironing pants) and one shirt last night. the shirt was a stupid idea. it's a very nice white linen shirt, purchased by el Jefe', that i wore a couple weeks ago to a meeting with big-wigs and politicians in an attempt to dress up. that was a travesty as said meeting occurred on a Friday when normally it is acceptable to wear jeans and flip flops. the shirt was an afterthought; i needed to iron the capris because my hanging damp method didn't provide its usual results, and i thought i'd throw in the shirt for good measure, just in case i have to meet with the queen or something.

a linen shirt. that i won't be wearing for days, or weeks. that i will undoubtedly have to iron again before i wear it.

i must've been delirious. i do not recall when was the last time i ironed. it's not that i didn't need to iron. it's that i made do with the results of the hanging damp method, even if my wardrobe was reduced to five bottoms and five tops, since Peanut was born.

my boss made a comment a couple weeks ago about a golf shirt i was wearing needing ironing. need i mention he has a SAH wife? bite me.

i'm on drugs (again)

after more than four years, but less than nine years, i am on drugs again. an antidepressant, specifically Citalopram. (i included that link, as opposed to many others available, because it is my favorite source for information.)

i think i was first prescribed medication for depression nearly 20 years ago. my how time flies. i've lost track of what i've taken, and how long i took it. i remember the nuisance side effects. i remember spending three weeks in a psych ward while my shrink cranked up my dosage. i think at that time i was seeing three different doctors/therapists/counselors ... whatever ... it was bad, to the point i was hospitalized in a locked ward. after that, there was more therapy, and more drugs, and different doctors, and different drugs, and one that made me feel GREAT except that it sent my blood pressure sky-high, to the point they put me on something like Ritalin while i was coming off it. i moved out-of-state in late 1996, and don't recall finding a doctor, so i must've stopped taking medication. later, a counselor recommended a gyn-ob to put me on an antidepressant after a miscarriage. i followed through, but i don't remember for how long. i just know that when i was pregnant with Punkin i wasn't on anything.

so i got to the point (again) where i was willing to try medication (again).

so far, so good. not much nausea. i take it at night after dinner and fall asleep very soundly, pretty quickly. i yawn a lot during the day. but i feel better. not great, but better ... better enough that i'm afraid my blood pressure is sky-high again and they'll have to try something else.

and a month's supply is only four bucks. because i'm worth it.

my Clampett commute

last month, this is how i got the kids to school (day care) nine times. according to this somewhat user friendly website i saved 55 bucks and 94 lbs of emissions.

i drop the kids off at school and ride another half-mile to work. the trailer actually has some cargo space so i can take my purse and important bag of shit (brief case) with a change of clothes and shoes, and lunch, and a diet dew, and my calculator (see profile), and all the other pieces of paper, and post-its, and colored pens i find oh-so-important that i drag them around on a daily basis. this is particularly important because i am hauling around close to 90 lbs of kids, trailer, and cargo behind a 20-year-old Raleigh Technium (add another 37 lbs) ... so what's the difference if i'm drinking regular or diet?

el Jefe' and i did one test run to and from school the day of the photo. Peanut fell asleep although she did not look very comfortable. Peanut wears Punkin's old helmet ... yes, i'm being thrifty and probably compromising the safety of the elders' only granddaughter, but i have not been able to find a new replacement for someone under the age of three ... said hand-me-down helmet is pointed in the back because everyone knows toddlers need to be aerodynamic. the point interferes with leaning back, so she turns her head sideways (point toward her brother) which he finds a nuisance. fortunately my commute is not in sync with nap time, so the pointed helmet is not as bothersome (to both kids).

the first day of the official commute, i got three calls at work that Peanut had a mysterious rash: the first call was a courtesy call; the second call was a recommendation that i pick up some hydrocortisone cream; and the third call was to take her home for fear she was contagious. so i stop at the grocery store on the way to get her, buy some cream, go pick her up, and coincidentally Punkin is on his way to the lunch room. of course he wants to go home with me, too. so within the span of three hours, i hauled both kids to and from school, went to work for a brief time, and changed my clothes four times. fortunately, this has not deterred me.

i tried a new route today ... a lot less traffic, to the point of being downright lonesome ... even Punkin asked, "Where are all the people?" the jury is out on that one.

i've ridden when it's over 100 degrees (el Jefe' picked up the kids), with an air stagnation warning and threats of stage 2 air quality (lack thereof), and through wind and puddles ... and i'm still not sure why i am doing this. i am saving gas. technically, i haven't saved money ... i'll need to ride roundtrip another 23 times before the trailer has paid for itself. it is my only form of exercise. sometimes one kid or another enjoys it. i especially appreciate the solitude on the ride home when el Jefe' picks up the kids. but i'm not passionate about any aspect of this.

i'm dreading the thought of buying some cycling clothes for fall and winter (i was born without the shopping gene, you know). but maybe my kids will actually get some use out of their hand-me-down snow suits this year?

i'm back, because it is a homework assignment

i haven't posted in over six months. certainly i've had a lot to write about. i haven't had time. or i haven't made time. in retrospect, things aren't so bad except i feel so bad. i'm sad. i'm depressed. i'm frustrated. i'm irritable. i'm angry. the sum of which make me a pleasure to be around, i'm sure.

i saw a shrink today. el Jefe' accompanied me. i probably should've gone alone, but i certainly appreciated his support.

i beat myself up. i hate myself; i hate my life. but i didn't ask for help, or seek out help, to help myself. i did it to stop the deterioration i see in punkin.

i want him to be happy. i want him to be creative. but most of all, i want him to have some self esteem. in my current funk, i have become my parents. i am strict. i am hard on him. i expect too much of him (jesus, he's only three years old). i do a lot of yelling. i am physically forceful. i say "no" more times than not (so much so, that peanut understood the meaning of the word before she turned one). and i am not proud of this behavior, or the affect it is having on my son.

what you missed the past couple months

Well, it’s my Third Annual Holiday letter, and the way the year has flown and all the opportunities (marketing-speak for challenges) we’ve faced this year, it didn’t look like we were going to accomplish No. 3. Hopefully you get this before 2008.

January: A very special little boy had his second birthday. We celebrated Punkin’s birthday a little early with my folks, Punkin’s Godmother and her daughter joining our Elmo-themed birthday party. i made another carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and Punkin tried to blow out all two candles. i spent a couple days in Walnut Creek, CA for a Quality Audit; meanwhile, El Jefe was offered and accepted his promotion to Assistant Construction Engineer. That one statement pretty much commenced the perfect storm of 2007. i ended the month with travel to Scottsdale, AZ for the West Region Quality Summit.

February: El Jefe officially started in his new position a week after the offer. His job is based out of headquarters in Carson City, but he is also in charge of all the construction projects in Southern Nevada. We anticipated three trips a month to Las Vegas. None of my doctors could refer a Northern Nevada colleague, so she and Punkin opted to stay in Henderson until after Peanut was born. On Super Bowl weekend, we all flew to Reno to look for a place for El Jefe to hang his hat. We looked at a few apartments that would take dogs in anticipation for the whole family to move and toured day cares to get both Punkin and Peanut on waiting lists (anticipated start date: mid-July). Punkin graduated from his crib to a big-boy bed. Laura (or Lola as Punkin calls her) babysat as we went to our friend Don’s 40th birthday party at the Stratosphere. It was close enough to our ninth wedding anniversary that we opted against another celebration (it was one heckuva party!). Within a matter of days, we officially put our house in Henderson on the real estate market and i, El Jefe, and Punkin rode-tripped to San Diego, CA for year two of my participation in the Pathfinders Awards of Excellence Program within my employer (as a National Committee member, not a recipient). El Jefe and Punkin got to visit El Jefe’s cousin and Punkin’s Godfather who live in San Diego while i was doing my work thing. It was an action-packed weekend. We arrived home from San Diego, El Jefe picked up a U-Haul, loaded it, and drove 470 miles up to Reno on Sunday.

March: i became a part-time single mother while working full-time as El Jefe spent most of the week in Northern Nevada. i spent the prenatal insomnia hours keeping the house picked up for prospective buyers (we had a lot of traffic averaging atleast two showings a week) and cleaning carpets as both Abby and Jenny weren’t feeling so well. Punkin had many sad nights because he missed his Daddy; we all were grateful for the weekends to come so we could be together. El Jefe bought an ice-scraper out of necessity for the first time in 10 years. i had a birthday and was faced with the reality of being a mom to a two-year-old and an infant at age 42. At the end of the month, we all spent the weekend at El Jefe’s apartment in Reno to look at houses with our realtor, Linda for half-days on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Punkin got to see where El Jefe works; he got a balloon from the security guard and got to pet a puppy, so work was deemed a pretty great place.

April: In addition to weekends, El Jefe spent a couple days at home in Henderson for the Nevada Streets and Highways conference. It was memorable as the time a prospective buyer almost fell down the stairs and another group got to witness Swedish meat paste (supposed to be meatballs, but the turkey was ground a little too fine). We colored Easter eggs this year with a kit that had aged nine years (from the first Easter the step was supposed to spend with us). Punkin and i spent another weekend in Reno with El Jefe looking at houses. El Jefe had a birthday, too.

May: We started the month with our annual participation in Race for the Cure. This was Punkin’s third year, and he most enjoyed the popsicle he got during the 5K walk. El Jefe was based out of Las Vegas this month, making only day trips to Carson City in anticipation of Peanut’s arrival. Although the Jet Ski’s were for sale, that didn’t stop us from making a couple last trips to Lake Mead (with me as big as a house). Despite the doctor appointments twice a week, Peanut was not showing any signs of entering into the world early, or on time for that matter. i was admitted for induction on May 29th. 21 hours later, on May 30th at 6:07 pm i became Franken-mommy and Peanut officially joined our family.

June: The step finished her junior year at Arch-Bishop Spalding High School in Maryland and celebrated her 17th birthday. Unfortunately, we did not get to see her at all this summer due to the chaos of our relocation. My folks joined us for Punkin’s Big Brother party and Peanut went to her first company picnic. We sold our Jet Ski’s because of environmental restrictions at the larger lakes in Northern Nevada (truly, the end of an era). Our friends from work and play threw us a Baby Shower/belated Volleyball Championship Season/Going Away party. The middle and her family from Los Angeles visited to meet their newest niece.

July: We said goodbye to Abby, our 15-year-old Doberman mix. El Jefe’s mom visited for three weeks to help us move. She packed and unpacked boxes, and helped us clean, and provided a loving third set of hands to hold Peanut while we all were otherwise occupied. El Jefe flew up to Reno on a solo trip to hump the contents of his one bedroom apartment across the parking lot to our two bedroom apartment. Punkin ended his term at La Petite in Las Vegas and started at Kindercare in Reno (he was still fifth on the waiting list at Kids R Kids). In a Jeep Cherokee and a VW Jetta, we three adults, two kids and a dog endured the 8-hour trip to Reno (which took us 12 hours). Missing from the photo (and from the delivery) are the spice box and a wardrobe box from Punkin’s bedroom, including a calendar of milestones of great sentimental value. The former didn’t matter much as our kitchen was probably less the 50 sq ft; the latter just added extra hardship in composing this letter.

August: Peanut was off the growth charts (attack of the 50-ft woman) at her 2-month well-check with our new pediatrician, whose office is located in an old house. She experienced her first airplane ride when we returned to Las Vegas for a retirement party for El Jefe’s former assistant, and even rolled over while we were staying at my parents’ home in Henderson. Peanut started day care at Kids R Kids (two kids, two day cares, six miles apart), and i went back to work for HDR full-time. i officially transferred to the Reno office, but was temporarily located in a construction office (real office, not a trailer) because they had no space for me. El Jefe made seven trips to Las Vegas for work this month. Six months on the market, two price reductions, and good traffic and we still hadn’t even gotten an insulting offer on our house in Henderson. Despite that fact, we resumed our quest to find a house in Northern Nevada with our realtor, Linda.

September: We all went to the hot-air balloon races, one of several annual September events in Reno. Punkin entered his third school (day care) in three months as FINALLY a spot opened up at Kids R Kids. Nonna and Paw Paw (my parents) came for a long weekend visit; we all road the train in Virginia City, and Punkin went to his first movie at the Planetarium (“The Secret of the Cardboard Rocket”). El Jefe only made five trips to Las Vegas this month, and was offered his old position as a Resident Engineer in District 1 (Las Vegas). i refused to discuss it. We opted to dual-list our house in Henderson for sale and for rent, and were able to find a tenant to sign a one-year-lease that just about covers our expenses.

October: Once we got the Henderson home rented, we found out our tenants in our Hawaiian home opted not to renew their lease (bummer). Fortunately our property manager lined up new tenants in a matter of weeks (phew). i was supposed to attend a Pathfinders meeting in Omaha, but only made it as far as Denver when her flight got cancelled (thanks, United) and had to spend the night. i did a day trip to Las Vegas on Southwest the following week without incident. El Jefe made seven trips to Las Vegas this month for work. In the midst of it all, we joined all of my family at Zion National Park to celebrate my parents’ 50th Anniversary. Punkin caught his first fish (so big, he ran for the hills!) and had a blast trying to keep up with his older cousins from Los Angeles and Atlanta. We started a new tradition with all four of us participating in the Northern Nevada Race for the Cure 5K walk. And we continued to look at houses, many of which Punkin would characterize with one question: “What’s this house smell like?” or “Where’s the back yard?” We ended up buying a new home that we didn’t consider seriously until they dropped the price $60,000 and it ended up being $100,000 less than anything else we were looking at. Peanut was a bumble bee for Halloween, and Punkin was Mr. Incredible (or Mr. Credible, as he calls him.)

November: Peanut had her first experience with rice cereal (a bowl full of mush) and learned to sit up alone (which has become her favorite position). i finally moved from the construction office to the newly expanded main office, and started my transportation empire with two employees (female, i might add). Punkin started wearing underwear, which he proudly displayed to all his classmates (El Jefe said it’s a rite of passage). Despite a couple accidents, Punkin was officially potty-trained and even learned to pee like the big boys! El Jefe did two over-night and three day trips to Las Vegas for work. And over a period of several days, we gladly vacated the confining quarters of our two-bedroom apartment and moved into our new house. It started with a U-haul and the help of two of El Jefe’s co-workers, Jeff and Steve, and Steve’s 5-year-old stepson Michael who provided a constant source of entertainment for Punkin (the adults were entertained with a case of Fosters). We survived with a cooler as a refrigerator for three days, with Grandma from Wisconsin providing another set of helping hands for well over a week. Sadly, the spice box and Punkin’s calendar never made it. Nonna and Paw Paw came from Las Vegas, so we had a full table with all the trimmings for Thanksgiving dinner; even Peanut got to partake in the yams. El Jefe and I endured a five-hour marathon at Bed Bath and Beyond, which eventually resulted in all the window coverings for our new home and an impressive receipt that was roughly seven feet long. Peanut got her first tooth.

December: Punkin attended Samantha’s (an older woman’s) birthday party at Jump Man Jump (where even the adults can join in the fun … a wonderful alternative to Chuck-E-Cheese). The step got accepted to Georgia Tech’s aerospace engineering program and Penn State’s college of engineering. Punkin is showing the same logical, obsessive, somewhat linear tendencies of an engineer which horrifies me … there’s still hope that Peanut will be a pharmacist or rock star as long as we take away her favorite geometric rattle. We awoke one morning to four inches of snow (perfect for snow balls), which Punkin insisted on shoveling once he had his very own shovel. Peanut had her first and second baby-sitting experiences (with Punkin, of course) as Punkin’s teacher held down the fort while El Jefe and I attended Christmas parties for work. i relished the time that i could eat with both hands. El Jefe made three days trips and an over-night to Las Vegas and qualified for a companion pass on Southwest (that’s supposed to be a good thing, right?). And we’re headed to Wisconsin via Chicago-Midway (on Southwest, of course) for Christmas, where the rest of El Jefe’s family will get to meet Peanut for the first time.

With that, it’s time for a Foster’s. i send you all my wishes for a prosperous new year.

giving up

it has been weeks since i last posted. i've been busy ... and i didn't know that i had access at work, but that's another story.

on Monday, el jefe' dropped a bombshell on me. there are two openings for his previous position down South. the position he was promoted from. the position he vacated in February.

he left the door open.

you can go back and follow the turmoil, trials, and tribulations of his promotion, and our subsequent move ... dealing with the uncertainty of a new baby, putting our house on the market, being a single parent for months, packing, the subsequent move, and my transfer. our house in the South is STILL on the market, and concurrently available for rent. i've been back to work full-time for a month, and Peanut has been in day care a month, and we just finally moved Punkin to the same daycare as Peanut. i'm in a temporary office, although it looks as though i'll move to a conference room in the "permanent" office.

it should be getting better, but it feels worse.

i feel like i don't know my husband, the man i've been married to nearly 10 years. that he was even remotely unsatisfied enough that he would consider a demotion. that he would even consider moving our family all over again. that all the stress and exhaustion i have endured apparently aren't enough.

he offsets my pessimism, my worries, my insecurities. in one fell swoop, these all came back. it feels as though he's giving up. and maybe i should, too.

northern nevada fashion tip

camouflage goes with everything.

too bad i don't shop here: http://www.thecamoshop.com/index.html