why now?

I am currently on a Leave of Absence from work.

It started July 27th at the request of my employer. I made a concerted effort in the past 7 months to ask for help in my job with my responsibilities. I was managing all the roadway design projects in Nevada (plus one in California). During May, June, and early July, we consistently faced multiple deadlines weekly, sometimes two in the same day. We were successful. I saw my primary care physician July 2 and she suggested a new medication (Clonidine to lower blood pressure) and a more frequest dose of Seroquel, in addition to the Celexa I take at night. I had a panic attack that weekend, the first that I can remember, but I kept giving the medication(s) a chance. I had a client basically tell me I wasn't doing my job to my face July 7. I asked my boss that the situation be addressed. Same client sent an email with similar allegations July 23. I asked that all further communications go through my boss and my group leader, essentially removing myself from project communications. My employer questioned my professional judgment and asked me to take leave.

That was enough to push me to get the help I need.
My primary physician referred me to a Behavioral Health Program for assessment as well as medication management by a psychiatrist.
We are working through the insurance hoops.
I just finished my third week of 5 weeks of an intensive outpatient treatment program. For 5 days a week, I'm there from 9 am to noon. We have an hour instruction on lifeskills, and almost two hours of group therapy. In addition, I see a case worker once a week and a psychiatrist once a week. I've all ready had a couple med changes; no more Clonidine, upped my dose of Celexa, we replaced Seroquel with Vistaril, and we are working on that dosage. We also added Mirtazapine, which I don't think does squat.

I have a major depressive disorder (severe) and anxiety disorder. The depression is familiar as I have been battling that for a good 30 years. The anxiety disorder is new. I've learned that stress elevates levels of Dopamine. My work stress has been removed (mostly), but I'm stuck. My glass is still half full, so any additional stress still puts me over the the brim. So I can be very irritable, shakey, confused.

Another new emotion I am feeling is anger. I learned that anger is defined by violated expectations, and woo boy, do I have a list!

I've told Punkin and Peanut that I'm going to school for my head.
I've told Paw Paw I've entered this program. He calls what I am going through as "some psychiatric episode".

Like I said, it is not new, but it is different. It is disappointing to succumb, again.
I want to know the physical aspects ... like what chemical(s) am i missing? (I was told I could get a brain scan in California ... not really an option financially as insurance isn't covering some of my treatment).
And my greatest fear remains that I have passed this down to Punkin and Peanut.

One of the rules in group is not to give advice, so I ask that you please respect that. "This works for me."
I don't want pity, and I don't want pressure.
I know things will change.

I have filed for short-term disability, and leave under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA).

It helps me to write about it.