just psoup

Thank You, Mike O'Callaghan and Pat Tillman

2010-10-21T00:36:00.000-07:00

i was a part of history last week.

Others have documented it more accurately, dramatically, eloquently, and beautifully than i.

The project website is here:

http://www.hooverdambypass.org/

Search "O'Callaghan-Tillman Bridge" at http:///www.lvrj.com/

or "Hoover Dam Bypass" at http://www.azcentral.com/

My journey began in 1998. i interviewed in Phoenix for the job i took as a design engineer in the South. In Phoenix, i met with a very passionate man that had the conviction, enthusiasm, belief, and willpower that this firm, our firm, would lead the project in the shadows of one of the Seven Civil Engineering Wonders of the World.

For three years, i watched the positioning, the politics, and marketing that was completely foreign to me. Sometime during that three years, i became a part of the pursuit for the Hoover Dam Bypass Project.

i took a back seat, yet was honored to be consider a part of this team. i bought two suits for the interview in Denver, where all i did was sit in one of the two rows of twenty and stand at the appropriate time. i was part of the Hoover Support Team, or HST, which craftily was the acronym for the three lead design firms: HDR Engineering, Sverdrup Civil, and TY Lin International. Sverdrup got bought out by Jacobs, but that was after the project was awarded.

i remember spending Mother's Day in the office, grinding design alternatives into earthwork and fighting with a crude aerial photo to come up with something of presentation quality for a second interview. Within days, the HST was selected.
i emailed el Jefe': We won Hoover.
His reply: Holy Shit.

That second week of September, 2001, was spent in GEOPAK training, the roadway design software program of choice of our client, FHWA Central Federal Lands Division. i woke up Tuesday morning to CNN, watching in utter surreal confusion after the first plane hit the Twin Towers. i saw the second impact on television, and then i went to training. We looked to the skies at every break, wondering when this act of terrorism would reach Pacific time zone.

We tried to stay focused. We tried to limit emails and news searches. Our trainer suggested restaurants for lunch where we could watch television (i have a very vivid memory of Chili's, following the disjointed path of Air Force One around the country). Only a couple of us, maybe two, were locals to the South, so travel arrangements for the remainder of our class were chaotic in an effort to get them home by auto.

i lead the development of alternatives on the Nevada side (aka Nevada Approach, starting at the Hacienda Hotel and Casino, and spanning all the way through the Hoover Dam Bridge, or Colorado River Crossing, into Arizona). We assembled a team of engineers and designers from Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Nebraska, Nevada and Texas who were skilled in the software of choice. This team worked day and night, in the South and remotely, to design and display over twenty alternatives. Again, i have a vivid memory of pulling an all-nighter, going home to change my clothes (no time for a shower), to run straight to the airport to fly with my boss and our client to a meeting with Nevada DOT in Carson City to present our alternatives. The only thing that kept me awake on the plane was the company and the turbulence. Somehow i ended up driving the rental car the roughly 30 miles from Carson to Reno Tahoe International Airport, and the only portion of that trip i recall is almost missing the airport exit. Frightening. That also may have been the same trip my cigar cutter was confiscated by security, but that is another story.

i was supposed to be the Nevada Approach Delivery Manager. Somewhere along the line i was demoted? reassigned? Whatever the term, i became a pariah within my office. Lines were drawn, sides were taken, yet i continued. i ended up solely responsible for Volume II of the Nevada Approach, which consisted of over 300 sheets of cross sections. i was also intimately involved in each project's Special Provisions, including the Arizona Approach, the Nevada Approach, and the roadway portions of the Colorado River Bridge.

i had back surgery in November 2003.
i had a baby, Punkin, in January 2005.
i had another baby, Peanut, in May 2007.
And i moved North in July 2007.

i believe it is safe to say i have worked on this project in some way, shape, or form, for over nine years.

Some tasks were large and all consuming: alternative development, earthwork, cross sections, digital terrain model development when blasting had gone awry, drainage and incorporating cross roads and trails and the pedestrian plaza. Some tasks were small: coordinating guardrail post locations with the Colorado River Bridge Abutment 1; accommodating drainage at the sidewalk termination in Arizona, generating contours for an independent superelevation transition on the Colorado River Bridge sidewalk, and determining profile implications due to camber at Day 0 (opening) versus Day 3,000 (ten years later).

i was invited to participate in the Dedication ceremony on October 14th. One of 300 engineers and 1,200 trade workers and craftsmen, and all of their families. Paw Paw, el Jefe', Punkin, and Peanut accompanied me. Paw Paw still calls it "Mommy's Bridge". i got to share the fruits of my labor over the past nine years with my family. Tiny insignificant elements of the bridge that i am proud of. The double-decker bus drove the entire bypass alignment, from the Hacienda Hotel and Casino to the Arizona Interchange. Major roadway design, through extremely challenging, virgin terrain that i am proud of.

As i walked across that 1,900 ft bridge on Thursday, i met friends and colleagues and coworkers that respect me. Wow, that's all i have to say about that. Wow. (reference to Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse.) i stood among a thousand or so 900 ft above Hoover Dam. Wow. i went to an HST celebration that night at the Stardust Suite on the 21st floor of the Orleans Hotel and Casino. Wow. The friends and colleagues and coworkers that respect me, that i did not see at the Dedication Ceremony, were in attendance. Drinks. Hugs. Respect. i cannot describe the joy, fulfillment, pride, and happiness that i felt. Wow. And it felt good.

i volunteered on Saturday for the public celebration. 14, 15, or 16,000 people were expected to attend. i spent a couple hours in the Kids Zone, applying Bridging America temporary tattoos to young and old alike. To see the awe and enthusiasm from the fruits of my labors? Indescribable.

Mike O'Callaghan and Pat Tillman died in 2004. In very separate and distinct ways, they served our States, and our Country, with courage, humility, and sacrifice. To participate in a celebration in their honor, and to share this journey with a wonderful, talented, World Class group just downstream of Hoover Dam, is the experience of a lifetime for this Civil Engineer.

i have a plan

2010-10-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

in the wee hours of Friday morning, despite talking my bedtime meds, i spent 3 hours on my mental homework. i completed my recovery/discharge plan, and my plan for triggers (you know, those wonderful events like holidays and similar situations where you just want to hide under a blanket and not face the day), and my weekly schedule. My weekly schedule is full from 8 am to 10 pm, and includes some sort of self care each day. i had to laugh ... my life does not have much time for me, and taking a poop or a handful of pills just doesn't count.

7 am: 1 Vistaril, 2 Wellbutrin
1 pm: 1 Vistaril, 2 Wellbutrin
bedtime: Multivitamin, D3, 1 1/2 Celexa, 2 Restoril, 1 Melatonin

and the saddest part of it all is that pharmaceutical cocktail is just to make me feel normal, a word i hate, but normal for me.

i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to be a mother.
i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to be in the work force.
i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to be raised in a dysfunctional family.
i don't have to tell anyone how hard it is to have an elderly parent.

so i take a baker's dozen of pills.
i see a shrink biweekly.
i attend group weekly.
i see a therapist weekly.
i attend atleast one 12-step meeting weekly.
i see another psychologist biweekly.

and i try to raise two kids, maintain a job in a toxic work environment, deal with my childhood deamons, guide my father through the inevitable end of his journey, and let my husband know how grateful i am that he is in my life.

i have a plan.
it starts at 8 am and ends at 10 pm and includes all 7 days a week.
some elements i resist just because they are scheduled. they feel like "should's" or "have to's".
on paper, in black and white, it certainly mirrors the lack of enjoyment i feel daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly.
i felt gulity that i had to schedule time to talk to my husband. i felt guilty that it was at the end of the day, when we are both so exhausted we're close to passing out. one of us normally does just that.

so the intent is there, but will i follow the schedule, the plan?

just like the pharmaceutical motherlode, i have to follow the plan just to feel normal, again, normal for me.
it is hard for me to say i choose to follow the plan. that is a skill i have yet to learn.

i certainly did not choose to feel this way.

breakthrough!

2010-09-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

The "Laundry List" - Tony A., 1978

We become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by the weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving of giving in to others.

We became addicted to excitement.

We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."

We have "stuffed our feelings from our traumatic chilhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).

We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotional for us.

Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the chariteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

So i identify with seven of these: 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 10, and 11.

HALF of the list, without growing up in an alcoholic household.

My breakthrough was realizing No. 12 applied to me.

i was texting a good friend and she asked why i stay in a job that makes me so miserable (see My Profile). i have been with my current employer 12 miserable years as well. My response was:

"I do it b/c i have no self esteem. It is like staying in a relationship with an alcoholic or a wife- beater." and then it hit me.

El Jefe' got it instantly, before the words came out of my mouth.

12 years with this employer. 7 with my previous employer.
i keep trying over and over and over, and the result is the same or worse.
That is the definition of insanity by the way.

It was just a revelation, not a plan for an exit strategy, but it was truly enlightening.
i feel relief.

i'm not done yet

2010-09-19T07:23:00.000-07:00

Five full weeks, Monday through Friday.

Three part time weeks; working two days, and program the remainder.

I had thought i was ready to return to work part time. The plan was to do it slowly, adding an additional work day each week.

That was not the case.

Last Wednesday, i realized i had only completed one of my treatment goals. i can identify my feelings. Christ, i'm 45 years old and i am just learning that skill.

When i am positively medicated (my term for day time meds ... Vistaril and now Wellbutrin), my mind races, looking for that hidden lurking feeling. It finds sad a lot. It finds anger, and sometimes at the bottom of the precipice it finds scared.

It doesn't find happy, because i've forgotten what happy is and what makes me happy.

i can describe happy as feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudless day, when the sky is as blue as carribean waters.

i can describe happy as warm liquid caramel in the perfect ratio with milk chocolate just before it starts to melt in your mouth.

i can describe happy as a song that tickles your soul into forgetting who you are, how you feel, and cause you to drop your inhibitions and skip and dance and twirl.

i can describe happy as a bunch of perfect Pepto Bismol-colored pink tulips with their sturdy monochrome stems trimmed the same length and each leaf providing a contrasting highlight of the smoothness of the petals and stems.

But i can't find happy because i don't know what makes me happy.

i bought an ipod touch and i am working on finding some joy through music.

i savor every time punkin or peanut says, "I love you," or the moments they hold my hand.

i realized i lost myself.

why now?

2010-08-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

I am currently on a Leave of Absence from work.

It started July 27th at the request of my employer. I made a concerted effort in the past 7 months to ask for help in my job with my responsibilities. I was managing all the roadway design projects in Nevada (plus one in California). During May, June, and early July, we consistently faced multiple deadlines weekly, sometimes two in the same day. We were successful. I saw my primary care physician July 2 and she suggested a new medication (Clonidine to lower blood pressure) and a more frequest dose of Seroquel, in addition to the Celexa I take at night. I had a panic attack that weekend, the first that I can remember, but I kept giving the medication(s) a chance. I had a client basically tell me I wasn't doing my job to my face July 7. I asked my boss that the situation be addressed. Same client sent an email with similar allegations July 23. I asked that all further communications go through my boss and my group leader, essentially removing myself from project communications. My employer questioned my professional judgment and asked me to take leave.

That was enough to push me to get the help I need.
My primary physician referred me to a Behavioral Health Program for assessment as well as medication management by a psychiatrist.
We are working through the insurance hoops.
I just finished my third week of 5 weeks of an intensive outpatient treatment program. For 5 days a week, I'm there from 9 am to noon. We have an hour instruction on lifeskills, and almost two hours of group therapy. In addition, I see a case worker once a week and a psychiatrist once a week. I've all ready had a couple med changes; no more Clonidine, upped my dose of Celexa, we replaced Seroquel with Vistaril, and we are working on that dosage. We also added Mirtazapine, which I don't think does squat.

I have a major depressive disorder (severe) and anxiety disorder. The depression is familiar as I have been battling that for a good 30 years. The anxiety disorder is new. I've learned that stress elevates levels of Dopamine. My work stress has been removed (mostly), but I'm stuck. My glass is still half full, so any additional stress still puts me over the the brim. So I can be very irritable, shakey, confused.

Another new emotion I am feeling is anger. I learned that anger is defined by violated expectations, and woo boy, do I have a list!

I've told Punkin and Peanut that I'm going to school for my head.
I've told Paw Paw I've entered this program. He calls what I am going through as "some psychiatric episode".

Like I said, it is not new, but it is different. It is disappointing to succumb, again.
I want to know the physical aspects ... like what chemical(s) am i missing? (I was told I could get a brain scan in California ... not really an option financially as insurance isn't covering some of my treatment).
And my greatest fear remains that I have passed this down to Punkin and Peanut.

One of the rules in group is not to give advice, so I ask that you please respect that. "This works for me."
I don't want pity, and I don't want pressure.
I know things will change.

I have filed for short-term disability, and leave under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA).

It helps me to write about it.

what you missed in '09

2010-08-12T18:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s our Fifth Annual Holiday letter, and we just started composing it New Year’s Day (2010). As we had to file for an extension on our 2008 income taxes, we are asking for the same grace period from you.

January: The New Year began with well-checks for the kids (who are growing like weeds and blessedly well). El Jefe made four day trips to Las Vegas and one overnighter, and i had one overnighter, and somehow at least one of us was home with the kids while we worked weekends, too … but chaos is bound to happen as the photo shows. We went to Red Robin for Punkin’s fourth birthday, same as last year. Punkin’s former teacher, Ms. R, babysat when El Jefe and i went to the heartbreaking funeral for the husband of our friend and El Jefe’s coworker. Peanut got her lower right canine tooth. We think she has all her baby teeth by now, but apparently that is the last one we kept track of. Yes sang with the Naval Academy Glee Club at the Inaugural Celebration “We Are One” … an experience of a lifetime, but only her uncle was able to identify her on the stage as we all assumed she would be in the front row due to her height. And finally Punkin got to be the Birthday Star at Chuck E. Cheese. Fortunately the parent/child ratio was extremely high as we lost Peanut on more than one occasion.

February: The month started with John’s, Punkin’s classmate, birthday party at Ballocity, where parents and kids alike climb and slide and pelt each other with very soft spongy balls via cannon, machine gun, etc. El Jefe gave an inordinate number of presentations at Nevada Department of Transportation’s (NDOT’s) Resident Engineer (RE) Academy, including three in one day. He made three day trips to Las Vegas and one overnighter, i had one overnighter, and on that occasion we nearly passed each other in the airport to hand off the kids. We celebrated our eleventh anniversary with a wonderful dinner at the Rapscallion Seafood House, same as last year, while Ms. R held down the fort with the kids. We definitely proved that the cost of living has increased by ordering the exact same meal and drinks for $20.00 more (approximately a 20% increase for you analyticals). Peanut pee’d on the potty for the first time, and my dad, Paw Paw, came for a long weekend visit at the end of the month.

March: Paw Paw left early in the month, but within ten days El Jefe’s mom, Grandma, visited us from Wisconsin via San Diego. We all went to the Wilbur D. May museum here in Reno, which in addition to some great kids exhibits features an unbelievable collection of dead animals (far beyond lions and tigers and bears, oh my!). El Jefe made five day trips to Las Vegas and i had one two-nighter. We all went to the Shrine Circus where the kids found the clowns kind of scary, but the cotton candy terrific. Peanut roared at the tigers, Punkin was fired up by the motorcycles in the “sphere of death”, and Pam and El Jefe enjoyed the best Budweiser EVER. i turned forty-four without taking a break, realizing i have spent half of my life as an engineer and half of my career with one company.

April: El Jefe did one two-nighter and four day trips to Las Vegas this month. Peanut pooped in the potty! Punkin started sleeping in underwear! By this point, i was averaging one day off a month (including Saturdays and Sundays), so i jumped at the chance to spend a couple nights in Mesquite for the Nevada Chapter of the American Association of Public Works (APWA) Spring Conference, even if she had to give a presentation (“Q is for Quality”). It is no surprise in my frame of mind i lost her bifocals. We filed for that extension on our 2008 income taxes, and Punkin and Peanut helped me make Sponge Bob and Patrick cupcakes (Punkin’s idea) for El Jefe’s forty-eighth birthday.

May: Punkin read “Big and Little” to Peanut, and two days later both kids played sick to stay home from day care. It’s official; they are starting to gang up on us. Peanut’s tricycle was stolen allegedly by some hoodlum kids. El Jefe only made one day trip to Las Vegas this month, but we made up for it with an eight-day Midwestern journey to scatter Nonna’s (my mom’s) ashes. We all flew into Louisville, KY, and drove the next day to meet Paw Paw in Evansville, IN. We went to Nonna’s hometown of Vincennes, IN, and also saw the early sprouts in my Aunt Pat’s infamous garden. She is the one who instructed me in the art of canning tomatoes. From there we caravanned with Paw Paw through pouring rain (a novelty for our kids) to Gibson City, IL, home of my Aunt Gayle and Uncle Doug. Punkin and Peanut most enjoyed playing in the basement (also a novelty for our kids). Uncle Doug gave us all a tour of Foster’s Woods, home of his tale of “The Little People”, which he was encouraged to tell no less than seven times in two days. We split off from Paw Paw and continued north to Arena, WI, to visit with Grandma and Grandpa Paul, El Jefe’s aunt and uncle and cousin. We went on a horse-drawn wagon ride, toured a reconstructed blacksmith shop, and visited with El Jefe’s cousin, who had spent the day with his sister planting literally pallets of tomato and pepper plants. We squeezed in a day with El Jefe’s dad and his family, who got some terrific snuggle time with Peanut. In the end, we drove south to fly home via Midway. We used all that inspiration to plant our own little garden (10 ft x 10 ft), a rare but typical home improvement involving multiple trips to Home Depot for irrigation system parts. Paw Paw made his way back to the North, logging in over 7,500 miles, and Peanut got her first haircut. El Jefe and i went to a terrific retirement party barbeque for El Jefe’s boss, sans all the kids (including Paw Paw), as Ms. R once again held down the fort. And despite Paw Paw’s dog, Gabby, destroying the first effort at the cake, we all celebrated Peanut’s second birthday at our home in the North.

June: El Jefe did two two-nighters and one day trip to Las Vegas this month, while i went to Washington State for five days, participating as a Quality Auditor in our Bellevue and Burlington offices. Peanut said “I miss you” on the phone, and graduated to a big girl bed to discourage Punkin from pulling her out of her crib and onto her head. Yes turned nineteen. El Jefe was treated to Father’s Day gifts related to the ravenous birds in our backyard: binoculars, a bird book, and birdhouses crafted by Punkin and Peanut. El Jefe got the promotion to the Chief of Construction position at NDOT! We ate radishes out of our garden, and went to a backyard water party for Sophia’s (a former classmate of Peanut’s) second birthday. Punkin and her sister, Emily are best of friends … a budding romance at age four.

July: Yes did some time at sea as part of her second summer at the Naval Academy in Annapolis. Paw Paw came for visit, and we all stayed up past our bedtimes to enjoy 4th of July fireworks at Star Spangled Sparks. El Jefe made one overnighter and four day trips to Las Vegas, including one via Ely. i spent two nights in Denver, CO for Federal Program Management training, including a side trip to my Mecca, the New Belgium Brewery in Ft. Collins, CO. Punkin and Peanut started Saturday swimming lessons, and Peanut finally mastered riding her replacement tricycle (no parental push handle). We all went to the NDOT Family Summer Bash, followed the next day by Emily’s birthday party at Ballocity (busy social calendar, eh?). With a ton of help from friends and coworkers, i was able to pull off a surprise celebration for El Jefe’s promotion to Chief of Construction. i flew in over 20 pounds of brats and wieners from Wisconsin (Usinger’s), and arranged for a keg of Icky (Ichthyosaur Pale Ale, from local brewery Great Basin).

August: El Jefe and Punkin had some male bonding time at Logan’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. El Jefe represented Nevada at the American Association of State and Highway Transportation Official’s (AASHTO’s) Construction Conference in downtown Chicago, so i and the kids tagged along to goof off, only occasionally paying $20.00 a day for hotel internet. Grandma took the Van Gilder from Wisconsin to join us. Punkin and i participated in the Skyscraper Challenge at the Children’s Museum; Punkin and Peanut dressed up and slid like penguins at the Shedd Aquarium; the kids played in the fountains at Millenium Park; and Grandma and i struggled to figure out parking garage fees. We most enjoyed Wednesday night fireworks off Navy Pier (because we could walk from our hotel). At the conclusion of the conference, we all drove up to Arena, WI for El Jefe’s 30th River Valley High School class reunion. El Jefe made lots of promises to update his Facebook page. We celebrated his Dad’s birthday at their home in Belleville with a pool party, when Peanut was convinced she could swim alone (not really). El Jefe made two overnighters and one day trip to Las Vegas; i made a day trip, too. Paw Paw came up for a long weekend, highlighted by our company picnic at Zephyr Cove (Lake Tahoe), Punkin’s first of many rounds of mini golf at Magic Carpet, and we adopted Elsie, a feisty black and white medium hair cat who coincidentally carries the same name as my maternal grandmother. Our garden kicked into production mode (except for our pathetic sweet corn) and we started canning salsa and baking bread from our harvests. The month concluded with a visit to the Nevada State Fair, where Punkin got a $40.00 Nemo, Peanut turned green on the giant spinning strawberry ride, and we all were mesmerized by the Splash Dogs, who can leap nearly 20 feet from a dock into a tub of water.

September: El Jefe continued to carry the responsibilities of both the Assistant Chief and Chief of Construction jobs for the third month with one overnighter and two day trips to Las Vegas. We went to the Best of the West Rib Cook-Off (twice!) and amazingly filed our 2008 incomes taxes just after Labor Day. Ms. R babysat again while El Jefe and i went to a barbeque up at Lake Tahoe. We all went to the Great Reno Balloon Race, including the Glow Show, Dawn Patrol, mass ascension, pancake breakfast, and this year fifteen minutes in the bounce house and inflatables to make sure Punkin and Peanut were sufficiently exhausted. Obviously not, as Punkin successfully rode his bicycle without training wheels later that day. Paw Paw visited the following weekend, but we never made it to the Air Races. i attended the APWA Fall Conference up at Lake Tahoe, and Peanut pee’d on the potty three times at day care in one day!

October: For Peanut’s third and Punkin’s sixth time, we all participated in Race for the Cure, then the Walk for Juvenile Diabetes the following weekend. El Jefe had one overnight trip in Elko, NV, returned North via Las Vegas, and turned the reins over to one of his Assistant Chiefs. After nearly three years, we finally returned to Kauai, spending two weeks on the island with Paw Paw. Punkin and Peanut swam with water wings like little fish, both in the condo pool and the ocean where we got up close to a real tide pool and a couple green sea turtles. i got stung by a bee, Punkin took a header that required three band-aids, and Peanut got car sick. We all took a helicopter ride which Paw Paw deemed “uneventful”, and a sunset cruise when both Peanut and i got seasick (“eventful”?). We got the opportunity to see our house, and El Jefe and i independently considered chucking it all and staying on paradise, where the cruel irony is internet is free. Paw Paw stayed in Hawaii another three weeks while we returned home via LAX, spending 8 hours in the airport after a red-eye which just seemed like another three weeks. We arrived home in time for the kids to enjoy their Halloween Parties and a night of Trick-or-Treating.

November: Honestly El Jefe was sick most of the month and only made one day trip to Las Vegas, while i did one overnighter. i took Punkin and Peanut to play the 28-hole back course at Magic Carpet where Punkin got a hole-in-one, and i came home with Barney, a 13-week-old Border Collie/Lab mix. We went to a party for El Jefe’s new Assistant Chief; i took the kids to Tanisha’s third birthday party; and we all made a jet-set 24-hour trip to Las Vegas for our friend Mike’s surprise 40th birthday party. Three days later, we drove to Las Vegas with both dogs (Jenny and Barney) to spend Thanksgiving with Paw Paw (and Gabby) and my middle sister and her family. Besides an amazingly civilized Thanksgiving dinner, we all completely enjoyed a day at the Springs Preserve.

December: El Jefe had one day trip to Las Vegas and two nights for training in Sacramento, CA. Punkin and Peanut rode their bicycles the day before it snowed over a foot, the Tumblebus arrived with chains (for the wheels, not the kids), and we saw a herd of a dozen wild horses including three colts strolling down the street on our way to day care. Our social calendar was jam-packed with the NDOT Construction Christmas party in Gardnerville, a family Christmas party at the NDOT Deputy Director’s home, and my company’s Holiday party. Ms. R of course had the baby-sitting gigs! Paw Paw and Yes both arrived on the 22nd to spend Christmas with us; we had not seen Yes in a year and a half, and this was her first visit to the North. We had a very special visit from Santa Christmas Eve, played by my coworker, although Punkin was convinced he was El Jefe’s coworker Steve. “Santa Steve” delivered, so there were no complaints. Peanut had two days in Tinker Bell underwear but has since regressed. We all went ice skating at the Rink on the River, skiing at Mt. Rose (Peanut cried all three times down the bunny hill), and went to see “The Princess and The Frog” (Peanut’s first movie in a theater; mine and El Jefe’s first in 4½ years). My middle sister and her family came “over the hill” on Sunday and joined us for another day of skiing at Mt. Rose where Peanut made four more runs (without crying!), Punkin took his first chair lift ride and repeated the feat no less than six times, and my sister and i skied/snow-boarded together for the first time in over 25 years. All of our visitors left on the 30th and we closed 2009 by celebrating Eastern time zone New Year’s Eve with hot dogs and macaroni and cheese at home.

El Jefe takes one furlough day a month, i logged in over 500 unpaid hours (not including this letter), and through it all the most rewarding time is that we share with our family and dear friends. With that, it’s time for a Fat Tire. We send you all our love and wishes for a prosperous new decade.

what you missed in '08

2010-08-11T18:51:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s our Fourth Annual Holiday letter. The year has been filled with challenges, growth, and travel (mostly for work so don’t get your hopes up for a travelogue). And at this rate, this letter may be commemorating the President’s Day holiday.

January: Santa made a very special visit to our home in the North New Year’s Eve, as we were just returning from an extended week-long visit to Wisconsin. Along with all the other ridiculous amounts of loot, Santa brought Punkin a fire truck and Peanut a doll. Less than two weeks later, Punkin celebrated his third birthday at Red Robin. Each year his birthday seems closer and closer to Christmas. Here he is sporting two of his favorite gifts: his own umbrella (poor kid doesn’t realize we only get 7.5 inches of rain a year), and an annual registration for the Tumblebus. It’s an old school bus with some limited gymnastic equipment on-board that comes to day care once a week. The kids are all excited to wear their Tumblebus shirts … like a little gang of pre-schoolers. Peanut’s menu expanded to include carrots, pear, asparagus, potato, peas (yuck!), yogurt (yum!) and green beans, and with all that energy she finally crawled! El Jefe traveled once or twice a week to Las Vegas, and added a fun-filled overnight in Ely. i shoveled snow on the weekends with her helper, Punkin, as her only form of exercise.

February: Looking back, we only took 8 photos this month. El Jefe got the flu, and was so miserable he actually went to the doctor who told him, “Yep, you’ve got the flu.” It slowed him down to the point where he only made two trips to Las Vegas the entire month! We celebrated our tenth anniversary one day late (El Jefe was over-nighting in Las Vegas, but made up for it) with a wonderful dinner at the Rapscallion Seafood House while Punkin’s teacher Ms. R held down the fort with the kids. El Jefe’s mom came up for a visit, bum knee and all, while i went to Tucson, AZ for a couple days for my final year of participation in the Pathfinders Awards of Excellence Program (as a National Committee member, not a recipient). When i returned, i got the flu, too. It was debilitating, and thankfully neither of the kids got it. Punkin got a flu shot (“in his knee” as he tells the story) at his three year well-check. Our pediatrician was out of infant vaccine, but thankfully Peanut never succumbed. She showed Grandma that she could hold her own bottle and pulled herself up this month.

March: Grandma left early in the month, but inspired us to actually enjoy the trails surrounding our neighborhood with Peanut in the stroller and Punkin on a tricycle. El Jefe did two overnights and four day trips to Las Vegas this month. i did one day trip to present Pathfinder Awards to the Southern staff. Peanut ate peaches, broccoli, cauliflower, and mango, while she experienced hot dogs at school. i turned 43 on the day our (former) property manager started eviction processes on the tenant in our home in the South. After several starts at eviction in less than six months of being in our home, this one was final. i cried when i saw the inspection report. There were no holes in the walls, but the house had essentially become a three bedroom kennel. Peanut got her first shoes this month, and we were able to enjoy coloring eggs and an Easter egg hunt in our North home.

April: El Jefe did two overnights and seven day trips to Las Vegas this month. Punkin dressed himself, and Peanut gained five new teeth this month. Despite all the misery of so many new teeth, she was able to concentrate hard enough to learn to climb up the stairs. We all traveled to the South to check on the house, hire a new property manager, and spend a little time with my parents, Paw Paw and Nonna. On April 24th, we experienced our first earthquake. El Jefe was experienced from his days of living in California, but every time there was an earthquake in the South, we had been out of town. Two days later, El Jefe turned 47.

May: El Jefe did one overnight and five day trips to Las Vegas this month, while i did one overnight in Phoenix, AZ for the Quality Summit. After one day of practice, Punkin learned to ride his “big boy bike” (with training wheels) ... the bad part about our neighborhood trail system is there are lots of kids, including the ones who questioned why Punkin was on a tricycle. Talk about peer pressure. Both Punkin and Peanut “graduated” to the next room at day care (mind you, tuition is based on age, so there were no financial benefits). Punkin participated in the Hop-a-Thon for MDA, hopped 92 times in two minutes, and raised a total of $259.00. i and El Jefe opted for the “per hop” pledge … what were we thinking? Within an eight day period, El Jefe’s daughter Yes graduated from Arch-Bishop Spalding High School in Maryland and El Jefe’s daughter Peanut turned one year old. We all ventured out to Maryland, including El Jefe’s Dad and wife, and El Jefe’s Mom and husbandl, to celebrate Yes’s graduation and hang out with El Jefe’s brother, wife, and their daughter in Baltimore. Punkin’s quote of the month was, “The bone in your head is called a knuckle-head.” My parents, Paw Paw and Nonna, joined us in the North to celebrate Peanut’s first birthday. Peanut took her first steps to Paw Paw the day after. We got a new tenant in our home in the South just in time for Memorial Day.

June: El Jefe made five day trips to Las Vegas including one where he returned the rented hospital-grade pump (my ball and chain) on the State plane. He also did one over-nighter. i went to Southern California for four days, participating as a Quality Auditor in our Irvine and San Diego offices. Peanut walked alone, and we discovered she had an ear infection at her one-year well-check … we never knew as she is such a good sleeper. Appalled by the price of gas, i purchased a bicycle trailer to haul the kids to daycare (five miles one way) and another half-mile to my office. Like the January snow shoveling, it was my only form of exercise. At the end of the month, we all went to Punkin’s flip-flop buddy, Josie’s 3 ½ year birthday party at Jump Man Jump. Peanut was overwhelmed by sinking in the corral of balls, i got a floor burn on her elbow, El Jefe got one on his knee, and Punkin had a blast!

July: Yes started, and eventually survived Plebe Summer at the Naval Academy in Annapolis. We are so proud of her for being able to live without her cell phone and having 9 pm curfew (seriously, we are very proud of her). We landscaped our back yard the old fashioned way (we hired someone to do it) and our basic installation was complete by the 4th of July. We all stayed up past our bedtimes to enjoy fireworks at Star Spangled Sparks. We then continued our work in progress by planting a lilac bush and frequented Moana Nursery on the weekends as we vowed to do all the trees and bushes ourselves. The month featured some record-breaking poor air quality from the hundreds of fires in California, but i sucked it up (literally) and biked to work with the kids in tow a day or two a week. Punkin went to his first movie in the theater (Kung Fu Panda) as a field trip, and Ms. R babysat while Pam and El Jefe enjoyed dinner at a local brew pub (my only criteria for choice of restaurant was lack of a kid’s menu.) El Jefe made nine day trips to Las Vegas this month. Nonna and Paw Paw stopped in for a couple days on their way to Oregon. It was very special as we were all together to celebrate Nonna’s 73rd birthday at our home in the North.

August: Paw Paw and Nonna spent the weekend with us on their way back home from their Oregon timeshare adventure. Peanut got three molars this month. Just like her mom, she tends to grow teeth in bulk. El Jefe did an overnighter and four day trips to Las Vegas while i did two. Peanut had her first of four Parent and Me swimming lessons, so we all went to practice the next day at Sparks Marina. Swimming lessons are so popular that we could not get both kids into classes until October. Punkin started treatment for a Planter’s wart, which he called his Planet blister, consisting of DuoFilm and duct tape. We ended the month by attending the Best of the West Rib Cook-off. Just like her dad, Peanut loves beans!

September: It took fourteen months, but i finally realized i liked living in the North. We all went to the Great Reno Balloon Race, including the Glow Show and Dawn Patrol. This required getting the kids up at 4 am and layering sweatshirts over their pajamas. Once the sun came up, we watched the mass ascension as balloons filled the sky and enjoyed a pancake breakfast. Peanut fell asleep on the way to her swimming lesson. El Jefe did two over-nighters in Las Vegas and three day trips, while i spent nearly a week in our Folsom office for their Quality Audit. We had our first non-family visitor since we moved to Reno, our friend Cathy who we have known since the South, who was working in our North office and got stranded as hurricane Ike caused havoc to her home and family in the Houston area. Punkin painted his toenails (unsupervised) a lovely shade of pink, and we adopted Putty, a 1½ year-old medium-hair tabby from the Humane Society. She is an awesome cat, very social with all of our family, incredibly tolerant of the kids, and holds her own with our dog, Jenny.

October: Both Punkin and Peanut had Saturday swimming lessons this month. Since I am a Pisces, this is mandatory. We all participated in Race for the Cure; it was Peanut’s second and Punkin’s fifth events, which is amazing when you consider their ages are just 1½ and 3 at the time of this letter. The following weekend, we all participated in the Walk for Juvenile Diabetes. Peanut got her face painted, and Punkin most enjoyed the picnic lunch of Qdoba burritos after the walk. El Jefe had four day trips to Las Vegas and one overnighter, while i spent four days in Las Vegas for their Quality Audit. Amazingly enough, i also had a day trip to Las Vegas that wasn’t for work! i attended a baby shower for my friend Amy. The month was filled with all things Halloween, especially pumpkins and Jack-O-Lanterns. My parents, Paw Paw and Nonna, visited just in time for Halloween, and Nonna accompanied both Punkin and Peanut on their first adventure of Trick-or-Treating.

November: With Nonna and Paw Paw still visiting, we all enjoyed our first Nevada Day parade in Carson City, especially Paw Paw who stayed warm and dry in the car. The following day we all discovered the Animal Ark, a sanctuary just north of town for native and not so native wildlife including cheetahs, and tigers, and bears (oh my!). El Jefe made two day trips to Las Vegas, i had two overnighters in Las Vegas, and El Jefe made a day trip (looong day trip) to Elko. On Election Day, El Jefe encountered some black ice on his early morning commute to Carson City (not flying that day); crash-tested both the guardrail and concrete barrier rail, experienced air-bag deployments first-hand, and totaled his 2001 Jeep Cherokee. He was miraculously unscathed, and the only thing wounded was his pride. Four days later, we bought a Subaru Outback, so now we really look like Northerners. The next evening, we all had dinner at the home of John and Linda Narigon, North transplants from Iowa, and met with Sandra, Donna, Barb, Manu, what’s her name, and Tammy, totaling ten current or former engineers with the Iowa DOT. (Only Sandra’s kids have any hope at a different career path, as her husband is the only non-engineer among us). On the morning of November 17th, my mom, Nonna, died very suddenly and unexpectedly, having suffered two heart attacks in a few short hours. My middle sister and i flew to Las Vegas that afternoon. El Jefe, Punkin, and Peanut joined us the following day, making the drive from the North, while my eldest sister flew in from Atlanta. My dad, Paw Paw, is holding up remarkably well after losing the love of his life after 51 years of marriage. He gained 4 pounds in the short week we were there, so we know we at least supplied some comfort food. Paw Paw spent Thanksgiving in Los Angeles with my middle sister and her family. We had a quiet Thanksgiving, just the four of us, at our home in the North. Punkin finally got the pumpkin pie he has been talking about since October.

December: El Jefe had two day trips and an overnighter in Las Vegas, while i had three overnight trips to Las Vegas. We’ve stayed with Paw Paw, although he rarely sees us because we work such ridiculous hours. One trip, the only evidence of El Jefe was an empty Foster’s left in the kitchen. i had a bender with some of my co-workers, while El Jefe braved Applebee’s alone with both Punkin and Peanut. Ms. R babysat for my Christmas party, memorable as we actually stayed out (and awake) until 2 am. i was very proud of the fuzzy handcuffs i got as a white elephant gift; Punkin seems to be enjoying them, too. Peanut has transitioned to Suite 200, and because she is 18 months old, we finally got a tuition break! Ms. R babysat again for the NDOT Construction Christmas party, held at Nevada’s oldest hotel, the Gold Hill Hotel in Virginia City. For the first time since January 8, 2005, El Jefe and I spent an entire night alone together without the kids (Thank you, Ms. R!). We got a silver tip variety of Christmas tree (half price! because we waited until the 19th); it is very reminiscent of the ones El Jefe’s family would cut down in the woods in Wisconsin. For the first time ever, we were able to use a Christmas tree skirt Nonna had made because the trunk was narrow enough to fit through the hole. It is very sweet, featuring a teddy bear family of four. How did she know that is how our immediate family would be comprised? Paw Paw drove up North with his dog, Gabby, on the 21st; El Jefe took a week off because he was in a “use it or lose it” situation with his vacation time at work; and my middle sister and her family came over the hill on the 23rd so we could all spend Christmas together in our home here in the North. While i slaved away at work, everyone enjoyed a day of ice skating at the Rink on the River. Actually, Peanut was not too thrilled, completed only one lap, and then refused to allow her skates to be removed (she’s all about shoes, and ice skates are very special shoes!). Santa brought Punkin an electric train, but Punkin was most excited by the candy canes being hauled in one of the freight cars. We also discovered Peanut is a candy cane junkie (it must be genetic), and are looking for a toddler detox program for her habit. We had a beautiful Christmas snow, opened gifts from those near, and far, and even passed, and enjoyed the madness of five kids (one of which is 84 and doesn’t believe in Santa), four very hard-working adults, two dogs, and a cat. El Jefe and Punkin had a two-hour “Parent teach your child to ski” lesson at North Star, while my middle sister and her family snowboarded and skied in the best conditions the Sierras have seen in many, many years. Peanut accompanied me at work to complete a submittal due the 26th. Peanut left plenty of evidence of her day at work between goldfish and cheerios ground into the carpet, and a veritable rainbow of highlighters on every surface that was not covered by piles of papers. We all went sledding on Saturday, and i drove back to Las Vegas with Paw Paw and Gabby on Sunday for two days of work down South. New Year’s Eve was spent here in the North, in our home, and the four of us were asleep by 9 pm.

It has been a very trying year, with lots of travel, schedule juggling (i typically works Saturdays and El Jefe works Sundays), and the gamut of challenges we face at work due to the economic meltdown we are all experiencing. We are working harder than ever, and are so grateful to remain employed. But in the end, the greatest gift of all is the love we share with our dear friends and family.

With that, it’s time for a Foster’s. We send you all our love and wishes for a prosperous new year.

baby got some new shoes

2008-09-02T16:00:00.000-07:00

i put in a full day (my paying job, although i didn’t get paid) on Saturday. el Jefe’ went in on Sunday for about five hours, and worked from home for a couple hours on Monday. maybe he got some overtime; maybe not. who cares? this is how we relaxed and enjoyed our long weekend. ha. what’s wrong with this picture?

i had this huge sense of accomplishment by the time i left at 7 pm on Saturday. i finished three major tasks; collecting and uploading files, some of which were five years old, to hand off a design task to another office (something about us getting fired? moreso, the client does not want to work with us because we are tired of giving them everything for free); a major scope of work rewrite (couldn’t leave on “track changes” it was so bloody); and a complete fee proposal revision and restructuring (base + options, base, bask task 1, base task 2, base task 3, option 1, option 2, option 3, option 3A, option 3B). one diet dew, three diet cokes. it needed to be done, but really, does anyone care that i blew a day of a long weekend? would today or tomorrow or this week have been soon enough?

peanut had her third swimming lesson on Saturday.
we all went to the Best of the West Rib Cook-off on Sunday.
peanut and punkin got some new shoes on Monday.

i think the shoes were the highlight of my (not-so) long weekend.

P.S. and today i just noticed my ads are no longer about real estate or child care in the South. drugs. drugs. drugs.

quality of life (or lack thereof), part one

2008-08-26T23:32:00.000-07:00

thankfully, the olympics are over. now i can get some sleep.

Punkin is on his eighth day of treatment for removal of his planet blister. Peanut is getting her eleventh tooth (molar, lower left side). el Jefe' went into work Sunday morning, much to my dismay. i am making my second day trip in six days down South tomorrow, again, much to my dismay.

when el Jefe' accepted his promotion to the North nearly a year and a half ago, he was told his travel between North and South would be limited to three trips a month. that was a myth. he makes one trip at least once a week, typically two, and sometimes three days a week. he stays overnight at least once a month. i am not happy about his travel demands, especially because it is so much more than we bargained for. he gets on the State plane maybe once a week, so the frequent flyer trips are really adding up. he qualified for a companion pass last year, and there is no doubt in my mind he will qualify again for one again this year. we've used it once, and are accumulating "free" roundtrip tickets at a rate such that we both have ones that will expire and go unused. we don't have any vacation plans on the near horizon and we're too tired for a "weekend getaway" and with all this travel during the week, he has succumbed to putting in extra time on the weekends in an attempt to keep up with his normal workload, so we couldn't go anywhere anyway if we wanted to.

as i am making my second day trip in six days down South tomorrow, i understand why. even if you put in an eight-hour day and add the flying time as "over time" (completely unpaid in my case) and you throw in the airport waiting time out of the goodness of you heart, you end up behind. you kill more than a day. i don't care if you are on your cell phone the entire time, or you're on your laptop the entire time (within the acceptable limits allowed by FAA regulations, of course), you enter into this time warp that sucks the productivity out of your very soul.

speaking of sucking, that is how i feel about having a midwestern work ethic. if it is not apparent, el Jefe' has it, too. it takes away from our time together, the time with our kids, the time for play, and the time for relaxation (whatever that is).

it's not worth it.

my brave Punkin

2008-08-19T18:00:00.000-07:00

Punkin had a Planters wart removed today, or "planet blister" as he called it. we noticed it several weeks ago, before his weekly class theme was about planets and space, so i don't know where that connection in terminology came from. i convinced el Jefe' we should at least call the pediatrician before trying over-the-counter caustic chemicals on our three-year-old's foot, and i delegated this responsibility to el Jefe' because appointment scheduling can be such a pain in the ass. after Punkin reminded el Jefe' several times (nagging is much more acceptable from a three-year-old), the appointment was made.

this was only the second time Punkin has been to our Northern pediatrician. the first was for his three-year well-check, which normally does not require shots, but they just happened to have flu vaccines available. i asked Punkin if he wanted a flu shot, and much to my surprise he responded "sure." he got the shot in his leg without a single wimper or tear. he liked the stickers, but wasn't over-enthusiastic about them. he did equate going to the doctor with "getting a shot in your knee" but this was said matter-of-factly, completely without fear. when Peanut has had to go to the pediatrician for thrush or a viral rash, Punkin assumed that she would get a shot in her knee. that's just what they do.

so phase one of the planet blister removal entailed the dreaded freezing/burning process which is far less than pleasant to an adult, much less a three-year-old. el Jefe' was very proud to report that again, Punkin didn't wimper or cry. he said it hurt, and accepted the bounty of stickers the amazed staff bestowed upon him. he wanted to share his stickers with his friends at school. el Jefe' let him pick out a treat afterwards, and surprisingly he picked Starbursts, and only ate two on his way back to school.

i am so proud.

pondering passion, not potential

2008-08-18T16:00:00.000-07:00

it occurred to me this past weekend that all these Olympians have parents, and somewhere down the line (sometimes as young as the age of three) someone identified a talent. huge sacrifices were made by these parents (or parent), whether for lessons, or coaches, or uniforms, or camps, or travel to competitions, or just being able to raise your kid.

i pay six bucks for a half-hour swimming lesson. it’s not that i want or expect my kids to become the next Michael Phelps or Natalie Coughlin; i merely want them to know how to swim for their own safety. i enjoy the feel of water against my skin (i’m a Pisces, ya know), of silently floating, and the rare times i feel as though i am gliding through the pool. i hope my kids enjoy that same simple pleasure. at the very least, i don’t want them to fear the water.

for Punkin, i cough up a little over eight bucks for 30 minutes on the Tumblebus. this was my gift to him for his third birthday. he wanted to do it mainly because his friends were doing it; they’re like a little cult, donning their special t-shirts on Wednesdays. sometimes it is the only motivation to get him to school (Punkin as well as me to get there on time). Punkin’s enthusiasm for the Tumblebus has diminished over the summer, perhaps because it is summer and enrollment is constantly changing. i’m not expecting a Paul or Morgan Hamm to emerge from the 80’s era school bus.

but how do you know?

not that they are good enough. not that they have Olympic potential. not that the time and money invested is worth it.

how do you know they love it?

obsession

2008-08-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

i am obsessed with the olympics. my obsession is focused: primarily swimming, but i'll watch women's beach volleyball (not impressed with Dallhauser ...) and gymnastics, and track and field is yet to come. i stay up and watch live events on network television. i have seen countless commercials since Sunday ... thank God i have had a Coke in the past 80 years, and i primarily use my Visa Card, and the Home Depot athletes are inspiring, and all McDonalds serves is all white meat chicken, and John McCain advertises way more than Barack Obama.

i am grateful it is only every four years.

no, not two; the winter games are not nearly as consuming.

it's baaaack

2008-08-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

so much for a good thing.

i didn't ride today. i debated this morning, and came up with excuses (Punkin's field trip and a grocery store run and need to go to the bank), and went back to bed. i'd love to say a got an additional blissful 30 minutes of sleep, but really i just laid there and procrastinated starting my day.

i made it through the deep depressing PMS days, so much so that it came as a surprise. maybe it was early. maybe it was affected by my new meds. i don't keep track anymore. i can't handle another child. i'm having a hard enough time with two.

i feel like i hit the wall yesterday. perhaps it was due to lack of sleep because i am obsessed with watching the Olympics. perhaps it was due to frustration with my father. perhaps it was due to stress from el Jefe' being out of town over night.

it is lingering. i feel like i need more meds.

make my toast dry

2008-08-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

i’m having issues with my father, specifically with regard to his interaction with Punkin. i was going to say “conversations”, but really what kind of conversation can an 83-year-old man have with a 3-and-a-half-year-old boy when the 83-year-old-man is irrational?

i first became aware of the issue when my parents were visiting to celebrate Peanut’s first birthday. Peanut is their only granddaughter; Punkin is their fourth grandson. Punkin and Paw Paw were outside and Punkin wouldn’t listen to some command or instruction. Paw Paw labeled my son “bad” and spent several hours pouting and ignoring my son. eventually i told my father, Paw Paw, that his job was to give my son unconditional love. it was a strained, difficult weekend, so i wrote it off as a symptom.

the last weekend of July and the first weekend in August, my parents spent both weekends visiting us; we’ve become a wayside for their timeshare adventures (because my father insists on driving everywhere). the first weekend was my mother’s birthday, so most of the attention was focused on her (and they stayed with us merely Friday and Saturday nights). the second weekend they arrived on Friday night and did not leave until Monday morning. my mother was sick, hacking, eventually diagnosed very close to having pneumonia. my father arrived with a belly ache which lasted a day or two. neither weekend was a rip-roaring time, but then again they never are, but i do not recall any specific incident between Punkin and Paw Paw.

as my parents were preparing to leave, they were doting on Peanut. Paw Paw was ignoring Punkin. Punkin pee’d in the corner of the living room. i didn’t make a big deal and got him cleaned up without a bunch of fuss, which is nothing short of a miracle for me … thank God for meds. as we were saying our goodbyes, Punkin wouldn’t give Paw Paw a hug and a kiss goodbye. i wasn’t about to force him to do it. Punkin did insist on waving goodbye as they left. and my father’s parting words to Punkin: “eventually you will realize what side your bread is buttered on.” needless to say this meant nothing to Punkin.

i wrote it off to another strained, difficult set of weekends.

one week later, i’m on the phone with my parents for the weekly obligatory phone call. my father’s opening words to me: “you tell your son he needs to learn what side his bread is buttered on.” my response: “he’s three and a half, and i will not have this conversation with you. we all love you. goodbye.”

my father’s messages have fucked me up for a lifetime and left me with low self esteem. fine. whatever. although he is ignorant of the pain he has caused me, i love him. atleast i know where the negative voices in my head come from. but i will not let him hurt my son. Punkin loves his Paw Paw, and asks when he will see him next. i don’t know what to say. i don’t want to expose my son to that for one second. i don’t care about gifts or an inheritance. my son deserves nothing less than the unconditional love i didn’t get, as it was obviously conditional.

hell hath frozen over (again)

2008-08-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

i ironed two pairs of pants (capris, actually, so it was an abbreviated version of ironing pants) and one shirt last night. the shirt was a stupid idea. it's a very nice white linen shirt, purchased by el Jefe', that i wore a couple weeks ago to a meeting with big-wigs and politicians in an attempt to dress up. that was a travesty as said meeting occurred on a Friday when normally it is acceptable to wear jeans and flip flops. the shirt was an afterthought; i needed to iron the capris because my hanging damp method didn't provide its usual results, and i thought i'd throw in the shirt for good measure, just in case i have to meet with the queen or something.

a linen shirt. that i won't be wearing for days, or weeks. that i will undoubtedly have to iron again before i wear it.

i must've been delirious. i do not recall when was the last time i ironed. it's not that i didn't need to iron. it's that i made do with the results of the hanging damp method, even if my wardrobe was reduced to five bottoms and five tops, since Peanut was born.

my boss made a comment a couple weeks ago about a golf shirt i was wearing needing ironing. need i mention he has a SAH wife? bite me.

i'm on drugs (again)

2008-08-06T16:47:00.000-07:00

after more than four years, but less than nine years, i am on drugs again. an antidepressant, specifically Citalopram. (i included that link, as opposed to many others available, because it is my favorite source for information.)

i think i was first prescribed medication for depression nearly 20 years ago. my how time flies. i've lost track of what i've taken, and how long i took it. i remember the nuisance side effects. i remember spending three weeks in a psych ward while my shrink cranked up my dosage. i think at that time i was seeing three different doctors/therapists/counselors ... whatever ... it was bad, to the point i was hospitalized in a locked ward. after that, there was more therapy, and more drugs, and different doctors, and different drugs, and one that made me feel GREAT except that it sent my blood pressure sky-high, to the point they put me on something like Ritalin while i was coming off it. i moved out-of-state in late 1996, and don't recall finding a doctor, so i must've stopped taking medication. later, a counselor recommended a gyn-ob to put me on an antidepressant after a miscarriage. i followed through, but i don't remember for how long. i just know that when i was pregnant with Punkin i wasn't on anything.

so i got to the point (again) where i was willing to try medication (again).

so far, so good. not much nausea. i take it at night after dinner and fall asleep very soundly, pretty quickly. i yawn a lot during the day. but i feel better. not great, but better ... better enough that i'm afraid my blood pressure is sky-high again and they'll have to try something else.

and a month's supply is only four bucks. because i'm worth it.

my Clampett commute

2008-08-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

last month, this is how i got the kids to school (day care) nine times. according to this somewhat user friendly website i saved 55 bucks and 94 lbs of emissions.

i drop the kids off at school and ride another half-mile to work. the trailer actually has some cargo space so i can take my purse and important bag of shit (brief case) with a change of clothes and shoes, and lunch, and a diet dew, and my calculator (see profile), and all the other pieces of paper, and post-its, and colored pens i find oh-so-important that i drag them around on a daily basis. this is particularly important because i am hauling around close to 90 lbs of kids, trailer, and cargo behind a 20-year-old Raleigh Technium (add another 37 lbs) ... so what's the difference if i'm drinking regular or diet?

el Jefe' and i did one test run to and from school the day of the photo. Peanut fell asleep although she did not look very comfortable. Peanut wears Punkin's old helmet ... yes, i'm being thrifty and probably compromising the safety of the elders' only granddaughter, but i have not been able to find a new replacement for someone under the age of three ... said hand-me-down helmet is pointed in the back because everyone knows toddlers need to be aerodynamic. the point interferes with leaning back, so she turns her head sideways (point toward her brother) which he finds a nuisance. fortunately my commute is not in sync with nap time, so the pointed helmet is not as bothersome (to both kids).

the first day of the official commute, i got three calls at work that Peanut had a mysterious rash: the first call was a courtesy call; the second call was a recommendation that i pick up some hydrocortisone cream; and the third call was to take her home for fear she was contagious. so i stop at the grocery store on the way to get her, buy some cream, go pick her up, and coincidentally Punkin is on his way to the lunch room. of course he wants to go home with me, too. so within the span of three hours, i hauled both kids to and from school, went to work for a brief time, and changed my clothes four times. fortunately, this has not deterred me.

i tried a new route today ... a lot less traffic, to the point of being downright lonesome ... even Punkin asked, "Where are all the people?" the jury is out on that one.

i've ridden when it's over 100 degrees (el Jefe' picked up the kids), with an air stagnation warning and threats of stage 2 air quality (lack thereof), and through wind and puddles ... and i'm still not sure why i am doing this. i am saving gas. technically, i haven't saved money ... i'll need to ride roundtrip another 23 times before the trailer has paid for itself. it is my only form of exercise. sometimes one kid or another enjoys it. i especially appreciate the solitude on the ride home when el Jefe' picks up the kids. but i'm not passionate about any aspect of this.

i'm dreading the thought of buying some cycling clothes for fall and winter (i was born without the shopping gene, you know). but maybe my kids will actually get some use out of their hand-me-down snow suits this year?

i'm back, because it is a homework assignment

2008-06-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted in over six months. certainly i've had a lot to write about. i haven't had time. or i haven't made time. in retrospect, things aren't so bad except i feel so bad. i'm sad. i'm depressed. i'm frustrated. i'm irritable. i'm angry. the sum of which make me a pleasure to be around, i'm sure.

i saw a shrink today. el Jefe' accompanied me. i probably should've gone alone, but i certainly appreciated his support.

i beat myself up. i hate myself; i hate my life. but i didn't ask for help, or seek out help, to help myself. i did it to stop the deterioration i see in punkin.

i want him to be happy. i want him to be creative. but most of all, i want him to have some self esteem. in my current funk, i have become my parents. i am strict. i am hard on him. i expect too much of him (jesus, he's only three years old). i do a lot of yelling. i am physically forceful. i say "no" more times than not (so much so, that peanut understood the meaning of the word before she turned one). and i am not proud of this behavior, or the affect it is having on my son.

what you missed the past couple months

2008-01-02T11:01:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s my Third Annual Holiday letter, and the way the year has flown and all the opportunities (marketing-speak for challenges) we’ve faced this year, it didn’t look like we were going to accomplish No. 3. Hopefully you get this before 2008.

January: A very special little boy had his second birthday. We celebrated Punkin’s birthday a little early with my folks, Punkin’s Godmother and her daughter joining our Elmo-themed birthday party. i made another carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and Punkin tried to blow out all two candles. i spent a couple days in Walnut Creek, CA for a Quality Audit; meanwhile, El Jefe was offered and accepted his promotion to Assistant Construction Engineer. That one statement pretty much commenced the perfect storm of 2007. i ended the month with travel to Scottsdale, AZ for the West Region Quality Summit.

February: El Jefe officially started in his new position a week after the offer. His job is based out of headquarters in Carson City, but he is also in charge of all the construction projects in Southern Nevada. We anticipated three trips a month to Las Vegas. None of my doctors could refer a Northern Nevada colleague, so she and Punkin opted to stay in Henderson until after Peanut was born. On Super Bowl weekend, we all flew to Reno to look for a place for El Jefe to hang his hat. We looked at a few apartments that would take dogs in anticipation for the whole family to move and toured day cares to get both Punkin and Peanut on waiting lists (anticipated start date: mid-July). Punkin graduated from his crib to a big-boy bed. Laura (or Lola as Punkin calls her) babysat as we went to our friend Don’s 40th birthday party at the Stratosphere. It was close enough to our ninth wedding anniversary that we opted against another celebration (it was one heckuva party!). Within a matter of days, we officially put our house in Henderson on the real estate market and i, El Jefe, and Punkin rode-tripped to San Diego, CA for year two of my participation in the Pathfinders Awards of Excellence Program within my employer (as a National Committee member, not a recipient). El Jefe and Punkin got to visit El Jefe’s cousin and Punkin’s Godfather who live in San Diego while i was doing my work thing. It was an action-packed weekend. We arrived home from San Diego, El Jefe picked up a U-Haul, loaded it, and drove 470 miles up to Reno on Sunday.

March: i became a part-time single mother while working full-time as El Jefe spent most of the week in Northern Nevada. i spent the prenatal insomnia hours keeping the house picked up for prospective buyers (we had a lot of traffic averaging atleast two showings a week) and cleaning carpets as both Abby and Jenny weren’t feeling so well. Punkin had many sad nights because he missed his Daddy; we all were grateful for the weekends to come so we could be together. El Jefe bought an ice-scraper out of necessity for the first time in 10 years. i had a birthday and was faced with the reality of being a mom to a two-year-old and an infant at age 42. At the end of the month, we all spent the weekend at El Jefe’s apartment in Reno to look at houses with our realtor, Linda for half-days on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Punkin got to see where El Jefe works; he got a balloon from the security guard and got to pet a puppy, so work was deemed a pretty great place.

April: In addition to weekends, El Jefe spent a couple days at home in Henderson for the Nevada Streets and Highways conference. It was memorable as the time a prospective buyer almost fell down the stairs and another group got to witness Swedish meat paste (supposed to be meatballs, but the turkey was ground a little too fine). We colored Easter eggs this year with a kit that had aged nine years (from the first Easter the step was supposed to spend with us). Punkin and i spent another weekend in Reno with El Jefe looking at houses. El Jefe had a birthday, too.

May: We started the month with our annual participation in Race for the Cure. This was Punkin’s third year, and he most enjoyed the popsicle he got during the 5K walk. El Jefe was based out of Las Vegas this month, making only day trips to Carson City in anticipation of Peanut’s arrival. Although the Jet Ski’s were for sale, that didn’t stop us from making a couple last trips to Lake Mead (with me as big as a house). Despite the doctor appointments twice a week, Peanut was not showing any signs of entering into the world early, or on time for that matter. i was admitted for induction on May 29th. 21 hours later, on May 30th at 6:07 pm i became Franken-mommy and Peanut officially joined our family.

June: The step finished her junior year at Arch-Bishop Spalding High School in Maryland and celebrated her 17th birthday. Unfortunately, we did not get to see her at all this summer due to the chaos of our relocation. My folks joined us for Punkin’s Big Brother party and Peanut went to her first company picnic. We sold our Jet Ski’s because of environmental restrictions at the larger lakes in Northern Nevada (truly, the end of an era). Our friends from work and play threw us a Baby Shower/belated Volleyball Championship Season/Going Away party. The middle and her family from Los Angeles visited to meet their newest niece.

July: We said goodbye to Abby, our 15-year-old Doberman mix. El Jefe’s mom visited for three weeks to help us move. She packed and unpacked boxes, and helped us clean, and provided a loving third set of hands to hold Peanut while we all were otherwise occupied. El Jefe flew up to Reno on a solo trip to hump the contents of his one bedroom apartment across the parking lot to our two bedroom apartment. Punkin ended his term at La Petite in Las Vegas and started at Kindercare in Reno (he was still fifth on the waiting list at Kids R Kids). In a Jeep Cherokee and a VW Jetta, we three adults, two kids and a dog endured the 8-hour trip to Reno (which took us 12 hours). Missing from the photo (and from the delivery) are the spice box and a wardrobe box from Punkin’s bedroom, including a calendar of milestones of great sentimental value. The former didn’t matter much as our kitchen was probably less the 50 sq ft; the latter just added extra hardship in composing this letter.

August: Peanut was off the growth charts (attack of the 50-ft woman) at her 2-month well-check with our new pediatrician, whose office is located in an old house. She experienced her first airplane ride when we returned to Las Vegas for a retirement party for El Jefe’s former assistant, and even rolled over while we were staying at my parents’ home in Henderson. Peanut started day care at Kids R Kids (two kids, two day cares, six miles apart), and i went back to work for HDR full-time. i officially transferred to the Reno office, but was temporarily located in a construction office (real office, not a trailer) because they had no space for me. El Jefe made seven trips to Las Vegas for work this month. Six months on the market, two price reductions, and good traffic and we still hadn’t even gotten an insulting offer on our house in Henderson. Despite that fact, we resumed our quest to find a house in Northern Nevada with our realtor, Linda.

September: We all went to the hot-air balloon races, one of several annual September events in Reno. Punkin entered his third school (day care) in three months as FINALLY a spot opened up at Kids R Kids. Nonna and Paw Paw (my parents) came for a long weekend visit; we all road the train in Virginia City, and Punkin went to his first movie at the Planetarium (“The Secret of the Cardboard Rocket”). El Jefe only made five trips to Las Vegas this month, and was offered his old position as a Resident Engineer in District 1 (Las Vegas). i refused to discuss it. We opted to dual-list our house in Henderson for sale and for rent, and were able to find a tenant to sign a one-year-lease that just about covers our expenses.

October: Once we got the Henderson home rented, we found out our tenants in our Hawaiian home opted not to renew their lease (bummer). Fortunately our property manager lined up new tenants in a matter of weeks (phew). i was supposed to attend a Pathfinders meeting in Omaha, but only made it as far as Denver when her flight got cancelled (thanks, United) and had to spend the night. i did a day trip to Las Vegas on Southwest the following week without incident. El Jefe made seven trips to Las Vegas this month for work. In the midst of it all, we joined all of my family at Zion National Park to celebrate my parents’ 50th Anniversary. Punkin caught his first fish (so big, he ran for the hills!) and had a blast trying to keep up with his older cousins from Los Angeles and Atlanta. We started a new tradition with all four of us participating in the Northern Nevada Race for the Cure 5K walk. And we continued to look at houses, many of which Punkin would characterize with one question: “What’s this house smell like?” or “Where’s the back yard?” We ended up buying a new home that we didn’t consider seriously until they dropped the price $60,000 and it ended up being $100,000 less than anything else we were looking at. Peanut was a bumble bee for Halloween, and Punkin was Mr. Incredible (or Mr. Credible, as he calls him.)

November: Peanut had her first experience with rice cereal (a bowl full of mush) and learned to sit up alone (which has become her favorite position). i finally moved from the construction office to the newly expanded main office, and started my transportation empire with two employees (female, i might add). Punkin started wearing underwear, which he proudly displayed to all his classmates (El Jefe said it’s a rite of passage). Despite a couple accidents, Punkin was officially potty-trained and even learned to pee like the big boys! El Jefe did two over-night and three day trips to Las Vegas for work. And over a period of several days, we gladly vacated the confining quarters of our two-bedroom apartment and moved into our new house. It started with a U-haul and the help of two of El Jefe’s co-workers, Jeff and Steve, and Steve’s 5-year-old stepson Michael who provided a constant source of entertainment for Punkin (the adults were entertained with a case of Fosters). We survived with a cooler as a refrigerator for three days, with Grandma from Wisconsin providing another set of helping hands for well over a week. Sadly, the spice box and Punkin’s calendar never made it. Nonna and Paw Paw came from Las Vegas, so we had a full table with all the trimmings for Thanksgiving dinner; even Peanut got to partake in the yams. El Jefe and I endured a five-hour marathon at Bed Bath and Beyond, which eventually resulted in all the window coverings for our new home and an impressive receipt that was roughly seven feet long. Peanut got her first tooth.

December: Punkin attended Samantha’s (an older woman’s) birthday party at Jump Man Jump (where even the adults can join in the fun … a wonderful alternative to Chuck-E-Cheese). The step got accepted to Georgia Tech’s aerospace engineering program and Penn State’s college of engineering. Punkin is showing the same logical, obsessive, somewhat linear tendencies of an engineer which horrifies me … there’s still hope that Peanut will be a pharmacist or rock star as long as we take away her favorite geometric rattle. We awoke one morning to four inches of snow (perfect for snow balls), which Punkin insisted on shoveling once he had his very own shovel. Peanut had her first and second baby-sitting experiences (with Punkin, of course) as Punkin’s teacher held down the fort while El Jefe and I attended Christmas parties for work. i relished the time that i could eat with both hands. El Jefe made three days trips and an over-night to Las Vegas and qualified for a companion pass on Southwest (that’s supposed to be a good thing, right?). And we’re headed to Wisconsin via Chicago-Midway (on Southwest, of course) for Christmas, where the rest of El Jefe’s family will get to meet Peanut for the first time.

With that, it’s time for a Foster’s. i send you all my wishes for a prosperous new year.

giving up

2007-09-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

it has been weeks since i last posted. i've been busy ... and i didn't know that i had access at work, but that's another story.

on Monday, el jefe' dropped a bombshell on me. there are two openings for his previous position down South. the position he was promoted from. the position he vacated in February.

he left the door open.

you can go back and follow the turmoil, trials, and tribulations of his promotion, and our subsequent move ... dealing with the uncertainty of a new baby, putting our house on the market, being a single parent for months, packing, the subsequent move, and my transfer. our house in the South is STILL on the market, and concurrently available for rent. i've been back to work full-time for a month, and Peanut has been in day care a month, and we just finally moved Punkin to the same daycare as Peanut. i'm in a temporary office, although it looks as though i'll move to a conference room in the "permanent" office.

it should be getting better, but it feels worse.

i feel like i don't know my husband, the man i've been married to nearly 10 years. that he was even remotely unsatisfied enough that he would consider a demotion. that he would even consider moving our family all over again. that all the stress and exhaustion i have endured apparently aren't enough.

he offsets my pessimism, my worries, my insecurities. in one fell swoop, these all came back. it feels as though he's giving up. and maybe i should, too.

northern nevada fashion tip

2007-08-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

camouflage goes with everything.

too bad i don't shop here: http://www.thecamoshop.com/index.html

a silver lining

2007-08-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

so in an effort to try to find the bright spots in my miserable life, i thought i'd come up with a list:

the apartment is so small and we have so much furniture that we only have to vaccuum selected paths
we bang into the furniture so often that we all have bruises ... saves on those costly tattoos, and they are not quite as permanent
the hot water in the apartment is so hot that we don't have to sterilize Peanut's bottles
Jenny goes for a walk a couple times a day
with two offices plus working from home, i'm never looking at the same four walls for very long
i haven't gotten lost yet
i'm building upper body strength by hauling around the pump and my important bag of shit
premium gasoline is almost below $3.00 a gallon
with the kids in two different daycares, we get to experience a variety of caregiving styles ... and the kids are building immunities from all sorts of different bugs
i'll probably max out my FSA this year because i'm going to have to find a shrink

seriously, we both are gainfully employed, and although we are living pay check-to-pay check supporting two homes, we haven't gone broke yet. everyone is healthy. but i am down, and lonely, and can't find anything to look forward to.

how are you doing?

2007-08-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

thanks for asking ...

Peanut is doing well, even in day care (Kids R Kids). she had a goopy eye, even before she started day care. i think she got it from one of the kids at Punkin's school. i have to drag her in when i drop Punkin off, and this little boy named Aidan can't keep his hands off of her. she got eye drops and is better now. her new pediatrician's office is in an old house. it's not as fancy or high-tech as the doctor we went to down South, but everyone is really nice and friendly.

after one month, Punkin didn't cry this morning when i dropped him off at day care. he goes to Kindercare because he is still on a waiting list at Kids R Kids. we just found out there is a spot for him at Kids R Kids September 10. so now he'll have to adjust all over again. it is a pain with the kids at two different schools (they are 7 miles apart), and we all don't know what to think of Kindercare. they are going through a lot of changes in staff so no one seems to act like they know what they're doing. he asks about his old school (La Petite) and on Sunday he woke up from his nap all confused and said he wanted to sleep in his old room (at our house down South). he's adjusting, and i don't think he'll turn out to be an axe murderer, but it's hard for me to see him go through this.

i'm working from 3 different places: the North office, the North Construction office, and home. my computer is in the North Construction office. i spent the morning in the North office, but my boss is going to be out the rest of the week and they don't have any space for me, so i probably won't go back this week. i have a big office in the Construction office, but all i've unpacked and set up is my computer. it's pretty quiet over there. like Punkin, i'm adjusting, too.

El Jefe’ travels South once or twice a week.

it's not as chaotic as when we were actually packing, moving, and unpacking, but i don't feel settled and i wouldn't call it a "normal" life. what's "normal", anyway?

back to school

2007-08-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

Peanut started in day care yesterday. we call it school, mainly because of the times when el Jefe's daughter spent a month of the summer with us. it sounds weird saying you're late for "day care" when you're dealing with a 'tween.

i nearly forgot her eye drops. i brought a Boppy, just to discover they provide them, so i ended up taking it home. (i bought a new one just to be able to breastfeed her comfortably at school. now i'm kicking myself because i didn't need to spend the extra $35.) i brought her mobile at lunch time, when i went to feed her and found she had pooped through her clothes. and when i picked her up, i was nearly home before i realized i had forgotten her bottles. the women are nice. one of her teachers is very quiet. i believe English is her second language. the college kids who help out are getting ready to go back to school. the other mothers are pretty friendly as well. it's ok. actually better than ok.

a week of infant care for Peanut costs $199. a week of care for Punkin, at age 2 1/2, costs $193. they are at different schools because Punkin is still on a waiting list, and has been since February, at the school that Peanut goes to.

we're getting ripped off for Punkin's care. and we don't feel good about it. and Punkin doesn't like his new school.

the director just quit.

enrollment is way down. it's eerie dropping off Punkin in the morning.

the highest turn-over rooms are infants and 2's. Punkin is in the 2's.

Punkin's teacher doesn't know where they keep the art supplies.

it seems like there is no structure, no curriculum. the kids pretty much just stand around and play by themselves whenever we drop off or pick up Punkin.

the only thing he looks forward to is Splash Day on Tuesdays.

he cries when i drop him off. it breaks my heart.

i guess it made Peanut's first day seem easier.

and her care seems like a bargain.

same ol' Jenny

2007-08-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

we had to board Jenny last weekend. Peanut made her first airplane ride as the whole family returned South for a retirement party for el Jefe’s former assistant. his former assistant is retiring, but going to work for a consultant, and he’ll end up on the same project he was on as a former assistant. incestuous. surreal. we’d only been North 2 weeks and now we were back. and now we’re back North again. i digress ...

Jenny is a border collie mix. she’s a small dog … not a miniature, and actually a medium dog by most people’s standards as she weighs 30 lbs. she’s mostly black, with some white on her chin, chest, belly and one toe (someone suggested we call her “Skid Mark”). Punkin went with el Jefe’ to pick her up from boarding Monday after school.

the first dog out was very black, and very large … a good 3 times the size of Jenny. Punkin’s eyes got real big as he tentatively asked, “Jenny?” el Jefe’ explained that no, that was not Jenny but someone else’s dog.

the next dog out was a standard-size poodle. all black. once again, Punkin’s eyes got even bigger as he asked, “What happened to Jenny?” el Jefe’ explained that the second dog was a poodle, and someone else’s dog.

finally Jenny came out … normal-sized. she was happy to be home, and Punkin was just as happy she was returned to us without transformation.

this morning, we saw a large black lab. Punkin asked if it was a poodle.

the travelogue

2007-08-03T16:46:00.000-07:00

July 21
12:30 am
I fed Peanut for 35 minutes on the couch in the family room of my parents’ house. el Jefe’ keeps me company during feedings although he mostly sleeps and snores. It’s the thought that counts.
We were stationed at my parents’ house for the past two nights as all our belongings had been loaded on an 80-foot semi two days prior. Jenny was in a kennel in their garage. Grandma had the guest bedroom. El Jefe’ and I had the master, with room for Punkin on a futon mattress on the floor and Peanut in a Pack n’ Play. Eventually we stumbled to bed.
I awoke at 5:30 am, in time to pack a little, strip the bed, and get a shower.

6:00 am
I fed Peanut for 30 minutes on the couch in the family room. After his shower, el Jefe’ headed to the house for the last few items on the honey-do list … mopping, wipe counter tops, Windex the French doors (easier without dog noses), and sweep the garage. I got Punkin going on his breakfast; Grandma helped with Jenny, and we started doing laundry ... two and a half beds of sheets, towels, and a few items of clothing (we did not want to leave any laundry for my mom to return to after their 3 1/2-week vacation in Hawaii … how convenient). I continued to pack and organize, as we had items scattered throughout the 2,800 sq ft house. El Jefe’ left a message on my cell with an update of his progress … apparently I didn’t have service, which I realized after 5 attempted calls and much frustration. (just what I needed, a little more stress.) I was tasked with supplying roach traps. So around 8:00 am, Punkin and I went to Albertson’s to purchase roach traps, Swiffer refills (that we snagged from my mom; el Jefe’ fell in love with them), Peanut diapers, and the coveted dry ice to transport 48 precious ounces of frozen breastmilk across the state. I was completely ignorant in the purchase of dry ice, but after traipsing across the store with Punkin in his race car grocery cart, we eventually ended up with something like 6 pounds for over $8 (which is a bargain if you know anything about the pain and suffering administered by a breast pump). Punkin and I dropped off the roach traps, and I passed through our home of nearly 10 years one last time, and headed back up to my parents’ house to feed Peanut once again. Our goal was to get on the road before noon.

9:30 am
I fed Peanut for 30 minutes on the couch in my parents’ house. More organizing. More laundry. More packing. El Jefe’ returned from our house, and now we had to figure out how to get three adults, two kids, one dog, one dog kennel, house plants, luggage, coolers, and leftover cleaning supplies into a 2001 Jeep Cherokee and a 2004 Jetta. Grandma and I were stationed inside with Peanut; el Jefe’ and Punkin were in charge of packing the vehicles. Packing, stuffing, cramming … you choose the verb. We approached and surpassed the noon deadline, but we were on a mission and there was no turning back. We fueled up at the nearest gas station; Grandma, el Jefe’ and Jenny in the Jeep, and Punkin and Peanut with me in the Jetta. Peanut started hollering at the gas station and kept it up all the way to the Paiute reservation. Fortunately Punkin opted for a nap (so I could turn off Kids Stuff on Sirius and tune into Classic Vinyl). All was quiet up to Indian Springs, so we decided to keep going. Peanut started up again right after we passed the northern limit of Indian Springs.

2:00 pm
I fed Peanut for 30 minutes in the driver’s seat of the Jetta, parked with the windows down at the rest area in Amargosa. A lot of dirt, a couple trees, and two tolerable restroom buildings. Jenny hung out under a tree. Grandma, Punkin, and el Jefe’ snacked on hard boiled eggs and carrots. We all drank bottles of water. And we eventually hit the road again.
We topped off the tanks in Beatty, bought some cheese and cracker and peanut butter cracker snacks, and half a dozen waters. Grandma wanted to drive before it got dark, so she was at the helm of the Jeep with me in the passenger seat. El Jefe’ drove the Jetta with the kids. I think I got about a 10 minute nap. The kids were quiet for el Jefe’ (Peanut slept and Punkin got to listen to Kids Stuff).

5:30 pm
I fed Peanut for 25 minutes at the McDonalds in Tonopah. We were crammed into a corner booth, with her car seat as a privacy shield. I inhaled a filet o’fish, fries, and half of Punkin’s chicken nuggets. I am normally the worlds’ slowest eater, so el Jefe’ could not fail to comment on my ravenous behavior. I opted for Diet Coke at this point, knowing we were only half-way there. While there was still daylight, Grandma offered to drive the Jeep to give el Jefe’ a break; I returned to pilot the Jetta with the kids as we continued our journey. Punkin played with his gyroscope thing from his Happy Meal. The flying wheels were “airplanes” which I had to retrieve from the back seat floor consistently until they fell out of my limited reach. He called the launching stick his “Super Duper” and yielded it like a sword. Fortunately it fell out of reach after a few minutes. Not long after we left McDonalds, Punkin announced he wanted good supper. I plied him with a peanut butter chocolate chip chewy granola bar (he actually wanted the berry flavor, which I couldn’t find blindly). After a couple bites he decided he didn’t like it and gave me some chewed up remains (after he smeared some of the chocolate chips all over his mouth). I opted to offer him the peanut butter crackers from our stop in Beatty. These ended up being half-chewed and spit out. I threatened to turn off Kids Stuff if he wouldn’t stop spitting. It worked, but alas it was too late as we discovered at our next stop. Punkin tried to remove his shirt while buckled in his car seat. As this is nearly impossible, he cried for quite awhile in frustration. Peanut started hollering, too.

8:30 pm
I fed Peanut for 35 minutes in the driver’s seat of the Jetta, parked with the windows down at a convenience store in Hawthorne. Punkin was covered in orange goo (from spitting the peanut butter crackers), and his car seat was filled with crumbs. At this point I set down the law of no food in mommy’s car. El Jefe’ purchased some Chex Mix, which I forbade from entering my vehicle. Punkin took off his shirt. Punkin and Grandma took Jenny for a walk, when Grandma realized she had lost an earring. Grandma reported that after their walk, Punkin had enquired why Jenny sniffed the ground. After hearing the explanation from Grandma, he dropped to all fours on a public sidewalk, planted his face to the ground, and said, “I’m a doggie. I’m sniffing for poop.” I put on Punkin’s shirt by the light of a street light. We left it on backwards for the remainder of the journey (as Klampetts, you can get two days out of a shirt that way).
We passed Walker Lake in the dark.
The kids started hollering just outside Fernley. We fueled up at a convenience store. Punkin asked for milk, and got some, which he was very proud of but wouldn’t drink. He told me there were lollipops in the store, but he had had enough sugar for the day. El Jefe’ and I got 20 oz coffees (and I got two candy bars, hoping for an extra boost from the chocolate). We negotiated the bizarre traffic circle (designed by a former employer) outside Fernley, and continued to caravan to the apartment in Reno.

July 22
12:30 am
I fed Peanut for 25 minutes in a chair in the apartment. Punkin slept on the couch until the futon was set up in his room. He didn’t get to hear the frogs croaking as el Jefe’ carried him into the apartment. It faces a small lake with frogs and geese and ducks and herons and cormorants and even pelicans as we later discovered. Jenny slept in her kennel in the middle of the family room. El Jefe’ took Grandma to her hotel room at Extended Stay America (for two nights; once our furniture arrived she slept on the futon in Punkin’s room). El Jefe’ and I slept in our guest bed, which is our bed for the duration of our stay in the apartment. Peanut joined us in the Pack n’ Play.
Our 8-hour drive took 12.
We arrived safely, but completely exhausted.
There’s no place like home.

we're here

2007-07-28T13:16:00.000-07:00

we are unofficially Northerners.

the packers packed on Wednesday, the 18th. the movers loaded the 80-ft semi (we only took up a third of it) on Thursday, the 19th. we cleaned and painted and all that goes with leaving a house until Saturday morning. we finally hit the road shortly after noon. the 8-hour drive took over 12 hours, with at least 3 stops to nurse Peanut. we arrived after midnight on Saturday, so it was really Sunday, the 22nd.

the moving truck arrived in the afternoon of Monday, the 23rd.

we're somewhat settled. Punkin has had a full week at his temporary school/daycare. el Jefe' has returned to work full-time and even made two day trips to the South. i finally connected the computer and got internet access yesterday.

according to el Jefe', it's all downhill from here (not getting worse, just getting easier.) i can easliy say i have been through the most exhausting experience of my life. i'm not sure my words convey my lack of enthusiasm and depression at the commencement of this new chapter in my life.

moving

2007-07-18T18:40:00.000-07:00

the packers came and went today. no, not the NFL team, which comes to mind especially when your husband and mother-in-law were born and raised in Wisconsin. the guys who show up with a straight truck of cardboard, paper, and tape. 44 boxes in less than four hours. that doesn't include the two-car-garage-stall nearly filled with those packed by el Jefe' (PBO: packed by owner) and my few paltry contributions. they pack everything that isn't tied down. we made el Jefe' retrieve my flip flops and my mother-in-law's birks from a box, or we wouldn't have any shoes.

they load tomorrow.

a realtor came today, after the packers. what a site. i'm sure the house showed fabulously.

there is still cleaning to do. my mother-in-law did a majority of the kitchen cabinets, and Punkin's bathroom. we scheduled the carpets to be cleaned Friday.

Punkin did not freak coming home to a house of boxes. Peanut even had a meal while the packers were here. i, on the other hand, am down.

this is it. hope to post next week. wish us luck ...

running out of time

2007-07-15T05:48:00.000-07:00

el Jefe's mom arrived Wednesday afternoon. she'll be with us for three weeks, helping us pack, move, and unpack. she's staying at my parents' house at night while we're still down South because we don't have a bed for her, and my parents conveniently planned a 3-week trip to Hawaii, knowing full well they were having a grandchild and we were moving up North. maybe it was part of their denial and there was less guilt knowing they wouldn't lift a finger to assist in our move.

she gave Peanut her first bottle of pumped breastmilk on Thursday. i stuck around and pumped. it went well. she is very good with infants, assuming the experience with our kids is universal. the extra set of hands gave me the opportunity on Friday to do some "honey-do's" like fixing a window screen and sorting through nearly $500 in change. i left her in charge Friday with a bottle, hoping i could pack up my office at work. i had nearly five hours to sort an pack 9 years with my employer, and 20 years of my career. i ended up bring home a box of three plants, and spending the remainder of time on billable projects. i was all ready overwhelmed by all the aspects of the move. i was all ready frustrated by work interfering with this stage in my life. i realized i didn't get to say good-bye to anyone at the office. i was depressed by my lack of progress in the office, and the fact i would have to return this weekend when no one was around.

i said good-bye to my best friend Lola, Punkin's godmother, last night. we had a full day of packing (toys!), two trips to the GoodWill, and i finally got to swim with Punkin for about a half-hour. she came over for pizza and beer, a little tradition with us. she talked about making new friends but i just can't even hope for that right now.

it will happen. it will be over soon. but i am down. and this is hard.

about a week to go

2007-07-12T07:51:00.000-07:00

the proverbial ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. and i'm trying to cram it all in between breastfeeding a six-week-old Peanut. i get depressed at the drop of a hat. the movers come in about a week (pack Wednesday, load Thursday), but we can't get the "spread" dates (the date our stuff will actually arrive up North). we haven't made reservations for Grandma (el Jefe's mom) for a place to stay up North; either way she's not going to fit in the apartment until our stuff arrives. Grandma is staying at my parents now while they're in Hawaii for a month (convenient trip, don't you think?) ... they also have a dog sitter staying there. how weird. and we may have to camp there (on couches) once our stuff gets loaded. Peanut and Punkin both have 5 kids ahead of them on the day care waiting lists up North, waiting lists that we got on at the beginning of February ... we have an alternate established for Punkin, and that means moving him to a different school twice, but what else can we do? i'm out of FMLA leave towards the end of August, with no office to move to, but being a full time mom was not part of the plan.

i'm making lists, and actually checking things off, and of course adding to them. cleaning, packing, taxes (Hawaii GE, lucky us), donating, and trying to cram in work and more packing. oh, and the interruption every other day that someone wants to see the house. we dropped the price and are offering $5K to the buyer at closing. i'm freaked out that someone is going to show up when i'm feeding the Peanut. i already had a potential when i was changing a diaper ... i honestly think i had poop running down my arm as i answered the door with a naked baby. el Jefe' says i'm too nice. let's face it: i am nearly desperate to sell this house as i do not want to live in an apartment forever. for very long. if this move was to Hawaii, we would have a place to move to. next time ...

i've known this month would be chaotic for awhile. i am getting through it. i just have to keep telling myself that i have something to look forward to.

good bye, Abby.

2007-07-07T17:43:00.001-07:00

are these wasted days?

2007-07-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

so i've gotta do the calendar, the baby book, the announcements (which are almost done), and the trickling stream of Thank You notes. i don't send announcements hoping people will send gifts. just the opposite, because each gift begets another Thank You note. i also need to sort through baby clothes (bittersweet) and maternity clothes (many of which i am still wearing) for Goodwill. and clean. and pack. and say good-bye.

and then there are the days i check e-mails at work, and that's all i seem to get accomplished. i'm on leave. short-tern disability. and i shouldn't worry about work, and projects, and clients, and marketing, and packing my office to go into storage or no-man's-land, because they don't have a place for me. talk about displaced. but i feel torn. and gulit-ridden. and responsible. and out of control.

Peanut is growing like a weed. she's three inches taller and over two pounds bigger. those first weeks are gone, and she's over a month old. should i stop and smell the roses, or continue to obsess about the chaos the month of July brings?

thank you, Peanut.

2007-07-01T06:24:00.000-07:00

so i mentioned we're trying to apply the concepts in "Baby Wise" (the whole wake, eat, play, sleep thing). she's basically on a schedule, that we're not supposed to call a schedule. i believe the term is "parent-directed feeding" or PDF (nothing to do with Adobe), instead of on-demand feeding. it does induce predictability and prevents snacks.

Peanut is one month old, and moreso due to frustration and exhaustion than due to the milestone, we stopped setting the alarm for the 3 am (or so) feeding. for the last two nights i fed her around midnight, and we're all nestled in our beds by 1 am. she makes it until about 5 am. that's four hours of continuous sleep, as opposed to two. el Jefe' thinks we should get her tested (that's an inside joke, directed at our parents).

i had a hard time falling asleep last night. the longer sleep feels worse than the bits and pieces sleep. but i'm not complaining. it has been an amazing month.

speed post

2007-06-28T08:54:00.001-07:00

ha! i was obviously exaggerating about that two-hour window of opportunity. i might have 10 minutes to write this post. and it has taken me a week to find those 10 minutes.

but i am Wonder Woman! el Jefe' made a day trip up North this morning. he got up at the 3 am feeding, took a shower and made his way to the airport for a 6 am flight. Although Peanut was due to eat around 6 am, she very consistently wakes up around 5:30 am (we think it's the early sunrise).

i got a couple winks between 4 am and 5:30. once we got up, i fed her (mommy meal, over a half hour). i also fed the dogs, including the 105-year-old anorexic who stopped eating wet and dry mixed, ate dry only half her meal times or less, and is now eating wet at every meal but has to be supervised because young dog will devour any leftover food which she clearly doesn't need because she is shaped like a cube. i packed Punkin's diaper bag with organic milk, lunch, Pull-ups and wipes, and took it out to the car knowing i wouldn't have a free hand, plus it was an excuse to get the paper. Peanut and i got Punkin up, and i made him an egg for breakfast (unexplainable, other than he asked for it ... raw, i might add, but that is unacceptable). i changed Peanut during breakfast, and brushed Punkin's teeth, and changed Punkin and got him out of his jammies and into his school clothes. Peanut in the car seat, Punkin's shoes on, loaded into the car and we all made it to school by 8 am. only a few tears from both kids, and none from mommy.

i even stopped at the store on the way home for more canned dog food (she can live for three more days) and a D battery for the bouncy chair.

i may have exceeded my 10 minutes, but Peanut is not screaming. i am Wonder Woman.

three new nursing bras

2007-06-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

i'm a little frustrated with the two-hour window of opportunity. you'd think it was an hour to feed, a half-hour of play, and an hour and a half nap, eight times a day. well, the two-hour window of opportunity also applies to how much "work" i can get done in a day. yes, consider the ramifications to a control freak who only has two productive hours in a single day. two productive hours to do actual work, write thank-you notes, send out announcements, work on her memory book, and obviously occasionally post to this blog. i continuously have to remind myself to keep my expectations low (very low).

yesterday's window consisted of an outing with Peanut to run errands. we went to Target because Peanut was running out of diapers. i brought along a gift card with intentions of getting her something special of her very own (probably clothing), but then i choked because we are attending a party in her honor on Sunday. i went through the store twice looking for Mylicon. and i got some diapers. and for myself, i bought three new nursing bras.

nursing bras suck. i have to wear them 24-7 for the next 11 months. i avoid the underwire ones because i read something negative about them, so that reduces my choices to less than half of the styles available. i purchased a Medela nursing bra from JC Penney before Peanut was born. it is easily the world's ugliest bra and not very comfortable. i am extremely disappointed because i have been impressed by nearly everything in the Medela line, and i paid twice what i would normally pay for the butt-ugly bra. at Target, i found three different bras in my size and purchased them on the spot.

the three new bras are ok. just ok. am i going to be like one of my co-workers, who ended up with something like 15 different nursing bras, in her quest for one comfortable bra, when she only nursed her child for a couple months? i don't want fifteen bras. i don't want fifteen styles. i just want a couple that are comfortable; that don't itch, that don't bind on the sides, that will hold up through the laundry. breastfeeding supposedly saves you money, so these dream nursing bras should be affordable, too.

silly me. i've got to remember to keep my expectations low.

my husband, the best father a kid could have

2007-06-18T08:02:00.000-07:00

in honor of Father's Day, i will tell this story about dinner friday night.

el Jefe' and i alternate weeks on whose turn it is to buy groceries, and whose turn it is to decide what our weekend meals entail. typically, we do not cook friday or saturday nights (and thursday is usually left over night). this dates back to a recommendation from counselling many years ago ... it works for us. this past weekend was el Jefe's turn.

he chose Joe's Crab Shack for our friday night outing. the place has a special meaning to us, a park for Punkin to play in, and we recently returned after banning them for several years for poor service and cold food. there was a short wait to be seated, but we had at least an hour and a half window of opportunity before Peanut's next feeding.

we should've known better when it took an eternity to get our beers and Punkin's milk ... so long that our waiter brought us water to tide us over (afterall, we live in the desert, don't ya know). we ordered Punkin's meal, and an appetizer, and figured we'd order our main courses when something showed up (beverage, food, whatever). Punkin was chair dancing, which touched my soul to see my son with no inhibitions (when do kids start to feel embarrassed?) eventually we ordered our main courses, and received our beers.

our appetizer came out before Punkin's meal. well before, in that we ate all the jalapeno crab balls and french fries and all three of us sat there and stared at the empty basket and wished for more. Peanut woke up during the Macarena, and our food, not even Punkin's food, was no where in sight.

el Jefe' bounced Peanut. i bounced and danced with Peanut. Punkin eventually got his food and polished off his carrot sticks. el Jefe' and i finished our beers. and as we watched our window of opportunity creep shut, we asked about our meals. our waiter informed us the oder had only been placed 10 minutes ago. we disagreed, but were held hostage. el Jefe' ordered another beer. and we bounced Peanut.

as the window of opportunity shut, our waiter tried to deliver us another couples' meal. said other couple was seated a good 4 tables after us, most likely a half hour after us. el Jefe' says we should've eat their food. still, we waited and continued to bounce our wide awake and not too happy Peanut.

Punkin announced he had a poo poo. el Jefe' went to change him, and of course, there was not a changing table in the men's restroom. our food was finally delivered, and the waiter had the nerve to ask if the boys were playing in the park. when they got back, el Jefe' let me prepare my food for one-handed eating, and then i took the Peanut while he proceeded to inhale his king crab legs. the balloon lady came by, and made Punkin an Elmo (thank God because he was bored by this time, his normal bed time). el Jefe' was obviously steaming at this point, and he is not a volatile man.

our waiter offered to pay for our drinks. el Jefe' explained that "with a baby, we have a limited window of opportunity, and frankly, our food just took too fucking long." el Jefe' finished his meal; i got a go box for my entire meal, we paid, tipped meagerly and left. i fed Peanut in the car.

so i'm really not comfortable breastfeeding in public, so maybe it's partly my fault. but are we banned from family restaurants because i'm breastfeeding? why shouldn't we be able to dine out? it's not like we went to a five star french restaurant with a seventeen course meal.

all the things that could've made the evening worse: Punkin could've needed stitches after bashing his head into the table and chairs several times. we could've gotten salmonella poisoning from our meal. we could've gotten pulled over on the way home and cited for car seat and seat belt issues, and el Jefe' could've blown over a 0.08. i guess we could've gone to jail.

el Jefe' understands me. he stood up for me, and he stood up for our family.

and my food was good, even though it was cold.

3-hour increments

2007-06-14T11:44:00.000-07:00

el Jefe' would say, and i would agree, that i'm getting bitchy. part of it is rarely leaving the house. part of it is rarely bathing (i think my last shower was Monday?). part of it is this expensive, butt-ugly, uncomfortable nursing bra that i'm forcing myself to wear 24-7 because i spent the money and it wasn't cheap. and part of it is living life in 3-hour increments.

i try to make sure Peanut has 8 meals a day. do the math, and that is every 3 hours. my family (except for my antiquated parents) are firm believers in "Baby Wise" which offers the wake, eat, play, sleep routine. Peanut is doing well, Punkin did fabulously, so we're trying to maintain the tradition in concept. breastfeeding kids can take up to an hour to feed. 20 minutes is just plain bullshit. so, that leaves roughly 2 hours every feeding. two or three of those, i try to sleep. at least two more of those, el Jefe' and i are trying to balance having Punkin and Peanut around and keeping everyone fed and entertained. what it boils down to is that i feel as though i have no more than 2 hours to accomplish anything in any one day. that could be a shower. that could be thank you notes. that could be a trip to the grocery store.

i'm frustrated that i can't accomplish much in two hours a day.
and i've got nearly 11 months and 2 weeks more of this.

the end of an era

2007-06-10T23:22:00.000-07:00

FOR SALE

1998 Kawasaki 1100 ZXi
1998 Kawasaki 1100 STX
1998 Zieman J2B Double Trailer

$5,900 or best offer

29 minutes from Lake Mead National Recreation Area

Cruising, Tubing, Water Skiing, Wake Boarding & Tons o’ Fun

we started 4th of July, 1998 with the red ski, a three-seater, and a double trailer. we followed with the yellow ski, a two seater, around labor day weekend that same year. on saturday, June 9, we sold both Jet Ski's and the trailer. honest to God, el Jefe' and i cried.

this was a huge part of our lives here. this was our primary source of entertainment. the red ski had nearly 200 hours on the odometer ... you could say we got our money's worth. memories. fun. passion.

due to environmental restrictions, we can't ride them in the larger lakes up North. we have vowed to get back into it when we get settled up North ... out of an apartment and into a house. it won't be the same; it never is the same. at least we got to share it with Punkin (who has asked several times "Where did the Jet Skis go?"). and with our resolve to get back into it when we're up North, we will share the enjoyment with Peanut.

the end of an era, or the beginning of a new one?

Lea's coming out party

2007-06-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

i was supposed to check into the hospital, labor and delivery, at 8:00 pm Tuesday, May 29th. Like most events since becoming a mother to Punkin, I was late. I put in a full day of work, with a goal to leave at 5:00 pm. I made it out by 5:30 pm, with quite a few items remaining on my “to do” list (some important, like a change order, and others not, like a request for quiz hints received this last day). We planned to take Punkin out to dinner (Applebee’s, his second favorite, mainly for the balloons) but the Applebee’s close to our house is closed, boarded-up, kaput. We opted for the next closest Applebee’s, which had several empty tables yet a wait to be seated, and no balloons. My prediction is the Applebee’s chain is going under for failure to provide balloons. Just you watch. There was quite a scene at home with Punkin, with plenty of tears, and requests that we all go to the hospital together and get Peanut. Eventually we showed up at labor and delivery closer to 8:45 pm. Not like they were going to start without me.

So i check into triage, and fill out a pink sheet roughly 5 x 7 (landscape) with about a dozen boxes for information. They included “last menstral period” and “due date” and how far along i was, so i did not have to go through the agony of the stupid wheel one more time. That’s it. No wonder they let just anyone have a baby. The nurses laughed when my response to “Why are you here?” consisted of “Cervical ripening”. Not a good sign. One of the triage nurses said she never heard it put that way … that’s what my ob-gyn called it; that’s what they call it in “What to Expect” … what am i supposed to say … they are going to put in a chemical tampon?

Labor and delivery triage was busy (el Jefe' kept commenting: “Business is good.”) so we sat in the waiting area for probably over an hour watching network TV shows neither of us had even heard of. My first L & D nurse, Ruth, eventually came and got us and put us in Room 4 (even though the computer was supposedly slow). She started an IV after repeating how my veins were so easy to find, yet complaining that they’re all crooked (because i have valves, and i think the only thing we can blame there is good ol’ advanced maternal age); suffice to say, this IV site was to get a lot of use, and she got it the first try, but it wasn’t pretty, without blood loss, or painless. At this point, i was in the gown, i’ve got both the external fetal heart rate and contraction monitors, but i was able to get up and use the rest room on my own free will (sorry, but that is important to me.)

Around 11:00 pm Ruth began the cervical ripening, but not without a final trip to the bathroom since I was going to be bedridden (only for the next 2 hours, but still…). She did tell me we have a very happy baby, judging by the monitors. Internal check (for those of you who have never had kids, this is done MANUALLY and frequently): my cervix had thinned, and was closed, as it had been for the previous 3 weeks. A few minutes into the ripening, i sent el Jefe' home. The process was rather like watching paint dry, and they weren’t planning on starting Pitocin until i had ripened for 12 hours. He left and i dozed on and off (mostly off) for the obligatory 2 hours. Once Ruth returned and released me from the bed, i of course went to the bathroom and opted for the 10 mg of Ambien offered to me. It did absolutely nothing. Needless to say, i saw the story about Andrew Speaker and his TB about every 8 minutes throughout my hospital stay.

Shortly after 7:00 am i called el Jefe' and Punkin (“No new baby yet.”) Ruth finished her shift and i met my new L & D nurse, Tammy. Tammy had an improved command of the English language and a drier sense of humor … we got along fabulously. We talked about kids, and birth experiences (17 hours with Punkin; she said she could beat that), and potential names (Chloe is regaining in popularity, and the family controversy over Stuart). She gave me a tray of hospital breakfast, which really was terrific, since the supposed “benefit” of cervical ripening is that you can eat and walk around (and hence, go to the bathroom). With the other induction drugs and interventions, you eventually lose your rights, so i nearly devoured the breakfast as quickly as i could. My gyn-ob showed up with half a muffin to go (i had saved the best for last). Another internal check with no change: my cervix was paper thin, but closed. i was having a couple contractions every hour, but nothing worth breathing about. My ob-gyn opted to skip the full 12 hours of ripening and get the party started with Pitocin. i never did get to finish that other half of muffin.

He started with an amnio hook. The hope was if he could get through the tiny hole in my cervix, things would get started. He poked and prodded (mind you all of this is without a stitch of pain medication) and eventually broke my water. Tammy described it as clear with chunks. The chunks were meconium; Peanut had taken a dump, which was the first sign of distress. Everyone (from my ob-gyn, to the maternal-fetal monitoring nurse, to Ruth, Tammy and me), had hoped that my body would get things started (dilation) on its own, whether from all the cervical ripening, having my water break, or all the internal checks. i was fully effaced, but my cervix was still closed.

Then i had a gusher and lost a ton of amniotic fluid. Tammy tried to keep me calm and optimistic, making light of the mess i had made. She inserted a sort of catheter, which would act as an internal contraction monitor and served to replace the lost amniotic fluid (with a saline solution, i believe). It was one of those “get up on the bed with me and poke and prod and …” well frankly, it felt like she was trying to insert a tree trunk inside me, and very deep inside me, possibly poking through the tattoo on my back. She was incredibly proud when she was successful and couldn’t wait to tell the other L & D nurses of her achievement with the patient with the closed cervix. So went the end of my bathroom rights.

She opted not to start the Pitocin right away, since i had been manually manipulated so much, so frequently, again with the hope that my cervix would dilate on its own. We watched the monitors. Sure enough, my contractions came on every two to six minutes, but without regularity. el Jefe' made it back around this time. He got to witness another internal check. Tammy wanted to give me a sympathy 1, but the fact was my cervix was still closed. el Jefe' helped change my gown and some bedding, and change out the rolled up receiving blanket between my legs that acted as a pad to soak up the fluid coming out and going in. i got a dose of Demoral which didn’t do much for the pain (and humiliation) of the internal checks, but i did start to ask some stupid questions.

It was Pitocin on and off until after lunch time. el Jefe' kept changing my bedding and blankets out of the adjacent supply closet (but we began to run out of receiving blankets). He even offered to get me a bed pan (but didn’t know what one looked like). Sometimes Peanut was fine on the monitors, and sometimes not. It seemed like just when they were making progress with labor, Peanut would show some signs of distress, so they’d shut down the Pitocin.

My ob-gyn came by to see how things were progressing and recommended i have an epidural to prevent the agony of more internal checks (he actually described them as torture). For me, yes, they were torture and worse than contractions. Contractions have a limited duration and can be somewhat regular and predictable. Not so with the internal checks. i felt like they were inside me up to the elbow, and i was frustrated because we weren’t getting anywhere. i think we had passed the 17-hour mark (if you count the ripening). So yeah, bring on the epidural.

i guess i pissed off the anesthesiologist because i wanted to use a bed pan before the epidural. Dude, gimme a break. i’m actually asking to use a bed pan. Whatever. i got to use the bed pan, and i got my epidural. He did a good job because i only had two contractions during the insertions. i think he was still mad about the bed pan, though.

Once the epidural kicked in, Tammy went to work. Operation Dilation. Manual. She got me to a 4, which meant four fingers. Pitocin was still on and off. She had me lay on my left side for awhile. When Peanut wasn’t happy, they rolled me to my right side. When Peanut still wasn’t happy, they rolled me kind of onto my stomach in a running position (imagine this nine months pregnant). And when it was all said and done, they shut down the Pitocin.

Peanut’s heart rate actually slowed following the peaks of some contractions. They call it “facing” or “basing” or some word that rhymes with those. It’s not a good thing. Basically there were indications of distress, but without getting inside, they could not be sure what was causing the distress. Tammy set the stage for a possible C-section. Her fourth child was a C-section. She told el Jefe' i was going to need help at home. Period.

My ob-gyn came back and talked about a C-section as well. He and Tammy talked about the women with multiple page birthing plans. Although i assured them i was not one of those women, i honestly felt that sense of failure. But my ob-gyn left the decision to me, to us, with the caution that there were indications that Peanut was in distress. Roughly 20 hours into my hospital adventure, we opted for the surgical route. el Jefe' donned his cap, gown and booties … all i got was a cap.

There were pissing matches between the nurses over who would be with me through the C-section. Tammy stood firm that she would be there. No one knew who would assist my ob-gyn, but supposedly there was someone available. (i got his bill 8 days later … he does not accept Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield.) (These people actually use the Holiday Inn Express joke a lot, which isn’t funny when you’re the one having surgery.) And then the anesthesiologist that did my epidural was no where to be found (still holding the bed pan against me, no doubt), but they got a team together.

As we entered OR Number 1, they were playing Pink Floyd (comfortably numb). It made me smile. They asked el Jefe' to don his mask. They cranked more juice into my epidural site. They spread my arms like Jesus on the cross and draped me. They started at 6:01 pm. The chord was wrapped tightly around Peanut’s neck twice, and a third time around the shoulders. On Wednesday, May 30th, at 6:07 pm, they delivered our baby girl. i cried when they told me it was a girl. (i probably would’ve cried if it was a boy, too.)

Every child is unique. Every birthing experience is different. This was Lea’s story.

ramblings of ocurrences and preparations

2007-05-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

i'm all freaked out about fetal movements. last tuesday night, Peanut was break-dancing just as i laid down to go to bed, for about an hour. it was funny and unusual. and the next day, it seemed as though everything changed.

i t-boned someone in the parking lot at work; fortunately after i dropped Punkin off at school. the damage was cosmetic, and the guy didn't want to call the police ("we're on private property") or exchange insurance ("it's a work car and i don't have time"). frankly i was embarrassed. i think that part is over, but i thought about damage to the Peanut nonetheless.

el Jefe' took Abby into the vet that day. she hadn't eaten in 24 hours. they put her on an iv and did a lot of blood work. she came home on Saturday with a nearly $900 bill. will she live to see the Peanut? we've decided not to pursue life saving measures since she's so old, but we can't stand to watch her starve to death. it's a worry.

on thursday, i (and Peanut) scored a 9.5 out of 10 at fetal monitoring. my nurse reassured me that induction isn't so bad; i may dilate on my own; and besides, i'm experienced at delivering on pitocin. she also warned me that my greatest risk at my age is still birth. it's awful; it's real; and it's on my mind.

we started picking up some things for Peanut's arrival. el Jefe' wanted Peanut to have his or her own "home from the hospital" outfit. i thought that was sweet. we bought an outfit, some newborn pants and t-shirts, and i dug out Punkin's newborn clothes. we also bought Punkin a big brother t-shirt, a big brother book, and a potty book. i'm so worried this is going to be hard on him. i keep thinking these are our last days alone with him. and i keep regretting any minute that doesn't go wonderfully (plenty with a two-year-old).

we went jet-skiing at the lake for the last time yesterday. it was windy and crowded, and we risked getting stuck, but more than one "neighbor" offered to help. it wasn't a perfect day, but we went, and it will be our last.

el jefe' and i talked about delaying the move because there is potential we can't get Punkin in day care until August. no decisions. i think maybe we're preoccupied that we're having a baby on Tuesday or Wednesday.

the end is near: an e-mail to my family

2007-05-24T22:51:00.000-07:00

well, the end is near.

my due date is June 2, and Peanut has been in position for awhile now, and my cervix is thinning. however, my doctor is concerned that i have too much scar tissue on my cervix due to multiple procedures and surgeries past and there has been absolutely no change in the last 3 weeks. so the first 30 weeks of the pregnancy they were worried that the Peanut was going to fall out, and now it appears they'll have to intervene to get the Peanut out.

i'm scheduled to check in the hospital Tuesday night, May 29th, when they will start me on "cervical ripening". i have to stay at the hospital, but i'll be able to walk around and eat. after about 12 hours, they'll start me on pitocin. there's still a chance the ripening won't work, so when i'm in real active labor they'll put me on pain medication and cut my cervix. my monitoring nurse has been very optimistic that i won't have to be cut, and has tried to reassure me that i don't know anything different than delivery on pitocin (my water broke with Punkin, so that was the route they took) so atleast i have experience. it is a bit of a relief knowing that the wait is almost over.

i have not sent any ultrasounds because they've all been awful. el Jefe' says we're going to have a blurry baby. we know that the baby has a lot of hair, long legs, and very big feet. my doctor says Peanut is relatively small, probably under 7 lbs. i've gained 25 lbs and am carrying really low.

we had two groups come through our house yesterday with no warning from our realtor. el Jefe' was able to take Punkin to the park during one showing, but was in the middle of cooking fish tacos during the other. we had not had anyone through in a month, so he let them through. i'm sure they were scared off by the barking dog, screaming kid running around in his pull-up, and the stinky smell of fish. needless to say, the house has been on the market 3 months without an offer.

i did get excused from jury duty. i was supposed to report May 30th.

el Jefe' has been home the month of May, but does day trips North twice a week. most of them have been on our nickel. it has been very nice to be together as a family.

we just found out that Punkin is number 2 on the waiting list at daycare in the North; however they do not expect an opening until August. he and Peanut have been on this waiting list since FEBRUARY 2. Peanut is number 12 on the infant list, and should get in by the end of August/early September, which coincides pretty well with FMLA leave. we planned on moving about a month after Peanut is born ... planning on early July ... but the daycare thing may throw a wrench into that. we've talked about delaying the move, but el Jefe' really needs to be back up North, and we need to stop paying for all these flights, but i really suck at being a single mother. just another pothole along the road ...

we haven't quite coordinated the shift from the 1-bedroom apartment up North to the 2-bedroom. it gets even cozier. there is not a space for me in our Northern office; they have not signed the lease yet for the office expansion. i've been through moves and remodels with this company, so i'm guessing i won't have a desk until next year. so, the 2-bedroom apartment with 2 adults, 2 kids, and maybe 2 dogs will also be my place of employment for several months.

speaking of 2 dogs, Abby at 105 years old is hanging in there, but has been having a rough time of it. she has kidney and liver issues, and is currently at the vet's office until Saturday. she quit eating so they put her on an IV. she's doing a lot better, so we should be able to bring her home this weekend. we don't expect much longevity out of her, but she keeps proving us wrong.

i'm still at work full time, and will probably even go in on Tuesday.

i've got a project to submit final plans, specs, and estimate tomorrow. i've got to submit final specs on another project Tuesday. although i've really cleared my plate, i have several things lingering out there that are out of my control (traffic control plans up at Lake Tahoe, a change order for a parking lot out at Lake Mead, and the interim paving package for the Hoover Dam Bypass, etc.) but i can only do so much. i'm clearly not the picture of glowing motherhood, but i just have too much going on right now.

or Peanut could show up tomorrow.

hope you all are well and your lives have more of a sense of normalcy.
we'll keep you updated.

love to all -- psoup.

we have a plan

2007-05-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

i'm still at 171 or 172 lbs. my blood pressure is good at 121 over 75. and we have a plan.

my gyn ob is recommending "cervical ripening" (el Jefe' made comments about a mango ... rather appropriate). i asked if it was like an enema. he described it as medication on gauze that is applied topically, although internally. i'll be at the hospital, but i can eat and walk around. after about 12 hours, they'll induce me with pitocin. hooray. and if my cervix doesn't cooperate, in the immortal words of my Mormon coworker, "they have drugs for that." my ob gyn describes them as good pain relief for when he cuts my cervix. isn't that a pleasant thought? makes you look forward to the episiotomy, too.

he suggested we do it in the next five days, but i negotiated for the Holiday weekend.

so Tuesday, May 29th, i check in to the hospital at 8:00 pm.

unless Peanut decides to show up sooner, that's the plan.

for just one more weekend

2007-05-21T05:25:00.000-07:00

so i'm torn between moving on with my life, our lives, with a new baby, and hanging in there uncomfortable, sore swollen feet, gagging on acid, waddling, exhausted all the time for just one more weekend. that being Memorial Day weekend, a three-day weekend for those of us in the working world (non-government employees) who have made it through Holiday drought since January.

i got a little spoiled the past two weeks. i told el Jefe' that no matter my condition, and no matter what my ob-gyn says, i wanted to go to the lake and ride our Jet Skis one last time. riding Jet Skis at the lake (the-largest-man-made-body-of-water-in-the-continental-United-States lake) has been part of our lives since summer 1998. just the two of us, or the whole family, or with friends and moochers, we've had countless hours of fun and enjoyment. we've toured, we've putted around, we've tubed, we've skiied, we've wake boarded, and it has been a blast.

so the past two weekends, we've spent a couple hours at the lake. the Saturday before Mother's Day, we could only get the red ski started, but el Jefe' and i took turns with Punkin, and even went for a family ride as a three-some. the red ski is a three-seater, capable of towing, and as stable as can be ... kind of like an SUV. we never got over 25 mph, but we had a great day.

yesterday, after el Jefe' purchased a new battery for the yellow ski, we went again. Punkin rode with his daddy for the first time on the yellow ski yesterday. the yellow ski has the same engine (1100 cc) and horsepower (120) as the red ski, but it's only a two-seater; definately the sports car among the two. we took a longer ride and went to the Dam. Punkin waved at sailboats and the big paddlewheel boat. and i hauled my gut onto the yellow ski for a short solo run, never went much over 20 mph, but told el Jefe' that one single short ride was worth the price of the battery.

the Jet Skis and trailer are for sale due to too many environmental restrictions up North. i feel like every ride is my last; the end of an era. we have vowed to continue this past-time when we move. but for now, if i could, i would like to have just one more weekend at the lake with my family.

i'm still pregnant

2007-05-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

i'm still pregnant.

i've gained 25 lbs. my blood pressure is good. i've scored a 10 at monitoring sessions the past two weeks. and i've passed the duration i was pregnant with Punkin (37 weeks 3 days). my gyn ob has discussed the need to cut my cervix at my last two appointments. he has mentioned "good pain relief" both times. i wanted to go all natural, just to say i did, because i think i have a high tolerance for pain, because i didn't get the option with Punkin (my water broke and i was on Pitocin for 12 hours without dilating), but i guess that's not part of the plan. not like you get a gold medal, anyway.

i've got less than two weeks to go (i'm still not considering going over my due date, which i guess is a possibility.) el Jefe' is finally through the name book, but that doesn't mean we have any front runners. Peanut works just fine, right?

i didn't remove my engagement ring until i was in labor and delivery with Punkin. it's been off for a week now. i don't remember distinct elbows or karate kicks from the inside coming from Punkin, but apparently Peanut is a budding martial artist. i don't remember feeling as though the life force was sucked out of me (especially on weekends). i don't remember having such a hard time wiping my ass.

so sure, i'd like to be done with this part, but the thought of the next parts (Punkin while we're at the hospital, a new baby, breastfeeding, packing, and relocating 9 hours away) are a little more than i can fathom right now.

another day

2007-05-14T05:22:00.000-07:00

we sucked at bocce ball. not really, we just lost two games right out of the chute, so we were doubly eliminated. no matter; we had fun. and eventually el Jefe' and i celebrated the anniversary of sorts.

thursday i felt awful. i have several coworkers who have been sick for weeks. upper respiratory. i felt a scratchy throat, and feverish, and a debilitating sense of exhaustion. it took everything i had to get Punkin to school. but somehow, i hung in there through the day. i was going to ask el Jefe' to cancel his day trip up North on Friday, but his meeting got cancelled so his trip was cancelled anyway. that was a relief.

thursday evening, my boss told me he has been reassigned. kind of a demotion. an undefined position (doesn't that sound familiar?) but they didn't fire him. i should've taken him for drinks and commiserated with him, but i'm not much fun in a bar these days. he made some comment how it didn't matter to me since i am having a baby. no, i told him, the baby just keeps me from worrying much about my career these days. it has been coming for months, and something needed to happen for months, and it finally did. his interim replacement got his graduate degree the year i was born. you could say he has some experience.

friday i backed my car into a trailer at Starbucks. pregnant women should not be allowed to drive. my own fault, my own stupidity. i swear, some of the panel pieces on my car are made out of paper. whatever. the damage is cosmetic. work was filled with lots of talk about my boss's interim replacement. oh, and i sent in the paperwork from my doctor to get me out of jury duty. that actually was a relief. or maybe my boss getting reassigned was a relief. i just felt better.

saturday we went jet skiing at the lake. we've been talking about it for a couple weeks. i know it was against doctor's orders, but it was important to me. removing and replacing the registration stickers made me sad. this activity has been a huge part of our lives for nine years. one ski needs a new battery so it didn't start. still, we all had a good day, and el Jefe' and i got sunburned (we're still feeling it).

Punkin spent saturday night throwing up. sunday was Mother's Day ( i got new jammies, perfume, and shampoo). and today's another day.

doctor's orders

2007-05-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

another visit (weekly) to the ob-gyn. i'm at 36 weeks and a couple days. still 170 pounds, with a good blood pressure of 120/72. i'm tired and my feet hurt. the Peanut's head is not engaged, and my cervix is still "way back there". walk or have sex: doctor's orders.

i'm starting to wrap things up at work. i have two projects due at the end of the month that i have the feeling i'm not going to be able to sign. and it doesn't bother me. i've done more than my fair share, and it's time to move on.

el Jefe', Punkin, and i did the 5K walk for Race for the Cure on Saturday. this was Punkin's third year of participation. he got a giant popsicle, a very cool t-shirt that is finally a kid's size, and we all had a good lunch (brunch) afterwards. i'm glad we didn't miss it.

on Sunday, i bowled three games for Corporate Challenge. our team of five varies from year to year, but three of us have bowled together consistently for the past five years (or something like that). our Captain (a former professional bowler) and i carried the team even though we are both women. i bowled well for me: 152, 182, and 136. several people, both men and women, wished they were pregnant so they could bowl better. every pin was work, but again, i'm glad i didn't miss it this year.

tonight is Corporate Challenge Bocce. again, i've been the Captain for a number of years. this one is particularly special and near and dear to my heart, not because i've got a silver medal from years and years ago. it's special because it marks the fourth anniversary of Punkin's conception. we weren't trying, and we just never thought it would happen. i came home tipsy (i did not have a 12-pack of Foster's as el Jefe' tells the story, but i did have plenty) and el Jefe' and i made passionate love, and we didn't take any precautions. now we have one terrific little boy who is 28-months old today.

maybe el Jefe' and i will try to get labor started tonight. for old times' sake.

are you feelin' lucky?

2007-05-07T05:23:00.000-07:00

so much to tell, yet my latest challenge takes the cake.

i'm 42. i'm in my ninth month of pregnancy, feasibly overcoming my age and cevical incompetancy risk factors. we don't have a name for the baby (other than Peanut). i work full-time outside the home in a career that i find unrewarding. my husband got a promotion nearly four months ago, and has been spending quite a bit of time over 400 miles away in a one-bedroom apartment. our home has been on the market, for sale, nearly three months without an offer. after the baby is born, we will relocate North, over 400 miles away. our two-year-old Punkin has been on a waiting list at day care in the North for over four months, with two more months to go. it will be two adults, two kids, and two dogs in a two-bedroom apartment (we have yet to sign a lease). one of the dogs is incontinent and 105 years old. i will transfer to an office with no physical space for me, so the two-bedroom apartment will serve yet another function ... my place of employment. i have no definitive job description or duties when i transfer North. i will be leaving behind my parents, aged 71 and 82, probably at a time when they need assistance most. we are looking at a potential IRS audit for the tax year 2005.

i got a jury summons in the mail for the end of May. four days shy of my due date.

what if

2007-05-04T05:26:00.000-07:00

the traffic through our house in the South seems to be tapering off. i honestly don't know if anyone has been through the house in the past two weeks (tapering off to nothing). there are a ton of homes in the Valley on the market; the problem is excess inventory. but the only way i know to get some more interest is to lower the price. no matter what we'll make money. but it truly is an exercise in patience. we don't want to give it away. we want to protect our investment. but when do we say when? and how much is it going to take to find a buyer who will make an offer?

we've held off on scheduling the upgrade to the two bedroom apartment up North. what if only a third floor apartment is available? worse yet, what if there isn't one available? how many months will we be paying rent in the North and a mortgage in the South? yes, we've considered a renter in the South, but i'm worried about the liability of the pool. and the condition of the house. and then there's a down payment that would decimate our savings and we'd be taking on a mortgage more than double what we have now.

my work is basically handled. i have loose ends to tie up, but i've got enough back up plans in place that they can survive without me (and they will). el Jefe's employer is being relatively flexible ... he's a good employee and has not asked for any out-of-the-question concessions. that part of our lives is taken care of. (does it say something about ourselves that our own lives, our home lives, are not?)

i really haven't considered going over the Peanut's due date of June 2nd (May 33rd). early June, or really late May, seemed like a good time ... spend our last month, the month of June, in the South and relocate North at the beginning of July (maybe take advantage of a July 4th Holiday?). if the Peanut is late, and since my gyn-ob thinks i'm small, maybe he wants more baking time, the schedule shifts ... maybe a little less convenient?

and the big one ... what if Peanut is not the picture of health?

long and winding road

2007-05-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

after a one week hiatus, i went to the gyn-ob on Tuesday. a whopping 170 lbs, with a decent blood pressure of 125/70. my weight gain is still ok ... i'm just a bit disgusted that i started out so heavy. the Peanut is not in position. my cervix is "way back there". i am small (or the Peanut is small). ya know, these are not very comforting statements.

when i was pregnant with the Punkin, i heard how large his head was at nearly every ultrasound (which is a lot when you are old and have the risk of an incompetant cervix). this time i've heard how large the Peanut's feet are, and how long and crooked the birth canal is. is it better not to know these things?

guess who's coming to dinner?

2007-05-01T05:09:00.000-07:00

so my brother-in-law, the eldest's husband, got a letter from the IRS about owing back taxes from 2005 on rental property in Hawaii. fortunately, in his case, it is not identity theft. unfortunately, in my case, it is our rental property in Hawaii.

my parents named us all with the same first initial. i think they thought it was cute, especially having three girls. we were like little show ponies, and it really is quite sickening. the same first initial causing stuttering when aggravated. and they often go through the list of names, including the dog (who has a different first initial), in an attempt to exclaim the right name. coupled with this is the fact that they applied for our social security numbers all at the same time, and even though there are 6 years separating the 3 of us, we have consecutive numbers (appropriately mine is the smallest, middle has the middle, and the eldest has the largest).

so it could be the initials, or the proximity of the social security number, but it looks like we stand a very good chance of getting audited. it will most likely be the day the movers show up.

"sure, Agent Pain-in-the-Ass, the 2005 tax forms are in that box, that looks just like the other 150 boxes. do you mind breastfeeding this baby while i change Punkin's poopy diaper (with corn in it!)? oh look, here come some potential buyers of our house without an appointment ... maybe you can make sure the crippled one doesn't fall down the stairs? oh, and don't mind that wet spot ... it's just from the 105-year-old incontinent dog. sorry, el Jefe' couldn't be here. he had to drive 8 hours North to switch apartments, pay another deposit, and hump furniture alone across the parking lot because we don't know anyone up North and my family is worthless. we've paid taxes on this money several times ... that's the Hawaii way ... but we still owe you money? not just from 2005, but 2003 and 2004, too? oh here, let me write you a check. it's no problem at all because even though my company doesn't have maternity leave (or an office or cube for me to transfer to), i get 4 whole weeks at 66 2/3 pay. we've been running two households since February. hell, take Punkin's savings account while you're at it."

so with the Peanut, i am not concerned about consecutive social security numbers. but in terms of a name, i've omitted three letters from the alphabet (the first initial of my name, el Jefe's, and Punkin's). wow, it just doesn't get any easier than that.

dodging bullets

2007-04-30T05:39:00.000-07:00

el Jefe' drove his Jeep Cherokee with 95,000 miles on it home on Saturday. it is a huge relief to have him home, even if he will be making day trips North a couple days a week. day trips are do-able. he's only a couple hours away. overnights are scarey; the last flight is at 10:00 pm; the first flight is at 6:00 am, and the drive is about 8 hours.

so we dodged that bullet, the "go into labor" bullet when the husband is over 400 miles away.

it's kind of like a saloon gun fight scene from an old spaghetti western. people shooting, and guys rolling under tables and diving over the bar for cover. broken glass and spilled alcohol everywhere, but nobody seems fatally hurt.

bullet No. 2: i did not come home to a dead dog in the past two months. it was a real possibility. how would i explain it to Punkin? how would i move her body, and where would i put it until i could take her to the vet to get her cremated? she's 105; she's incontinent; and her insides are a wreck (judging by the vet bills over the past two months) but she's still kicking. we used to think Abby wouldn't make the trip up North. looks like she's proving us wrong.

bullet No. 2.5: nothing seriously went wrong with the house while el Jefe' was gone. i am quite handy, but am somewhat limited due to my "delicate" condition. (this is all so "knock on wood".) our appliances didn't spontaneously burst into flames, or any of those emergency catastrophes that require immediate attention, muscle, and exorbitant amounts of cash in the past two months.

bullet No. 3: it does not appear my parents will be moving North anytime soon. it is not that i don't want them there; it would be so much easier to hop in the car and help if they need something, instead of flying or driving 8 hours in an emergency. i want them to make an informed choice for the right reasons. they looked at ONE retirement community. my mother actually said the homes were "lovely". they would downsize a bit. but it's a smaller community, and prices have risen drastically in the past 7 years, and it snows up North (duh). Paw Paw said they would only move there if we bought a house in the companion non-age-restricted community, where prices START $200,000 MORE than we are willing to spend. and it's not in an area conducive to either of our commutes.

so we're rolling and diving, and getting dirty and a little soaked in alcohol, but we don't have any mortal wounds. but there is that call i got on Saturday from a brother-in-law about a potential IRS audit ... ping!

growing old together

2007-04-27T05:36:00.000-07:00

yesterday was el Jefe's 46th birthday. i realized he is getting closer to 50 than 40. i'm four years behind, but it is an astonishing prospect to be parents to two kids who aren't even teenagers when we're in our 50's. yikes.

he flew home yesterday morning and worked out of his Southern office. it's a crazy week for him. he flew North Sunday night, South Tuesday morning, North Wednesday morning, South Thursday morning, and North this morning (Friday). he's driving his Jeep Cherokee back South Saturday morning as he will be based out of the South the month of May in case the Peanut makes an early appearance.

his gifts weren't extravagant. i forgot to have Punkin scribble crayons on his card. i didn't even take him out to dinner. not even a cake. but that's the way the years has gone. thank goodness Punkin's birthday was before the chaos of the promotion and relocation. the rest of our events thus far have kind of fallen by the wayside (our anniversary, my birthday, and now his). i see this trend continuing through Mother's Day and Father's Day. maybe into the fall? hopefully not Christmas. oh well.

el Jefe' said the best present of all was being able to spend his birthday with his family. is it any wonder why i love this man?

without a paddle

2007-04-25T05:05:00.000-07:00

did i mention my parents stated they would move North as well?

they began their journey on Sunday, opting to drive for 9 hours instead of taking the hour and 10 minute flight. that is something i will never understand. i don't know if it is the cost or a fear of flying. growing up, we rarely flew anywhere. my first airplane ride was to Germany (can't drive there!) when i was in the third grade. we even drove to Mexico (Acapulco, not just across the border) on one or two occasions. Paw Paw does all the driving. neither is a good driver. and el Jefe' reported on Monday that Paw Paw got a speeding ticket.

North is very different from South. it's more than the weather. it's population, elevation, and just the way of life. higher elevation, less population, and fewer established amenities. my parents have a large home in a retirement community. it is upscale, and their tastes are reflected quite differently than ours. lots of brass, oriental rugs, crystal chandeliers ... the middle describes every ceiling fan as something that fell off a Home Depot semi. they use china, and crystal, and real silverware. of course there is a difference due to their age and generation. our realtor, Linda, says there are only two retirement communities up North. there are two within 10 miles of our home in the South, and both are more upscale than the ones available in the North. i think they are going to be disappointed. as of Monday, el Jefe' reported Nonna was ready to come home.

el Jefe' and i attended a prepared childbirth refresher course yesterday evening. Punkin's godmother (Lola) and her 23-year-old daughter Courtney spent the evening with Punkin (notice my parents were conveniently out of town when we needed assistance?). my greatest worry is who is going to watch Punkin while i'm in labor. there is a part of me that thinks, and hopes it goes fast to limit our time apart from Punkin. and Lola and Courtney are on board if it's on a weekend. but they have jobs, and it is a little much to ask of them to miss work.

Paw Paw is 82 and has NEVER changed a diaper. ever. Nonna is 72 and has never changed one of Punkin's diapers. they'll have trouble with the stairs in our house. we worry that they won't or can't keep a constant eye on Punkin. they aren't conditioned to wake up from a nap at the sound of a pin drop. and there is too much for him to destroy at their house.

i learned over 20 years ago to ask for very little from my parents. help, whether physical or financial, comes with far too many strings attached. but now i'm left empty handed, no tools in the tool box for this one.

out of time

2007-04-23T05:29:00.000-07:00

for a brief while, i would joke that my due date was May 33rd instead of June 2. June seemed so far away. and i kept thinking i would get so much done in the month of May. Yes, Punkin was born in the midst of my 37th week, and second babies can come sooner, but they can come later as well. it's starting to sink in; and it's starting to scare me.

i fell apart Friday afternoon. i just hit the wall and couldn't push myself forward anymore. i spent the last hour of work downloading house listings from the North, thinking it was something el Jefe' and i could discuss this weekend. (fat chance). i left to pick up Punkin, and we went to the airport to pick up el Jefe'.

i had good intentions about going to volleyball. i packed some clothes for el Jefe', and brought a cooler with a couple of fake beers, and Punkin's stroller. but the exhaustion kicked in full force, and i could not fight the overwhelming urge to lay down. i started to cry. i felt i had let down our friends. Punkin wanted to go to the park where we play volleyball. i felt i let him down, too. we ended up spending the evening at home. Punkin and el Jefe' even left me alone while they went to get burgers for dinner. i napped intermittently.

i had a horrible fear that i would go into labor this weekend without even considering a name for the Peanut. i at least got through girls names this weekend. rather like house hunting up North, nothing is a stand out, but it's a start.

i had a couple contractions this weekend. maybe it's Braxton Hicks, or maybe we're getting ready to throw our chaotic lives into another tizzy.

i bowled three games on Sunday (a practice session for Corporate Challenge). it was supposed to be a try-out, but only 4 of us showed up. i also worry that i will be in labor the day of the event. i'm going to get some back-up. i was glad to have the opportunity to practice. i didn't know how it would go, being shaped like an oompah loompah and all. i actually did pretty well (142, 126, 136 or something like that). and it was kind of fun.

el Jefe' went back North for a day or so. i made him carry a free ticket with him just in case he needs to immediately catch a flight. Punkin burst into tears and was inconsolable after we dropped el Jefe' off at the airport for most of the drive back home. he says he wants to go to the apartment and he wants to go up North. again, i feel like i'm letting him down. he's going to miss his friends, our friends, Nonna and Paw Paw (and Gabbie) and his teachers. he's only two and it breaks my heart.

i had a dream last night that el Jefe' could not get back while i went into labor. in the dream, the nurses left instructions to put Punkin in a cab. a cab to where?

i came to the conclusion i am not the picture of a glowing happy pregnancy. i don't think if things were less complicated i would behave any differently; i would just have a new list to worry about. it could really be just a couple weeks. and frankly, i'm not ready.

here come the tears

2007-04-18T05:13:00.000-07:00

so the uncontrollable crying started yesterday. it started due to a bad day, a bad mood. i took diapers and pull-ups into Punkin's classroom. the cabinet door was screwed shut so there was no place to put them. there were 18 or 19 kids in toddlers and twos (two teachers, so they were barely met the prescribed ratio). and the director was sending in the kitchen lady as reinforcement. hurray.

i had a gyn-ob appointment. i was a little late, so the waiting room was full. full of expectant moms, and their significant others. one other was sleeping on the couch. i was the oldest woman in the wating room who wasn't on hormone therapy. i was one of two women in the waiting room without a spouse. i was the only pregnant woman in the waiting room wearing clothes suitable for a job outside the home (who wasn't wearing shorts and flip flops). it did nothing for my self esteem.

my stats were 167 pounds with a blood pressure of 118/69. so i've gained a total of 20 pounds at 33 weeks. i went into the restroom to pee in a cup and the thought crossed my head that i'm doing nearly everything right, and i started to cry. the numbers are right, but i don't feel like i'm doing a good job. and then someone tried to open the door to interrupt my pee in a cup session twice. as i exited, i thought, "you aren't any more pregnant than me. you can wait." no sympathy from me, especially when i have to go back to work to get ready for a public meeting this evening and you can go home and watch Oprah. (not that i want to watch Oprah; it's just an example.)

i read about the ring for birth control on a poster in the exam room. and i started to cry again. i forgot my paperwork for FMLA and STD (short term disability, not sexually transmitted disease). Peanut's heart rate is good. although i measure a little small, the Peanut is good-sized at 4 lbs 4 oz last week. my gyn-ob cancelled my appointment for next week, but said i'm going to have a baby in the next 3 to 6 weeks. we don't have a name, and it doesn't seem real.

time is running out interms of getting everything done before the Peanut arrives. i am struggling to meet my work committments. i was nearly late to the public meeting (they started early) but i had the easels and displays. so fire me.

Punkin's godmother is going to watch him next week while we go to a childbirth refresher course. the uncontrollable crying is right on schedule; i cried through nearly all of the childbirth class when i was pregnant with Punkin. i suggested to el Jefe' we all get together this weekend so that goes a little smoother. Punkin says nearly daily that he doesn't want to go to Romper Room (where he spends an hour while i swim when el Jefe' is up North). i feel bad that he says that. el Jefe' says Punkin probably won't have to go anymore with his work/travel schedule. but i just feel bad that i can't keep up, that i'm not ready, and that my one hour of swimming a day or two a week has left such a negative impression on my son.

and we can't reschedule a new baby.

wallowing in self pity

2007-04-17T05:28:00.000-07:00

i'm up at 4:30 am most mornings, but i can't get my kid to school until after 8:00 am. i can't get dinner on the table until 7:30 pm (we shoot for 8:00 pm bedtime for Punkin, but it's more like 8:30 pm with me). what's wrong with this picture?

no one has given me a hard time. it is self-induced. i have co-workers that understand, that recognize i am a part-time single parent who's 8-months pregnant. el Jefe' acknowledges i'm doing the best i can. but i'm back to feeling like a shitty mom and a shitty engineer.

i have deadlines at work that i am barely meeting. i have a public meeting tonight and we are still preparing our exhibits. i think i have a traffic control submittal due on Friday and i haven't seen the drawings for the past two weeks. i have a cost proposal due on Friday for a project that is supposed to be complete August 31 (not a lot of lead time). i have final specs due April 30th that i effectively haven't touched in a month. and i have to finalize the stupid arterial job to bid documents before i go on leave. oh, and i'm being pressed to find a replacement for my parking lot job because it is supposed to finalize at the end of August as well. fire me. it's not like i'm getting a lot of satisfaction and reward from my job and career lately.

some friends from volleyball want to throw us a baby shower/winning season/congrats on your promotion/moving party. i feel bad about the baby shower. we make more money than all of these friends, and they threw us a wonderful shower for Punkin. we are frugal and have saved nearly everything. the only things we need for the Peanut are a new infant car seat, a new diaper bag, and a name. both el Jefe' and i want to focus on the championship volleyball season last fall. i'd like to celebrate el Jefe's promotion, and moving, well, it could be a lot worse. timing is an issue. el Jefe' drives back a the end of April. first week of May is a work conference, Race for the Cure, some corporate challenge stuff and Cinco de Mayo. second weekend in May is Mother's Day. and with a due date of June 2 (May 33rd) i'll be in my last month, when anything can happen. so with all of that, i feel like a shitty friend, too.

i squirted tuna juice all over my front making dinner last night. i bashed into a pseudo tupperware cake cover that Punkin uses as a step stool and bruised the top of my foot (and kicked said cake cover across the room). i just about pee'd my pants i was so frustrated and angry. so i went into the bathroom and cried. Punkin watched, and followed, and stood there helpless. Punkin didn't get any fruit last night, and we didn't read any books.

and there are so many worse things in the world.

everything's coming up dandelions

2007-04-16T05:36:00.000-07:00

my friday the 13th got better or worse, depending on your perspective. i broke a coffee cup that i have been using at work for the past 15 years. it was a departure gift from my co-worker at the DOT (who is now in something like the number 2 position? and i'm just a schmuck) who also was a student in college with me. i don't have much memorabilia from my college days, so it definitely had some sentimental value. i didn't have a lot of fun in college, and for the most part i write off my past, but still, it was a loss.

Punkin's woobie was recovered, though! his teacher had stashed it during painting. we traveled up North with both woobies. that was a good thing.

i solo'd with Punkin coming and going this weekend. that meant taking the dogs to the vet/kennel solo as well. Punkin ends up short on his nap (he gets one, but not enough), but is very entertained by looking out the airplane window. on both trips we have had very little waiting time at the gate, partly because i have cut the time so close, and then we get to preboard. no one got hurt, so it was a relative success story.

the worst of it is a lingering depression. i don't look forward to being alone with Punkin. i can manage his basic needs, but he seems to have more fun with el Jefe'. and he is very sad when el Jefe' is gone. this is just temporary, and for the next couple months it is only a couple days a week. but Punkin misses el Jefe' (and i do, too.)

we saw some good houses this weekend. nothing we both fell in love with, but that's ok because we did not have a single soul go through our house in the South while i was gone for the weekend. we want to settle down when this is all said and done, and the prospect of the two bedroom apartment with two kids and two dogs is very real. and it's a minimum of $1,200 down the toilet each month until the house in the South sells. so it's financial worry, too.

and as much as i haven't pressed the issue at work, my transfer is still undefined. there are hints that my company will not cover relocation. i am initiating the transfer, so i should cover the costs. i wouldn't complain, but i know of countless employees who left our office to go to other offices in other states with the company, for personal reasons, who were well compensated. so i don't have a position, and i don't have a physical space to relocate to (work or home for that matter), and i don't have a lot of financial support from my employer. talk about career planning ...

losin' it

2007-04-13T05:38:00.000-07:00

i lost a bracelet on Monday. i'm not big on jewelry, mainly because i don't change it or take it off regularly. el Jefe' has purchased me some wonderful earrings, but i tend to wear the same pair day after day. he gave me an awesome thumb ring for my birthday; it has become part of my standard wardrobe. that, and my wedding ring. i wore bracelets late in my pregnancy with the Punkin. they were gifts, and made me feel a little more feminine, or prettier. i don't remember when i stopped wearing them, but i started up again about a year ago (after i exchanged a pair of earrings from el Jefe' for a bracelet for our anniversary).

anyway, i lost a bracelet on Monday. it was relatively thin, plain, white gold, with a hinge (not a chain). of course it was a gift from el Jefe'; i believe an anniversary gift. it wasn't extremely valuable, but it was invaluable because of the sentimental value, and because it is very difficult to believe you are even slightly attractive when you are shaped like an oompah loompah. i remember putting it on in the morning. i noticed it missing when i was taking off my jewelry to go swimming (in the car, so that narrows down the places it could be). still, it is lost.

i had a growth ultrasound on Tuesday. everything looks good with the Peanut, who is estimated at 4 pounds, 4 ounces. i was at 32 weeks, 3 days. my next appointment with the maternal/fetal specialist is at 37 weeks for fetal monitoring. Punkin was born at 37 1/2 weeks, so they joked that they might not even see me. some joke.

i went to a "marketing" dinner as part of a conference Wednesday night. you could say i had the equivalent of a pregnant woman's bender. i had cranberry juice and pineapple juice at the hosted bar. woo hoo. i went to dinner with 12 extremely nice people. the restaurant was struggling, and we weren't served until two hours after our reservation. i didn't get home until 10:45 pm (way past my bedtime). i've been more than beat this week, and that topped it off. i have another conference the first week in May. i'm dreading it. i'm too old for this.

Punkin pee'd on the big potty for the first time (in my presence) yesterday morning! he did so well. el Jefe' mentioned they have been talking about it at school, and they are working with him. unfortunately when i dropped him off (with his woobie) yesterday, the woman from the kitchen was watching his class. she's not a teacher, and she barely speaks English. she has a "survival" personality with the kids, and well, i doubt she would get it if i asked her to work with Punkin on potty training. when she's there first thing in the morning, Punkin typically doesn't have a good day. well, we don't know what happened, but his school wobbie is missing. lost. awol. thank goodness we have one at home, but this is serious.

last night after el Jefe' left for the airport, home woobie was missing. i scoured the house, upstairs and downstairs. Punkin asked, but didn't help much. turns out home woobie was in the garage. (the garage!)

how i would love for this Friday the 13th to bring a bracelet and a woobie home to their rightful owners.

mission accomplishments

2007-04-09T05:13:00.000-07:00

April may be off to a slow start in terms of blogging frequency, but man! have i gotten a lot done.

my company awards celebration was a major milestone. 5 months of work, while very rewarding, 95% is on my own time. (95% of very little is not very much.)

we finished filing this weekend! i started the filing (piling) process Saturday morning. after an hour and a half it was apparent my belly was in the way and it was about the least comfortable thing i could do. el Jefe' took over. i gave him some space and took Punkin to the grocery store and Borders. he needed the space because we piled receipts and statements in the loft which is very open and airy (visible to all, and no door); when Punkin first saw it he said, "Somebody made a mess" and proceded to try to "help" clean it up.

and, we finished our taxes! normally it is at least a two weekend ordeal, and normally a twelve pack of beer is involved. of course i bitched and moaned (Paperwork Reduction Act my ass) and (boy do i have some suggestions for making the form easier) but i kept it to a minimum. we seriously were considering filing for an extension, especially since the Punkin and i are making our last trip North (for awhile) this coming weekend to look at more houses that we can't buy. i don't believe i've ever filed for an extension. it's not so bad, but really an indication that the first quarter of 2007 flew past without a breather.

we colored eggs on Saturday with a kit that was probably 9 years old. when we first moved into our home, my stepdaughter was supposed to visit for Easter/Spring Break. el Jefe's divorce decree states that he must provide a separate bathroom for his daughter, and that wasn't possible until we moved into this house. her mother fucked up the trip (a pattern we are forever dealing with) and the flights went unused. the excuse was she was going to an Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn, and that would be the last year she would appreciate it, and the fact is they never made the Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn because they couldn't wake up on time to get there. (yes, i am bitter.) so we put the coloring kit to good use with Punkin. it was a tie-dye kit and it rocked! unfortunately, coloring eggs is probably a traumatic experience for Punkin because he fell off a full size kitchen chair twice onto the tiled floor. he shook it off fairly quickly, but it shook me up the whole weekend.

oh, and that tumble down the stairs (ass over tea kettle) when el Jefe' went to grab him, but his shirt got caught on the banister, so it appeared he hesitated and stood there helpless.

did i forget to mention going to the emergency room is not part of the plan?

the sentiment is "why bother?"

2007-04-05T05:09:00.000-07:00

my company employee recognition awards celebration was a relative success on Monday. i was one of the first to arrive at the Cheesecake Factory, and told the servers i needed to order first being that i am pregnant, the world's slowest eater, and had a major speaking role in the festivities. i wasn't served first, but i wasn't served last. i ordered water three times before it arrived (with dessert?). the service i received was not worthy of an automatic 18% gratuity, but i think i was the minority among the nearly 50 attendees. the president of my company arrived via corporate jet, made his first visit to our office in the 9 years i have worked for the company, and brought along the super-dooper award winner's director (who actually hired her, which is pretty cool). a couple people said "thanks". and of course a couple complained.

my latest stats from my Tuesday appointment with the ob-gyn were tonnage at 166 lbs and a good blood pressure of 118/71. i was at 31 weeks and 3 days, and the Peanut's femur measured at 31 weeks 2 days. again, everything is nearly "perfect". my epiphany is that pregnancy is just a pain in the ass; and it's the first year that really worries and frightens me (and i have to admit i dread a little).

i obsessed Tuesday evening through Wednesday. see, i forgot to flush the powder room toilet and of course we had someone come look at the house. it was just pee with paper and even though el Jefe' was home Tuesday night, and Punkin loves to put toilet paper in the potty, i'm certain it was my fault. (besides, Punkin like to flush, too). then i realized if someone isn't going to buy our house because i forgot to flush the toilet, chances are they aren't go to buy this house at all.

and another classic stupid moment for mommy: Punkin and i got home kind of late (for coming straight home, not late for either of us going swimming). i got close to the house and noticed someone had parked out front. it apeared the key was out of the lock box. so, i figured the house was being shown, (again!) (yet unbeknownst to me, but that happens a lot) detoured a block, and unloaded Punkin to go play in our neighborhood park. Punkin and i sat at a picnic table, he climbed and went down the slide several times, he crawled across the whole park twice pretending to be a doggie, he got to pet one friendly doggie (out of two), he took a tumble from the top of the picnic table all the way to the ground, and he cried and he hit and he swore when it was time to go. and it was not a potential buyer parked out front, so dinner was late, and bath night was late (and Punkin's bath water was the nastiest it has ever been).

i stayed up past 11 pm downloading and map-questing houses up North from Linda. nothing looks like a "wow" on paper, but the "must-see"s last weekend weren't even shortlisted, and the shortlisted houses weren't "wow"s on paper.

still, i'm having trouble getting things accomplished at work; we haven't gotten an offer on our house; we haven't narrowed down a neighborhood up North; and we aren't going to file our taxes on time (but we are filing for an extension). fortunately i do not have any income from this blog to declare. gee, i wonder why.

new (used) homes

2007-04-01T05:12:00.000-07:00

in case i failed to mention my stats from my last ob-gyn appointment, i'm at 164 lbs with a blood pressure of 116 over 69. 30 weeks, and the Peanut should be at 3 lbs. i'm on track for "perfect" weight gain. it sure doesn't seem that way.

El Jefe' flew in Wednesday night. he had a couple meetings as an excuse for the trip, when in reality he was helping me fly with Punkin for a house hunting trip up North. my excuse(s) for the trip were a dinner where a major client was the featured speaker, and the Northern celebration of our company awards program on Friday. Punkin was thrilled to see his Daddy, and kept talking about going North (even to his teachers at school). despite the hustle and bustle, a missed nap, and a soaked diaper, we accomplished our goals without going to the emergency room ... which is not part of the plan.

we met our Northern realtor, Linda, on Friday afternoon and looked at 5 houses. it wasn't quite as easy as it sounds when you consider transferring Punkin's car seat into another vehicle, and chasing Punkin around unfamiliar homes and yards. maybe a misplaced nick-nack, and a destroyed Lego creation, but nobody got hurt. Saturday included 7 houses. more in store today.

the first house was built in the 50's. some of the original fixtures were retained. it was a 3-bedroom with an office with the laundry room in the closet of said office. still, it stayed high on the list for quite sometime. we ended the day in a hilly area, which charmed el Jefe' and me. we both agreed we liked the location, but the houses started to melt together, and no one property had everything we were looking for.

el Jefe' wants a fireplace (or two). sounds trivial to some, but our house in the South where temperatures can exceed triple digits from the end of May through September has two fireplaces. we enjoy them in the winter months. that's just who we are. Linda won his heart on Saturday when she said, "You're paying $489,000. You should have a fireplace if you want one." well put.

i say i want four bedrooms. Master, Punkin, Peanut and guest. i guess at this stage of the game, not knowing Peanut's sex is highly influencing my request. if she's a girl, she can bunk with Punkin for awhile; if he's a boy, perhaps much much longer. or the boys might need their own spot. and you've gotta have a room for grandma (although i'd like to stick each and every one of the grandparents on the futon since they have the uncanny ability of visiting at their convenience, and never when i need their help). it doesn't rule out a house with three bedrooms and an office, but we still want an office, too. so i can quit my job as an engineer and pursue my career in writing by blogging (ha ha ha).

then i realized i'd like a formal dining room. arghhh! what's wrong with me? basically, we have a nice, large (massive) southwestern-style dining room table with six chairs. we maybe use it for one dinner a year, and for parties (it comes in handy when you lay out a buffet), and a place to drop our bags of shit and mail at the end of a day. it's a nice table. and a good place to spread out and do our taxes (this year, we're filing for an extension, prolonging the agony, hurray!)

el Jefe's number 1 from day one was a rambling 3100 square foot beast in a hilly area. oh, it had plenty of rooms. one official bedroom was downstairs. there was an awesome hot tub room, but not off the master. there were stairs and stairs and stairs ... whether you came in the garage or through the front door, you were humping groceries a full level.

my number 1 from day two was a vintage 60's ranch in an awesome neighborhood. the only reason the house is in our price range (which yes, any banker will tell us we can afford more, but we just aren't going to go there) is because nearly everything in the house was original (and needs updating). it has gorgeous wood floors, a formal dining room, an office behind the garage, storage galore, and three large bedrooms. it reminds me a little of the house i grew up in. it has a "grandma's house" feel to it.

el Jefe's number 1 from day two was atleast 20 years newer. again, three bedrooms with an office. no formal dining room. and a laundry room on the second floor. yuck. another humping groceries house, but it did not seem as high. and all the bedrooms were upstairs. not a bad choice, but not my first choice.

we saw several homes that had one very nice level and one very scarey level ... think "monsters in the basement", but we didn't see any monsters. so the 60's house needed updating. it didn't need some gasoline and a match to start all over from scratch. and really, we haven't found a perfect backyard. even though we're looking at yards two or three or more times bigger than the one we have in the South, we haven't fallen in love. they may have a hot tub, or place for a hot tub, but they might have some major slopes, retaining walls, separate levels ... or they might just be paved.

we appreciate our house (in the South) so much more.

and we're trying to get Punkin to understand this one bedroom apartment is our home up North. it really is home, because we're all together.

e-mail to my family

2007-03-27T02:54:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

Since i unfortunately was the messenger of this controversial subject, i first would like to state that moving the venue was NOT my idea, NOR did i have any say in the matter.

The timeshare resort selected by dad has the following website : www.tahoeseasons.com
It is in South Lake Tahoe, which is in the State of California. Last i knew, gambling was limited to Indian (Native American) Casinos in California. The gambling age in Nevada is 21. It is illegal for the kids under the age of 21 to play slot machines, or video poker, or black jack (even War!) for that matter. Parents and guardians are responsible for monitoring their children’s activities (so you have to escort your children through a casino so they don’t stick a quarter in a machine). Nevada also passed a smoking ban in the November election. Although smoking is still allowed in casinos, it is not allowed in establishments that serve food. i believe if a bar sells food, then smoking is prohibited in the bar as well. So, the kids under the age of 21 will not be subjected to smoke when they are illegally throwing down their tequila shots (the drinking age in Nevada is 21 as well). The timeshare resort is a non-smoking facility, and does not allow pets.

We are basically in separate hotel rooms, whether it is in Zion or Lake Tahoe. Granted, they are hotel rooms with amenities, but it’s not like the condo experience we had in Steamboat. Separate families, separate bedrooms. If you choose to bunk up, that’s your prerogative. el Jefe' and i will not be sharing with anyone but our immediate family. The Peanut probably won’t be on solid food, and i probably won’t have access to sterilization and refrigeration, so Iill be tied a three-hour schedule the entire time in either location. That’s my penance.

You can camp at either place. Feel free to haul all your camping equipment. i’d offer up ours, but we’ll be hauling all the baby equipment. i know you cannot get a campsite at Zion for less than $10/night. This is about mom and dad’s 50th anniversary, and not our dream vacation. We could be forking out thousands upon thousands of dollars to host them a dinner in Chicago. Can you hear my silent screams of horror?!?

Geography 101: Lake Tahoe is 55 miles from Reno/Tahoe International Airport. The drive is approximately 1 hour, 15 minutes. Don’t let the International fool you. i believe there are two sets of gates with less than ten gates at each. Zion National Park is 170 miles from McCarran International Airport (Las Vegas). The drive is approximately 2 hours, 40 minutes. The airports are 460 miles apart, or a 9 hour drive. Our father will be on the cusp of 83 years old, and will most likely drive to either destination. Having him behind the wheel for 2 hours is less detrimental to the traveling public than 10 hours. The Florida Keys were discussed between the middle and me, but eliminated because dad will drive. All i can say is fortunately they do not have a car seat; we use that excuse often so as not to endanger our son.

Middle: Please ask your Zion local friends about availability of fishing. We have been in a horrible drought for many years. That includes Utah, as the Virgin River also provides water to Lake Mead. el Jefe', step daughter, and i were at Zion in 2003 and the Virgin River was flowing at 10% of capacity at that time. i know no one will particularly care about the quality of fishing, but i’m just hoping there is some water to throw a line into. i guess the same applies to tubing. Not sure the weather that time of year will be all that conducive to tubing, but it won’t matter if you’re scraping your bottom on rocks.

Since everyone has such negative things to say about Nevada, i'd just like to add that Zion is located in Utah, a state filled with bigotry and hypocrisy. i think that’s the penance you pay for all the beauty in the scenery. i lived and worked there, and paid taxes there, so i have a right to say that. i believe you can protect your children from gambling and smoking much more so than you can bigotry and hypocrisy.

Neither mom nor dad is about earthly beauty, hiking, peace and quiet, etc. They can appreciate that from the car window. They have done Zion as a day trip. They still enjoy outlet mall shopping and eating protein and carbs. They will be disappointed by the restaurants in Zion. Mom just wants someone to spend money on her. Dad made reference to “providing for my family” (offering up timeshare units), plus we suspect he got a letter saying he has timeshare points to burn (use it or lose it). This gives you an idea where they are coming from. Why Tahoe vs Zion? The only reason they’ve been married 50 years is because they cannot communicate with each other.

Similarly, i know that mom and dad would prefer color photography. If you insist on black and white, you will have to colorize their prints for them to show any amount of gratitude. i have no preference.

Please don’t imply that Lake Tahoe is a concession for el Jefe', Punkin, Peanut and me. We have not asked for any help in any way from mom and dad, and have not received any in return. They have never spent time alone with Punkin. They have never even changed one of his diapers. They conveniently went on a time share thing in San Diego (and then to LA) when we were just getting ready to put our house on the market (can you say honey-do? How about when you’re six months pregnant?) and el Jefe' was moving up North. They are going up to Tahoe in April on a timeshare thing during el Jefe’s birthday and our childbirth refresher course. i personally am frustrated by their empty offers, but el Jefe' and i agree that sometimes no help is better than the risk of the alternative.

i have told dad that i have no preference, and plans have been made. i asked not to be put in the middle of this. Just like everyone has their stereotypes, everyone has their perceptions. i don’t have the time or energy to fight, but i also don’t have the time or energy to raise two more children (who happen to be celebrating their 50th anniversary).

i really do look forward to seeing you all in October. el Jefe' and i will most likely need the escape from the two bedroom apartment, with two kids and two dogs (if Abby makes it that long). At least we’ll be together.

so much material, so little time

2007-03-26T05:35:00.000-07:00

a desperately needed, relatively quiet weekend.

five days of single parenting really wore me out. i needed naps oh so badly. another week is here, yet i don't dread it quite so much because i accomplished a few things, and it should be a short week.

i framed 45 certificates for my company's awards program. 9 stores, 3 varieties, and only one had broken glass. i had to build 4 of the frames, and the worst was that they were a bit more time consuming. the ready-made frames from Michael's were the best. the ones from Aaron Brothers lacked quality control. that part is almost done.

a couple more potential houses to preview next weekend. some possibilities. no real dream homes, but since we don't have an offer on our house, it's not time critical, yet. the worst of it is el Jefe' and i are both feeling the financial crunch of maintaining two households. we'll just make more money, and spend more money, and thankfully i have some savings to fall back on.

my dad wants to relocate their 50th anniversary celebration. even el Jefe' said i handled it well. whatever. the middle has made most of the plans, and is sticking to her guns. she has more energy than i do to fight that fight.

at swimming lessons last week, and at the park this weekend, i saw some shining examples of poor parenting. i don't feel so bad.

and now it's time to obsess on taxes. it's time for a good rant, don't you think?

buy this house

2007-03-23T05:09:00.000-07:00

http://www.realestate.com/axx/applications/cob/asp/NSHomeView.asp?homeid=22564534

our home has been been on the market for about a month. we've had nine showings, and one repeat, maybe two, if you count the guy (realtor) who approached me in the driveway to "preview" our house for his clients. it's a soft market. our realtor told us to expect 4 to 5 months. there are a lot of homes on the market in our area. statistically, only 10 percent sold last year. we can't move until the end of June, giving the Peanut about a month outside my belly. or maybe i'm just making myself feel better.

we're taking a trip up North next weekend to look at homes. we are not is a position to buy, as el Jefe' and i are too conservative to carry 3 mortgages. i've downloaded maybe 50 properties. we've shortlisted something like 15 to view between Friday and Sunday afternoon. the more i look, and the more i stay here, the more i love this house.

it's not perfect. i used to say it was too big for us, although we had room to grow, and we didn't plan on growing, and we didn't grow until we'd been here 7 years. i'd like another bedroom now that Peanut is on the way, but as coincidence would have it, we're relocating 450 miles away so eventually we might have that extra bedroom. it has a wonderful open floor plan. it has a separate dining/living room, which i never thought i'd want, but it's great for a dining room table for holiday dinners, buffets at parties, and a little escape from the kitchen/family room (translation: another place to store Punkin's toys). it has a view. it has a fireplace and jetted tub in the master, and we put in a pool and hot tub, and have spent every year cultivating our back yard.

i'm holding out a little hope that when Punkin (and Peanut) and i move up North, it won't be to a two bedroom apartment with two dogs. there's still time.

(lack of) success story

2007-03-21T05:25:00.000-07:00

i won't get any awards for Mother of the Year.
i won't get any awards for Engineer of the Year.
i won't get any awards for Pregnant Woman of the Year.
i won't get any awards for Daughter, Sister, or Friend of the Year.
and i won't get any awards for Blogger of the Year.

the Mother of the Year comment is a joke between el Jefe' and me. basically, when a tidbit of motherhood slips through the cracks, i'll say i won't be getting the award. like letting Punkin eat a lollipop before dinner, or skipping bath night because it is too late, or letting Punkin eat something off the floor because it's not that dirty and it would be a lot of work for me to bend over and pick it up.

but it's all kind of slipping below mediocrity. and i don't have the energy or enthusiasm to do anything about it.

i can't hardly wait (not)

2007-03-19T04:56:00.000-07:00

i'm dreading the week ahead. i think i started dreading it last week, Thursday or Friday, when my mood went to pot. things at work started (continued) to fall apart, and the realization kicked in that el Jefe' would have to go back North for a week. even Punkin had a restless night on Saturday. did he dread it, too?

it was a really nice 10 days. and we only have to get through 5 more days, until el Jefe' is back for the weekend.

i'm going to try to swim a couple days this week. i'm going to try out Romper Room, a free babysitting service offered by the rec center where i swim. they have a tv, but i'm willing to bend if it means i can get in a day or two of exercise. Punkin also has Parent n' Me swimming lessons this week. i think i've solo'd once before. he really seems to be getting the hang of kicking, and moving his arms, and even tolerates floating on his back. so i can't miss that.

i have volleyball registration (even though i'm grounded.) i'd like to get some things at Home Depot to repair a screen. i need to write birthday thank-you notes (thankfully only two!). i need to print out thirty-some award certificates and get to framing. i have at least one helper, yet i've got to find the time to run test prints and print without a lot of eyes at the common printer. i have to update the Quality Review calendar, and come up with a budget, and reload the software, and start to work on an office process manual ... all in my spare time.

and at my paying job, here's what i have to look forward to this week:

the four-year-old reconstruction job that won't go away
my government waste parking lot
specifications on the project where my efforts are completely ignored
upcoming partial contract on a good project, yet not the part that's left

i can't hardly wait.

another year older

2007-03-18T05:57:00.000-07:00

my birthday came; my birthday went.

i awoke early for a Saturday (late for me) stressed about not feeling Peanut since the night before. i did the recommended "have a glass of juice and lay down" from "What to Expect" and tried to count the kicks. the tv was on, but i was trying to concentrate, so i closed my eyes. i made it to four and fell asleep. or back to sleep.

i think all is well, or fine, or ok. don't give me anything more to worry about, ok?

Punkin helped me open my presents; he really wanted them for himself. still, he acted excited about the clothes, even though they were maternity clothes. hopefully i acted excited as well. when i was pregnant with Punkin, i was fairly frugal about my purchases. i bought most things on sale, or clearance, and tried to stick to the basics. i've done the same with this pregnancy with the Peanut, although my shopping has been much less frequent since i saved nearly everything from before. el Jefe' got me some great items at Christmas, and splurged again for my birthday. to me, it's just a little wasteful since i've got only 11 weeks to go (hopefully). el Jefe' looks at it as a tax write-off, unless we have another. i said let's defer that decision until the first month when we're all suffering from sleep deprivation.

he also gave me this terrific thumb ring. i wore it most of the day, but have to get it resized. i was bummed i had to give it up for another five days.

we had a mover come to give us an estimate, and may have a potential buyer for the Jet Skis. they are near and dear to our hearts, and sanity, and represent hundreds of hours of recreation for us. due to environmental restrictions, we can't use them up North, so we put them up for sale (just a note in the garage, mostly for house lookers). it's bitter-sweet. el Jefe' and i agreed that we'd like to get in a day or two at the lake before we move, even if it is not recommended and i'm big as a house, just to say "goodbye".

a couple stopped by when we got home from the grocery store to look at the house. their realtor couldn't make it. we let them in and collected the absent realtor's business card. they make the ninth showing we know of. no takers, yet. we've had a decent amount of traffic for such a soft market. statistically, only 10 percent of the houses on the market have sold, so i'm telling myself we need to get at least 10 potential buyers in here. wishful thinking, and surprising optimism on my part, don't you think?

i didn't get a good nap. we did some exchanges at the mall, bought dog food, and some shorts and pj's for Punkin. and we went out to dinner with my parents for my birthday. finally, the Punkin sang me "Happy Birthday" (several times). it was a wonderful dinner, although my parents are driving me a bit kooky about details while el Jefe' is up North (trying to help, but making more work for me). el Jefe' and i made very fast, very terrific, and very satisfying love.

and now i'm 42.

no respect

2007-03-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

i thought that in writing yesterday's post, i would get all of the bad vibes out of my system and have a decent day. hah!

i almost quit my job yesterday. my supervisor didn't "invite" me to a meeting on a project i am intimately involved in. i have been telling him for months that the deadlines are too aggressive, and our work product is suffering. i also compliment him on maintaining schedule as well as the relationship he has built with the client. he has ignored me for months. i even brought our department manager into it. yesterday, he delivered a proverbial slap in the face. he announced at the meeting i wasn't invited to that he is delaying the submittal approximately one week. the kicker was he finally listened to someone who hasn't been involved in the project who has half the experience i do. folks say, "who cares, you'll be gone anyway." no, i'll come back from leave to this same situation, yet i won't have the luxury of going down the hall and confronting it. it will be telephone, and e-mail, and an occasional trip where i haul around the pump for a day. i can't wait.

i also got an e-mail from a client requesting yet another free service. the project was submitted in April 2006, and we were long past out of money by then. i inherited the project because the project engineer quit in January 2006 and the project manager quit in February 2006. they were incompetent, and the project was a loser. any client request i fulfill is on overhead, and more times than not, it is for free. this project does absolutely nothing for my self esteem. and i feel like i don't have any more to give.

i'll say it again. my projects are unrewarding. and i can't take the bullshit on top of crappy projects.

Punkin got written up for hitting at daycare. it came with a note from his teacher (that i never see because she works 9 am to 4 pm) with an urgent plea for help and to call her. it had misspellings and grammatical mistakes, and of course it pushed a hot button with me. we have gotten many reports that Punkin will not leave his shoes and socks on at school. he is fine at home, and we don't wear our shoes in the house (hence our ten-year-old carpeting still looks pretty damn good). but this was the first we heard of hitting.

i knew the first words out of her mouth would have to do with my pregnancy (they were about the "new baby"). and i had to discuss the fact that el Jefe' has relocated up North, although he is home this week (is he a truck driver?). and i mentioned that Punkin seems to have stopped swearing, but has substituted hitting. the conversation was fine, and nice, and she was understanding. but no one seems to get that we are trying not to make a big deal about the Peanut, nor are we trying to make a big deal out of relocating up North. it is going to be hard enough on the Punkin, and we know and anticipate that, so why should he have to anticipate that for the next several months?

but at work and in parenting, what do i know?

the ides of march

2007-03-15T04:58:00.000-07:00

i was the victim of a violent crime 22 years ago today.

that's what i used to tell people. that was all i could get out as i teared up and got choked up in shame and embarrassment. i told a couple people i was mugged, but their response was "you're lucky it wasn't worse." well, i wasn't lucky, and it was worse.

i was in Acapulco, Mexico with my parents during spring break. spring break has its "fun in the sun" connotations, but i was with my parents! it was two days before my 20th birthday. my parents were getting a tax write-off on some rental property, and i escaped a midwestern winter. we were dining outside as you often do in tropical climates, when a couple of upstanding white college-age men approached our table and struck up a conversation. they charmed my parents, and charmed me, and eventually my parents allowed them to take me dancing later that evening.

we took a cab to the club (it was probably called a disco back then) and had plenty of drinks and dancing. we lost the blonde in the crowd, so it was just the two of us. then night went long, and we decided to leave the crowd, and music, and lights, and the relative madness of the club and get ourselves home. we unwisely decided against a cab, and equally unwisely decided to walk back on the beach.

we were met on a side street by four locals in a pea green four-door sedan. they put a knife to the throat of the male in our party, and aimed a gun at me. it was a small gun, but a gun nonetheless. several people have asked me if the gun was loaded. i don't know, and does it really matter? we gave up rings, watches, chains, and wallets, but the four locals decided that wasn't enough so they abducted me in the back seat of their sedan.

they drove away from the hotels, through downtown, and up into the hills to places i'd never seen before. i had been in Acapulco several times previously with my parents, so i tried to keep my bearings, to no avail. they took turns. they used their hands. they made me use my mouth. and one of them just plain raped me.

they left me in the street of a residential area. why they left me, i'll never know. i still had my "early birthday dress" (a t-shirt dress that was a gift from my mother), but i don't think i had any shoes. i began to wander in the streets, trying to find a major thoroughfare, calling out for help in the limited spanish i knew (from high school). some residents turned their lights on. some residents turned their lights off. i cried out and yelled and wandered. and a man in a white t-shirt hailed a cab for me. and the cab driver took me to my parents' condo. he said he would wait for payment, but he did not.

my parents were awake and up and worried sick, alerted by my dance partner. my mother's first words were "that is what happens when you stay out late." i'll never forget that, with all the pain that i was unable to feel at that moment, that she was able to make it worse. my mother was a nurse a hundred years ago, and my father was a practicing physician at the time, but they let me take a bath. and throw out my under wear.

my parents accompanied me to the police station to file the report. they listened as we went over the story several times, to make sure the translation was accurate. they heard me admit to not being a virgin. my father accompained me to some place for a medical exam. we had to stop at a pharmacy first to buy our own rubber gloves. and we couldn't leave, we wouldn't leave, until our "vacation" was over. my parents filed an insurance claim on my missing property (watch i had bought with proceeds from a summer job, jewelry from my high school boyfriend). eventually i got a new substandard watch, but that was it. i couldn't help but feel they made money from the claim.

i got lots of therapy. i dropped my classes and finished them up eventually in summer school or the following fall semester. i stopped functioning for quite awhile. i couldn't shower, change my clothes, brush my teeth, or leave my apartment for anything other than therapy. i couldn't look anyone, male or female in the eye.

one day, i brushed my teeth. and that was the turning point.

just shoot me

2007-03-14T05:27:00.000-07:00

i forgot to get Abby's meds yesterday. i forgot to pick up my prenatal vitamins from the pharmacy yesterday. i forgot to go to the bank yesterday; i don't think i've been to the bank for nearly a month.

and i still didn't accomplish everything i needed to at work.

it's a crying shame, nearly literally these days. i'm clearly dedicated and focused on my job, in that i cannot break away for some time for myself. i inhale my lunch at my desk and just keep going. task after task, one step forward, two steps back. it's worse than a treadmill; at least you get exercise. oh that's right! i had that epiphany about why my work (my paying job) is not rewarding ...

i'm normally not a slacker. i don't give up. i have learned to lower my standards, but my father's voice in my head ("never be a quitter") haunts and drives me to do things i don't want to do. it drives me to be a martyr sometimes. so i take great responsibility in my assignments, my duties, my chores even when they offer nothing in return. just shoot me now; i don't ever see myself recovering from this character flaw.

but even with my lower standards, i can't keep up and the pack is breaking away. the CHBM site has been redesigned and has a plethora of new content. it has been that way for a while, yet i just noticed because i just had time to go there. i was looking for post ideas. i just about ran away with my tail between my legs. i certainly lowered my head in shame.

at yesterday's appointment, i was at 163 pounds (still) and my blood pressure was 115/60. i only have nine (9) more appointments with my gyn-ob until the Peanut's due date. on the bright side, it's less than 10.

tomorrow is an anniversary of sorts for me. it brings me down, but has nothing to do with my lack of "performance" or "success". this is day to day. and i'll continue to tolerate it, and it is doubtful i'll ever quit.

10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag

2007-03-13T05:14:00.000-07:00

maybe this should be my motto? or my tag line? or the analogy of my life?

i make lists. i check things off. but i'm perpetually a step or two behind, maybe because i seem to take that "one step forward, two steps back" approach. the lists grow instead of shrink. if i'm accomplishing tasks at home, i'm a day or two behind at work.

and i'm never caught up at work. there are always multiple projects, regular weekly responsibilities as the Quality Control Coordinator, and between November and March (the end of March), there is my company's awards program. i've got 41 certificates to frame, and at least 25 of those haven't been printed. i've enlisted in some help, but i've got to find the time, and it's tough when i'm busy from the time i walk through the front door to the time i leave at the end of the day. brace yourself; here comes a positive statement: at least i have learned to leave it at the office. not all the time, but i have on occasion just let go and left it until morning or monday or another day.

emotionally, it's like a big grease stain (or shit stain, which i am oh-so familiar with) on the paper bag holding together my psyche. the unfinished honey-do's and chores and assignments and responsibilities are weakening the bag. it's going to tear and i'm going to end up in a puddle of liquified doggie diarrhea on the carpet. and i'll just have to scrub and clean it some more.

but, i am very experienced in these matters.

my honey do/honey done list

2007-03-09T05:13:00.000-08:00

it's getting better, but it's not good. why am i always so dissatisfied?

el Jefe' came home Wednesday night for a ten-day stint at home (South). since then, Punkin has awoke ONCE in the past two nights and we all were able to get back to sleep without intervention. so maybe it is separation anxiety. it's just a bit baffling that it manifests itself at night.

both dogs sleep in their respective kennels in the garage and are outside all day. i only have to wash pee out of Abby's bedding once a day. since i'm such an expert in dog shit stain removal, here is my endorsement for Resolve Dual Action Spot Carpet Cleaner (with Oxi Action). i have essentially removed countless dog diarrhea stains in the past couple weeks (a major feat when you are trying to show and sell your home and its ten-year-old carpet). yeah, maybe they'll sponsor me.

i have gone to 5 Michaels and 4 Aaron Brothers to purchase a total of 40 frames for my company's awards program. even though i am pregnant, this time my raging hormones have not ignited the shopping gene, so this represents another major feat. no, you cannot order on-line from either store. no, i could not do a special order at either store (the style has been discontinued at Michaels, so i got the majority of them at a discount, but i probably spent the difference in gas as i was driving all over town.) i had the option of ordering from a vendor through my company; however, each frame was $5 to $9 more (not including shipping) and i would have had to build 40 fucking frames (in my spare time). mission nearly accomplished.

we need to sell our house.
we need to find a house up North.
i need to have this baby (the Peanut) but timing is very critical due to the day care waiting list.
and we need to file our taxes.
not necessarily in that order.

guess how i'm going to spend my early morning insomnia hours in the coming weeks ...

sleepless Punkin, shitty dogs

2007-03-06T16:48:00.000-08:00

the last two days and nights have been rough.

Punkin wakes up crying about every half-hour from bedtime to midnight. typically, he is sitting up, but it is not apparent he is awake. if he is lying down, he rolls all over his big boy bed, which is a full or double depending on your terminology (which provides ample room for a two-year-old to roll around). sometimes he says “Owweee, owweee”, but cannot identify what is hurting him. sunday night i resorted to Tylenol. last night, we made it through without drugs. is it growing pains? he has complained about his teeth, and is drooling excessively, but i’m pretty sure he has all his baby teeth. separation anxiety? every morning he asks for his Daddy. we called el Jefe’ this morning. i’m not sure what else to do.

Abby had $150 of blood work on Saturday. she has a pretty severe liver disorder. her vet left a message yesterday, and he called back this morning and we actually spoke (which is better service than i get from most of my doctors, sad to say). she’s still on medication, and we’ll take her back this Saturday for more blood work. her diarrhea is under control.

lest you think we’ve turned the corner, the younger dog, Jenny, left me three diarrhea stains in the master bedroom closet this morning, and one on the shower rug. fortunately the shower rug went in the wash and the stain came out. i put in nearly two hours of shit stain removal this morning. i had suggested the realtor do her “realtor open house” thingy today (ha ha ha, foolish me!), so i was determined to get the stains out. they are better, but now both dogs are outside all day, and will sleep in their kennels in the garage at night.

i lamented to el Jefe’, but even if he was home, i still would be doing shit stain removal. i don’t want him to feel bad. i just want someone to sympathize with my exhaustion and shitty (literally!) chores.

we're getting there

2007-03-05T05:15:00.000-08:00

Punkin's Paw Paw (my dad) called last night to let me know they were home from a second trip to California in something like 3 weeks. he offered to come by and "help". appreciate the thought, but yet another empty promise (or empty offer). you see, we've made so much progress (without assistance) that i'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. (in my case, yes, it probably is a train).

el Jefe' caught an earlier flight on Friday. it was wonderful to have him home, even if just for a couple days, and even if we worked on the house most of the time. i finished the lower half of the master potty room (separate room for the toilet, with freaking 10 foot ceilings ...) which has been unfinished for something like 7 years. i also painted a wall in the hallway. and tried to lighten the same giant dog shit stain (actually a pee stain) in the carpet twice. (it's like an hour-long process). oh, and i gave Punkin a haircut courtesy of the Klampett Family Salon. el Jefe' finished the upper half of the master potty room, painted the exterior raw stucco at the french doors, cleaned the pool, and cleaned the deck.

our house has been on the market a week and a half, and we've had three "lookers". i've been told this is great for a soft market. the last was a frustrating and disappointing experience. we got the call that someone would be by "within the hour". Punkin was just getting up from his nap, and i was in the beginning stages of stain patrol. the doorbell rang within 3 minutes of the phone call. we tried to get out of the house. we promised Punkin we'd got to the park. i stashed gloves, and chemicals, and bucket, and paper towels, and took one last pee before we tried to leave. i scared the couple previewing the house as i left the bathroom. great impression, huh. no matter; we think they spent a grand total of 3 minutes in the house anyway. we don't think they even made it into the kitchen, or family room, or saw the pool. their loss, right?

el Jefe' also took Abby to the vet for $150 worth of blood work. i'm sure the results are "she's old", or maybe she has some life-threatening disease, but then she's toward the tail end of her life anyway. as long as she's not in pain.

so basically, Paw Paw wouldn't have helped anyway. we're knocking things off the list with elbow grease, and determination, and some insomnia. i wonder what we'll do when we're done?

what are you doing?

2007-03-01T16:44:00.000-08:00

you should hear it coming from the Punkin.

i don't want to jinx it, but i have almost survived a week (ok, a 5-day work week) of being a part-time single parent. i will not get the mother of the year award, but at this point my expectations are very low and it's all about survival. Punkin was almost at day care 10 hours yesterday. i made quiche for dinner last night (which he didn't eat) and didn't have dinner ready until 8:00 pm (bedtime) and hence missed bath night and suffered meltdown at 8:20 pm. but nobody got hurt.

el Jefe' is settling into the apartment up North. the truck was unloaded on Monday, he has made a trip to Target, and the grocery store ("why bother with a list when you need everything.").

i've been cleaning dog diarrhea stains for days, sometimes twice a day. Abby did not come back from boarding at the vets feeling very well (hell, she's 105), and every day i wonder what i'm coming home to. she ate well one day early this week, and i think it all came out on our newly cleaned carpet. since then, she is outside during the day, and sleeps in a kennel in the garage at night. that has localized my shit stain cleaning to one area. then she stopped eating (but it was still spewing out her butt). i opted for canned dog food yesterday, mixed with her regular dry food, and she "ate a good supper" (as we say in our house; a reference from "Pat the Bunny"). again, not to jinx it, but i only had to wash pee out of her bedding this morning. woo hoo! that's like winning the lottery.

other than cleaning shit stains, i spackled a little around the house (and of course made everything look worse). what the hell was i thinking? well, things look VERY different at 5:00 am than they do in broad daylight. i'm hoping we can fudge by "blending" in the paint ...

speaking of paint, i braved Home Depot this afternoon to get a quart of exterior paint. we got these very lovely french doors about three years ago, and i thought it was finally time to paint over the raw stucco surrounding the doors outside since the our house is on the market and someone might actually care. we'll probably use the same paint on a couple exterior door frames. it will be a miracle if the color match is even close. and yes, we're going to paint stucco with the exact same paint as the door frames. hell, the builder did it. and it's cost-effective. and i don't care.

el Jefe' often reminds me i should say "i don't have any preference." right now, i don't. it's all about survival.

phase one essentially complete

2007-02-26T05:41:00.000-08:00

so did i tell you in the midst of all the chaos with putting the house on the market and el Jefe' moving a portion of our family North (specifically the portion being him), i had a work trip planned to San Diego that the whole family was going to enjoy. we enjoyed it, but it wasn't exactly "per plan". lately my motto is, "at least we have a plan." things rarely go as planned, but at least we have one, right?

so we drove to San Diego thursday. i had one more category of nominations to read for my company's awards program. el Jefe' ended up driving the entire way there because i finished reading and ranking nominations within the San Diego city limits. we checked into our hotel with no spare time for a shower, but i did iron a shirt. el Jefe' ended up going shopping with Punkin as all he had were holey jeans, t-shirts, and a couple of flannel shirts. never dull.

friday i was in meetings all day. el Jefe' and Punkin had lunch with Punkin's godfather, el Jefe's cousin, and her 4-year-old daughter who is buds with the Punkin. we had dinner together at my company function, where Punkin was the youngest participant by two decades, but he behaved like a champ! up at 5 am saturday morning to drive back, pick up the dogs from the vet/kennel, and get the U-Haul.

the 5 am saturday morning part worked per plan.

the U-Haul wasn't where it was supposed to be. el Jefe' eventually picked it up about two hours later than the plan. he loaded it early sunday morning.

the part about the dogs was fine until i have spent hours the past two mornings cleaning up doggie diarrhea out of the new cleaned carpets. Abby is not going to make it. she's not eating or drinking, i think she has a cut on her foot, and yet she spews stains out of her butt.

but nothing is as sad as this sight.

the price of progress

2007-02-20T17:05:00.000-08:00

it’s been awhile.

i think i only have six remaining windows to clean and four rooms of baseboards. we had the carpet professionally cleaned on Monday and we still have incontinent dog stains. we have 325 square feet of new sod (and associated top soil) in our backyard. we have a relatively clean pool, four new cartridge filters, and an appointment for service (still no pressure) next Tuesday. we have furniture to move North, and a U-Haul reserved to move it North, and furniture to donate moved to the garage. the house goes on the market tomorrow.

we’re making progress.

Peanut is quite active. today’s check-up had me topping out at 163 lbs (more than when the Punkin was born … bummer) and 123/61. i have a three week hiatus from doctors appointments, and then i start back at two week intervals. it’s kind of a mini vacation, don’t ya think? in three weeks, my doctor wants me to register at the hospital. here we are, scrambling to get el Jefe’ organized and moved up North, and his response was “cool. then i can move back home.” but where is home?

it has not been smooth sailing by any means. i completely lost it on Saturday and was hysterically yelling and crying in the parking lot of Applebee’s (which seems to have a corporate policy against balloons which continues to break the Punkin’s heart, so much so that i believe Red Robin is now his favorite restaurant …). El Jefe’ offered to quit and cancel the move. this is the second time he has made such an offer. i’m not even tempted to take him up on it; it’s not what i want. i’m just worried, and stressed out, and exhausted, and there are so many things out of my control.

and we’re spending money like water.

fortunately, my doctor told me today the Peanut doesn’t know if i’m happy or sad, stressed or depressed.

thankfully this is one thing i am just doing to myself.

the best Valentine's Day ever

2007-02-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

el Jefe’ and i were married to other spouses before, and have been through a divorce from those other spouses. i wouldn’t even wish my relatively easy divorce on an enemy.

he moved in with me after he got laid off but during the tail end of his divorce. we were madly in love, and best of friends, and committed to each other without any ceremony. once his divorce was final, he would occasionally ask me to marry him roughly quarterly. although i wanted to be recognized officially as a couple by more than our closest friends, i was afraid of repeating the pain i had felt at the end of my previous marriage. so, i made excuses and let the subject pass until the next quarter. and came up with another excuse when he popped the question the next quarter.

we bought a house together, two sets of paperwork and all. we combined our two storage units, three dogs, and all of our divorcewear to make a home together. and the Christmas after we moved into our home, he slipped a diamond engagement ring into the pocket of my brown corduroy overalls that were my Christmas gift. el Jefe’ literally got down on his knees and asked me to marry him and i said “yes”. (stipulation: "someday").

Valentine’s Day, following that Christmas, fell on a Saturday nine years ago. i spent the day at home cleaning or working on the house while el Jefe’ was slaving away at work on a top secret project with horrendous deadlines. we had plans (but not reservations) to go to Joe’s Crab Shack for dinner. mind you, Valentine’s Day was the anniversary of his previous marriage. i think this reminder weighed on both our minds every Valentine’s Day. i stewed and fretted most of the day. how could i ever compete with the memory of his failed marriage?

i called the County and got a recording that they are (were) open 24 hours, even on weekends (there went that excuse). i listened to the minimal list of rules and requirements and decided if he would have me, i would marry him that day (or evening). he put in a full day at the office and arrived home after the sun had set. in the minimal light of dusk, i handed him a Post-It note with the phone number of the County and the marriage license bureau recording. he dialed the number, listened, asked if i was sure, and asked if it was ok that we got something to eat first.

we had dinner at Joe’s Crab Shack as planned, with plenty of beers and a dozen oysters to boot. we bought two Foster’s oil cans and wedding cake (Hostess cupcakes … maybe another post) on our way to the courthouse. we got our license and looked in the phone book for an appropriate chapel (traditional? drive-thru? Elvis?) as enticing as Elvis was, the thought of my father’s reaction to his baby daughter being walked down the aisle by Elvis convinced us to select a drive-thru. we downed one of the oil cans and pulled up to a drive-thru chapel. they provided us a menu of services, most of which we opted against, save the “silk” bouquet consisting of a singular red rose. we smiled and laughed and had a wonderful time as we got married in a pick-up truck in our favorite clothes, with little speakers propped on the aluminum shelf of the drive-thru. the minister had to stop briefly during the ceremony as a bus drove by. the only time el Jefe’ shut off the truck was for our Polaroid photo.

i wouldn’t trade my wedding day for any other. it was absolutely perfect.

Happy 9th Anniversary, el Jefe’. i love you more (mower) and more each day.

it just doesn't get any better

2007-02-13T16:53:00.000-08:00

it’s not getting any better.

i started washing windows and baseboards this week in preparation for carpet cleaning and putting the house on the market. the two just go together in my mind (maybe because i use a bucket of Spic n’ Span for both). so in my obsessive pre-dawn insomnia hours, i read nominations for my company’s internal awards program until el Jefe’ leaves the house, and then clean. i’m accomplishing something, but i’m letting it stress me out.

i knocked a bottle of Red Hot out of the cupboard during Punkin’s breakfast. it broke and spewed across the floor and newly cleaned pantry cabinet (one of Saturday’s chores). i really can’t remember if i held my tongue, but Punkin said plenty of “dammit”s in my behalf.

i got more specs this morning from the client, the same client that switched directions 180 degrees on us last Thursday. i worked with our admin assistant all last Friday and over the weekend to incorporate maybe 50% of the changes due to the new direction … and then he sends us another example on Monday and additional sections today. we have a submittal February 22nd and a check set due tomorrow. too much, too late.

i maintain a database for scheduling as a QA/QC coordinator. i implemented this tool in early November, and probably spend two hours a week maintaining it and keeping it up to date. it crashed today. i asked my hero who magically fixed it if he could do the same for the rest of my life. no such luck.

the engineer on my project that is proof of government waste continues to go overboard on temporary erosion control measures that we cannot afford to design, and the project budget cannot afford to fund in construction. and his earthwork estimates have more than doubled from the preliminary phases (and we are bound by the budgets established in those preliminary phases).

my department manager had a strategy meeting at our office up North last Friday. she apologized directly to me, but admitted she has basically thrown up her hands in terms of managing them. this is the office i will transfer to. this is the equivalent of being thrown under the bus.

oh, and the Middle is initiating plans for the big 50th Anniversary adventure. i agreed to about anything, just begging the Eldest that some plans are made in order to take one issue of uncertainty out of my life.

ditto closing line of yesterday’s post.

the voices outside my head

2007-02-12T16:49:00.000-08:00

i lost it yesterday.

when are we moving up North? where are we moving to up North? when are we putting the house on the market? what does the doctor(s) say about the Peanut? when do you have to stop swimming? what are you going to do for our 50th anniversary in September? when can you commit to a trip or party or plans? why did you move Punkin into a big boy bed?

who? what? where? when? why? how?
i don't know.

my response was i'm tired and i've fucking had it.

my two (or 32) cents' worth

2007-02-11T06:32:00.000-08:00

yesterday was kind of a tough day.

it started at 3 am, for both el Jefe' and me. he was going into work (supposedly his last Saturday, hurray!) and i just couldn't sleep. i cleaned the pantry and did plant maintenance for hours (what fun!). Punkin woke up on the wrong side of the crib. he wanted his "moneys" and could not be placated. i found him two pennies. he could not be consoled. he finally calmed down after 32 cents (talk about inflation!) but i actually caught him digging through my purse a couple times yesterday. hmmm. not sure i like that.

i took Punkin with me to work and printed out some specs to take home (not like i don't have enough to do around the house, but i was feeling guilty for being out of the office Monday to make arrangements up North). he colored a little and rode the elevator, so it wasn't a total bust for him. then we went to Home Depot to find appliance patch. our stove has a chip in the front, probably from the time i was flinging fried eggs (and the frying pan) and beer bottles in a drunken rage of depression. i scored a front row parking space, but no cart. toddler + Home Depot = challenge. we looked in the appliances area; we looked in the paint area. i asked a total of three sales associates for help, and i eventually got something that should patch our stove. then we went to Target where i bought some cleaning supplies (my latest obsession before putting the house on the market), and some new sheets for Punkin's big boy bed, a waterproof mattress pad (you can even get them in queen size!), and bed rails (which by the way adjust to fit a queen size bed as well). am i the only one that thinks that's a little odd?

Punkin barely ate his lunch, poured milk all over his money (the 32 cents), and proceeded to make sock mittens, soak them in milk, and wash his face with them. nap time could not come soon enough, yet he was wound up tight and i was exhausted. eventually, he got some sleep. i tried as well, unsuccessfully.

we met with a realtor, told Punkin's godmother Lola that we are moving, and went to a friend's 40th birthday party that was nicer than a lot of weddings i've attended and dropped our bombshells (promotion, Peanut, and move) on more friends.

i kind of wish my life was more about 32 cents right now.

feels like a century

2007-02-09T04:37:00.000-08:00

i believe this is post number 100. i'm surprised, and maybe a little discouraged, a maybe a little disenchanted, and maybe a little proud. i guess this blog is a good metaphor for my life: i do the best i can, even though most things don't turn out the way i had planned. happy anniversary to me.

i got a "Management Bonus" this week at work. i never really wanted to be in the "Management" category. i struggled and strived for 18 years to be recognized as a technical expert, even if it meant giving up more lucrative ($), less stressful, and less demanding opportunities. my coworkers knew, and eventually my immediate supervisor knew, and then i was able to approach the higher realms of management with my goals, wishes, and desires. the company i work for prides itself on offering two career paths (manager and technical expert) yet i had bosses who would blatantly ignore what i wanted, even when i expressed it. (i've had a lot of shitty bosses over my career. i can count two who respected me and my skills and my desires.) i finally put pride aside when i was pregnant with Punkin and let a lot of important people know that was my goal. and the day before i returned to work from maternity (really FMLA) leave, i was made a professional associate. talk about bittersweet; i was vacillating between career and motherhood and work full or part time and stay at home and and and ... and finally i reached my goal. the funny part: it was just a title. i got a certificate and new business cards and nothing else.

this year my company gave the new class of professional associates 3% raises. you got it, the new class. all senior professional associates were awarded some stock/insurance option package that they give to officers of the firm. but the previously appointed plain old professional associates got squat. i bitched to my supervisor and my department manager, not expecting them to change the system, but voicing my displeasure. i got an impressive year end salary adjustment, which i believe compensated for being dissed as an old professional associate.

so then out of the blue came this "Management Bonus". i attend "Managers" meetings because i am involved in marketing, specifically proposal writing (as i am one of the few people in my department of 85 that can write worth a damn), and i manage projects and i'm involved in business and management functions in association with my duties as the QA/QC coordinator. but i don't really feel like "Management", and i don't think i look like "Management", and i'm not part of the "Management" club. but they gave me some money, (not much, especially when half gets sucked up by taxes) and i can't refuse it. i'll politely say thank you and transfer it into savings.

i'm kind of at a career crossroads again, a little over two years from the time i became a mother and a little under two years from the time i became a professional associate. it has to do with the move North, my transfer, and my role (or lack thereof). i haven't had time to campaign for a position because in my heart and my pregnancy-fogged mind, it's a little nebulous, too. so for now, i'll accept the "Management Bonus" and bask in the glory of post number 100.

too many (or too few) balls in the air

2007-02-08T05:04:00.000-08:00

i've been remiss on posting frequency lately. i've been juggling alot, and frankly, i suck at juggling. project deadlines are looming. quality coordinator responsibilities are increasing. it's high time we "get around to it" with a number of projects around the house since we're going to put it on the market. we need to solidify plans for el Jefe's move North. and i have appointments with one doctor or another atleast three times a month. and we have a wonderful toddler who is hinting at signs of readiness for potty training, and needs to graduate to a big boy bed.

i'm perfectly willing to let Punkin set the schedule for potty training. i'm encouraged that he shows signs of readiness, but as much as i only want one kid in diapers at a time, i believe i can deal with two if need be. so what if one screams for a couple minutes while the other is getting changed? i'll be sleep deprived and insane anyway. at least i'll be able to have a beer every now and then.

the big boy bed ... well, that's mostly me, and it's all about convenience and being cheap/frugal. we only have one crib, and it was a hand-me-down from the Middle (with twins) (i think they survived with only one crib?!?). we currently have a double bed in the garage; we bought it used and it was in el Jefe's daughter's (my stepdaughter's, bonus child's, whatever) room that became Punkin's bedroom. we have another queen-size bed, which resides in Grandma's room, or the designated guest room. we also have a futon in the loft/office which has been slept on plenty of times.

el Jefe' needs to furnish an apartment for himself, with Punkin and i as an occasional visitor (eventually, i'm not going to be able to travel, and at this rate we'll be lucky to get one trip up North in March). Grandma's bed is going up North as el Jefe's bed. the futon is going up North as Punkin's big boy bed away from home. the crib and changing table are going into Grandma's room. and Punkin is going to graduate to a double bed on or before February 26th. we shuffle furniture, let the movers take care of some clutter removal, and don't spend any additional money (except for bed rails and a pee-proof double mattress pad ... i hope they make such a thing).

it appears i can juggle tangible objects, but i am struggling with juggling events? trust me, i have a planner and an Outlook calendar ... it's just the stress that's getting to me.

and so it begins

2007-02-06T05:08:00.000-08:00

it didn't start so well.

i returned a library book. it was two days overdue and i owed 50 cents. honestly, i can't remember, but that may have been my first overdue library book. ever. and then i couldn't check it out again because i had all ready renewed it once. it was a wee-bit humiliating experience.

i picked up Punkin from school on Friday, and we had less than an hour to prepare for our flight up North. el Jefe' had taken care of the dogs, so really all we had to do was pack. and the true packing was done for all three of us in about half an hour. then Punkin needed a diaper change. then i had to pack some snacks and extra food for Punkin. and then i had a meltdown because i couldn't see in the backpack. my dad was going to take us to the airport so we wouldn't have to pay for parking, but we were running too late so we went straight there. then el Jefe' wanted to park in remote (thankfully i squashed that idea). we ate Sbarro for dinner on the floor in the gate waiting area. our hotel was a dump. the kitchenette consisted of a microwave. the heater took several tries to maintain warm air. our neighbors were up all night.

still, we all got a good night's sleep, even if it was short. we skipped the free breakfast consisting of packaged oatmeal and dry cereal, and opted for a Dennys where we truly had a great start of our day. we looked at 3 apartment complexes and 2 rental houses (shacks); our main search criteria was more than one dog over 35 lbs, so our choices had a nearly $400 price range differential per month. we ate lunch on the sidewalk in a parking lot and passers by looked at us like we were homeless. not really, but i was feeling a bit displaced.

Sunday was spent looking at houses from model homes to open houses, to just driving around and gawking. it was exhausting. there is plenty of inventory on the market, so we have some options once we sell our existing home (which is not on the market, yet).

Monday we tried to tour daycares. we got through one despite a toilet-floooding incident. the location wasn't the best, and they thought i was insane for making my own baby food, and the infant room is tiny for kids 6 weeks to a year, but it was an option. the second is close to my office once i transfer, but we couldn't do a tour due to staffing issues. after two attempts and all our questions were answered satisfactorily, i put down a deposit for both kids (the waiting list for Punkin is until summer; the waiting list for Peanut currently is September. do the math. it's worse than getting tickets to the Bozo show). el Jefe' signed up for an apartment. we looked at a few more neighborhoods, flew home, and started some laundry.

we're making progress and it's not all a catastrophe. but the next 20 weeks are not going to be easy. i'll be able to do less as the pregnancy progresses, i'll be able to travel less, and i'll be able to be with el Jefe' less. i'll be a part time single working full time mother. once the Peanut arrives, we'll be moving into a 2 bedroom apartment with an infant, a two-year-old, and a dog or two. i've gotten over the library book; i've got a few other things on my mind.

Abby's post

2007-02-01T05:10:00.000-08:00

did i happen to mention we have a dog in diapers? actually, we have two dogs; only one is in diapers. and a toddler in diapers. what fun!

doggie diapers are kind of cute. cute, in the same way i saved one of Punkin's unused newborn diapers. cute, because they are a lot like human baby diapers with velcro-like tabs, except there's a hole for the dog's tail. cute, in that the novelty wears off very quickly. and they are much more expensive than human baby diapers (i think more than a buck a pop). i need to search on-line or get a catalogue to save some money. yet Punkin loves going to Petsmart to see the kitty cats and the birdies and to get Abby's diapers.

Abby's fifteen, which if you do the math is 105 in people years. she's a doberman mix; she kind of looks like an uncropped doberman, and she has the doberman bark, but she's really just old and sweet and deaf (and afraid of ballons). in her first or second year of life she was treated for mange (not the contagious kind) but still it was one of those treatments that has the potential to kill before it cures. (wouldn't you like to hear that disclaimer in a pharmaceutical add on tv?) anyway, she survived that, and then got sick from eating wild mushrooms in the backyard. she survived that, too. she got farmed out (literally, they had six acres) to some of my good friends when i was going through my divorce and only had an apartment for a couple months. she's lived with me in three states, and traveled with me across the US. about eight years ago she was involved in a "grooming incident" at a kennel (she's a short hair so what the hell kind of grooming does that require?) and somehow they spiral-sliced her tail on two sides. fortunately the kennel sent her to the vet we use now, who is the best, and they tried to stitch, wrap, and save her tail. she wore a cone for weeks and weeks, and eventually her tail was amputated, but she still has a couple inches. it works perfectly with the preformed hole in the doggie diaper.

she's camera shy, so the photo pretty much sucks. she looks like Santa's Little Helper on the Simpson's. she's a great old girl, and i'm not complaining about cleaning her kennel this morning or the cost of diapers. you can wear diapers when you're 105, and i'll write a post about you, too.

more than a swale, less than a pit of despair

2007-01-31T05:04:00.000-08:00

i've been down lately. not happy. depressed. fortunately, it is not the debilitating depression where you simply cannot function, feel, or care, but the way i feel is not good for my family, the Peanut, or myself.

i'm tired of busting ass at work. it starts the minute i walk through the door and doesn't end until i leave at the end of the day. i inhale lunch at my desk and continue to work non-stop, whether it's a call to another time zone, or another fire i end up putting out (usually not billable time). i can't turn off the overwhelming feeling of responsibility. i can't take a few precious minutes for myself.

i spend about an hour and a half (a pittance) with Punkin in the evening, yet i find myself looking at the clock, looking forward to his bedtime routine. i am disgusted at myself to admit that. it's not as though i start having a rip-roaring time after he goes to bed. typically, i throw in a load of laundry and make his lunch. the fact is, i am physically, mentally, and emotionally capable of nothing else. if i'm not quiet, i'm a basket case. i feel bad for el Jefe' to see me this way; i'm sure it instills worry in him how i will handle part-time single motherhood when he's up North. i share those worries, of course in my own hypersensitive superlative degree. how the hell am i going to handle it (just handle it, not even succeed) when i feel this way?

a small part of me attributes the exhaustion to my 3 am internal alarm clock. on a really good day, i can make it until 4 am without the trivial worries in my brain spinning like the Tazmanian Devil. lately it's sometimes after 2 am; i lay there and try to go back to sleep, and give up around 3 am. i get an hour or two of productivity, usually for work (duh, that's why i resent my days being so long, when i donate a couple hours everyday). i think i'm getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep. i used to get more. more importantly, i want more.

i know that i have everything in the world to be thankful for and enjoy. i just can't do it in this frame of mind.

my wish list for Punkin

2007-01-29T16:45:00.000-08:00

considering that i am a pessimist, and suffer from depression (and degenerative disc disease), and generally have low self esteem, there is very little of me that i hope the Punkin inherits from me. he has my brown eyes, much to the dismay of many individuals who hoped he would get el Jefe’s stunning blue eyes. he has my nose.

he scares me with his organizational skills during play; it borders on anal. it started with balls. one morning, he brought all of his balls (and a balloon) into the kitchen and lined them up on the floor. and then he tried to line them up on the countertop. when he plays with Legos, he likes to build towers out of the blocks of the same shape and the same color (i.e. a tower of square yellow blocks, a tower of green rectangular blocks, etc.). i’m pretty sure he gets that from me and my OCD tendencies.

Punkin sucks his thumb to the point it has a callous. i sucked my thumb well into kindergarten. when the orthodontist installed prongs, i learned to suck my thumb on the side of my mouth. i finally stopped when the same orthodontist put me in a headgear with a plate at the roof of my mouth; basically, my choices were suffocate and suck my thumb or breathe. i chose breathing. and then i chewed my fingernails. and i eventually i became a smoker, which in some way relates to this oral fixation. not the legacy i’d like to leave my child.

the genetic damage has been done. what i’d like to give my son is the ability to:

maintain an open mind
be creative
enjoy every day on this earth even in just a small percentage of the way he touches me everyday
know in his heart he is loved unconditionally
be confident with who he is and what he does
be genuinely happy.

those certainly aren’t “parts” of me, but he certainly deserves them.

some of us take baby steps

2007-01-28T05:13:00.000-08:00

so i spent the past 45 minutes trying to redesign my blog. can't you tell? i entered a contest to win a new webdesign for 2007. i think they went out of business. so, i was embarrassed as i read other non-professional blogs, and decided to try to figure it out for myself. mind you, i am self-proclaimed at lacking computer and internet skills. my first programming was with a stack of cards and a card reader (i think one step beyond a slide rule). needless to say, i doubt you are impressed and i am certainly not delighted.

we have one of two sinks installed in the master bedroom. i downloaded maps and floorplans of our apartment short list. i got info on a couple day cares. i found out my bank has one (1) branch up North. it is readily apparent we are moving to an area of 1/4 the population, not that that's a bad thing, it just adds to our challenges.

Punkin has been having conversations with me. yesterday we talked about how the bananas were all gone, and that we would get more bananas from the grocery store, and that he would go to the grocery store with mommy or daddy. multiple word sentences, as well as multiple sentences. both of our vehicles "ding" when it's time to refuel; mine also dings when the temperature is below 40 degrees. (no, i don't know why.) Punkin hears the "ding" and says "mommy's blue car needs gas." that blows my mind.

oh, to be able to grow and change and expand your horizons by leaps and bounds on a daily basis without fear or trepidation or hesitation.

friday rant

2007-01-26T16:55:00.000-08:00

i’m having these periods of extreme bitchiness which lead to minor melt-down. of course, i only have them in the evening and i end up taking it out on el Jefe’. i’m relatively ok at work, whether it be distraction or denial, or the fact that i have nothing to tell. Ok, maybe a little. El Jefe’ got a promotion and we’re moving North.

who? well obviously all of us, but due to the when, it’s not at the same time.
what? our stuff, our stuff that fills over 2,100 square feet and a three car garage quite nicely (fortunately, we don’t have a basement; unfortunately, we can’t park in the garage). but do we need it all? do we go on a donation binge? what do we need now? what do we need later? what? what? what?
where? what city? i don’t know. North.
another where? house, apartment , condo, cardboard box? i don’t know.
when? el Jefe’ is supposed to move sometime in February. i don’t know about me and the Punkin and the two dogs and all our stuff. my due date of June 2 plays a factor in all of this.
how? well, the fact is we have the option of using movers TWICE, yet el Jefe’ is still talking about renting a U-Haul. i informed him Tuesday that my doctor said an eight-hour drive through the middle of nowhere is infinitely more risky than a one-hour plane ride. my “condition” is obvious. yet he assumes we can’t get a mover in time (because he has made a mere four calls regarding this move, to apartments, and we don’t have much more info than i found on the internet). can’t you just hear the sarcasm and bitchiness in my tone? i’m sure you can just imagine what a joy i am to be around.
how much? whatever it takes to run two households for an unspecified amount of time. can you say money pit?
why? because el Jefe’ got a promotion, and the infamous “they” out there say change is good.

we have plane, hotel, and car reservations to go up SuperBowl weekend to look for stage 1 housing. i did most of that myself. i’ve downloaded info on stage 1 housing over probably a three sessions. his four calls were made on Tuesday, and he has forgotten, or hasn’t had time, or hasn’t gotten around to it since. he’s working tonight and tomorrow, and the great sink project is supposed to continue on Sunday. we don’t have a back yard; we can’t get the dog stains out of the carpet; we need an electrician; oh yeah, and we need an agent and a buyer to sell this house. yadda yadda yadda.

alls i know is El Jefe' got a promotion and we're moving North.

weekend update, without the weekend

2007-01-24T04:49:00.000-08:00

an aside: i found the ads posted here amusing. one was for sewer video, which i know something about as i have coworkers who analyze such video for a living. the stories are disgusting. and the other is about ISO training. again, i know something about it. i know enough about these things to know that folks who are doing internet searches would be cruely disappointed by linking to my blog. maybe they're not the only ones ...

another update: the faucet installation success story ended this past weekend. we bought new faucets with supplies on 4-inch centers, and el Jefe's sink is sporting 4 1/4-inch centered holes. he subsequently purchased two new drill bits (appurtenances!) to try to remedy the holes. unfortunately there is talk of purchasing another tool for said drill bits. so far, only two trips to Home Depot. i think the underlying problem was lack of beer.

i went to the ob/gyn yesterday. if you're tracking my progress (i am, and this effort is to keep me honest?) my weight is at 159. blood pressure is an acceptable 114/70. i am not so proud of the 159 part. i weighed 161 just before Punkin was born, and i gained a total of 31 pounds. now i've technically got 19 more weeks to go, but technically, i've only gained 12 pounds. i know i need to show some restraint. and i need to get in the pool more than once or twice a week. that's going to be harder when i become a part-time single mother.

the move: i'm trying not to make it worse on el Jefe'. he's going to be alone several days a week, too. he has credit card debt that he's working on, that won't go away, that i won't pay off on principal (he needs to learn to control it himself), and there is no doubt that this move is costly (in more than dollars) and the interim, while temporary, is like running two households. we make do fine with one, nothing extravagant, but two is a little daunting for both of us.

i just hope he's not spending as much energy worrying about it as i do.

the camel's starting to look like a sway-back mule

2007-01-23T03:51:00.000-08:00

i spent the weekend looking for "amenities" in our new area. area, because el Jefe's new office and my new office are 25 miles apart. chances are one of us will be commuting more. it makes some sense to relocate closer to my new office, as it is closer to the airport, and both of us will be travelling. but his new office is in a smaller town that has some charm. oh, and by "amenities", i was looking for libraries, pools, a parks and rec department, day care ... some basic quality of life issues for me.

and i looked for apartments that would take pets.

turns out our number 1 choice is assisted housing. we don't qualify by any means. everything else is about $300 a month more. we'll be paying 2/3 of our mortgage for a temporary place to live, in addition to our mortgage, until our house sells. el Jefe' is getting a raise, but not that much. the reality really stressed me out. it's only temporary. it's just money. change is good. hey gang, bring on the platitudes!

we broke the news to my parents on Sunday. we had them over for dinner, and the Punkin was the star of the show (no show required). Punkin took off his pants no less than three times before their arrival; i finally convinced him to put them back on by saying it was the only way i'd play with him. (is that a bribe or a threat?) i suggested we drop the bomb before dinner; although it could ruin everyone's appetite, it might ensure my parents weren't completely crocked and would remember the news. it was met with about thirty seconds of utter silence, followed by "then we'll move, too." of course it is more complicated than that, but that was how they expressed their choice and in reality, it has huge benefits in terms of travel and providing assistance to them. if only they can tolerate the move ... no less find a place to live (they're a bit more high maintenance than el Jefe' and me).

the rumor-mill was in full force, performing like a well-oiled machine. el Jefe's new boss made an announcement Friday afternoon, after 5 pm, and the congrats started flowing almost immediately. the kicker was my department manager and boss knew about el Jefe's promotion before i made it into work Monday morning (thank GOD i had warned them he was interviewing for the position!) the easy part is i will transfer. but there are a lot of unknowns. much like finding reasonable temporary housing.

i'm really not complaining (yet). trust me, you'll know. but the worries are adding up at an astonishing rate.

another straw, but the camel's holding up just fine

2007-01-20T06:15:00.000-08:00

i got one of those phone calls yesterday that makes your heart stop. the receptionist in the office i was auditing said i had a page, i probably couldn't hear it, and my husband was on the phone. before total panic set in, i realized if el Jefe' was calling he was ok, so maybe it was the Punkin, or maybe his promotion, job, relocation thing.

fortunately, it was the promotion, job, relocation thing.

the good news: he got the job!

the bad news: he has to move in a month!

he was ready to turn it down because of the quick timeframe. shit, some people changes jobs with two weeks' notice (or less), but we've been in our careers and jobs so long we've forgotten what it was like. anyway, we arranged for us to talk over lunchtime, and we really tried to solve the world's problems in less than 45 minutes. i talked about flexibility and reasonableness, and temporary inconveniences, and temporary sacrifices. he had to make a decision the same day. i told him to either say yes, or maybe, but don't turn it down. and then i nearly had a panic attack.

el Jefe' accepted the position. i am so proud of him.

i've looked up parks, pools, and libraries so far this morning. i'd like to try to maintain a similar quality of life as we have here, if not improve it. we'll get an apartment and run two households for awhile, and i will become a part-time ( a couple days a week) single parent. do we get an apartment big enough for all of us, including the Peanut and two dogs? and then a house is the goal, but we've got to sell this one first (or at least get it on the market). and the Peanut, and the Peanut, and the Peanut ...

really, it's all good. i'm pretty sure i'll have plenty to keep me busy during my predawn hours of insomnia.

on the road again

2007-01-19T04:35:00.000-08:00

the week has been nothing short of hectic. i was scheduled to leave wednesday afternoon for an audit in Walnut Creek, CA. my day started with several controversial emails from coworkers in other offices about my stupid government parking lot job, which continues to be a waste of time and money (and certainly my energies). i ended up being 10 minutes late for my biweekly ultrasounds. i was most frustrated by the fact that el Jefe' actually came to the appointment, which is rare. he is not one of those husbands that attends every appointment. frankly, i have too many, and i kind of look at is as my penance, my responsibility.

the appointment went fine. the Peanut is fine.

my flight was late. i returned to my car twice to make sure i locked it (pregnancy fog). i went through airport security twice (because it is so fun). i read probably a dozen process improvement nominations for my company's awards program, which will be celebrated in March following a trip to San Diego in February for final voting and awards program business. tentatively el Jefe' and the Punkin will accompany me to San Diego. that'll be a first in terms of my business travel in terms of the family tagging along. we'll see.

so i've been busy with the audit. we basically work 7 am to7 pm, and are very focused in order to get things done. i enjoy working with and very much respect the lead auditor. he has been a great sounding board, and a great mentor. my involvement in the audit program has guided my career in a slightly different direction, has provided the much-needed satisfaction that my unrewarding projects can't seem to provide, has opened a few doors, and frankly i've gotten some decent raises for the first time in my freaking 20-year career. i've been told those raises are due to my performance as a quality coordinator, which is a diffferent role than auditor but the two are complementary.

i'm on the schedule to audit our Portland office in October. i've all ready expressed my worries regarding the Peanut ... the audit schedule does not lend itself well to pumping every three to four hours. With Punkin, i just held off travel for 11 months until that part was over. i don't know where we'll be living (and absolutely dread the thought of cramming two adults, two kids, and two dogs into an apartment). but as the time passes, relocation looks like less of a possibility. i'm ok with that, a little disappointed, but it would be easier. i just hope we can focus some energy (and cash) into our current home (finish the back yard, replace flooring, maybe paint?) to make it more of a home. it's not really nesting. i'm just ready for a change.

i forgot to check-in on-line 24 hours in advance. now i'm in the B group tonight. i'm obviously off to a rousing start to commence some changes in my life. or maybe i'm just settling for mediocrity and the status quo.

hell hath frozen over

2007-01-15T16:12:00.000-08:00

no, i’m not referring to the unseasonably cold weather that we are suffering through here in the desert southwest and beyond (across the country!). having spent over 30 years in the Midwest, in areas where cold temperatures are completely useless, snow is nothing more than a nuisance you have to shovel, and you can go months on end without ever seeing the sun, i know i have no right to complain about today’s high of 42 and low of 26 degrees (Fahrenheit). but i’m not complaining about the weather. i am commenting on the fact that a constant of the universe went awry this weekend.

el Jefe’, the Punkin, and i went to Home Dept this weekend. i had found a gift card when cleaning out the junk drawer (after el Jefe’ could not find one of the three rolls of tape while wrapping presents, so he had to do a late night run to the store Christmas Eve), unused, and if the gods were smiling and it hadn’t expired it would have a $150 balance! i’m pretty sure the gift card was a minimum of two years old, maybe more, because we get gift cards from el Jefe’s dad and i’m thinking this one was way-pre-Punkin (when we had time to work on the house, making it a home, instead of our current knee-jerk emergency repair strategy). we needed furnace filters. i wanted to replace two toilet seats that were cracking and disintegrating before our very eyes. and we needed to replace two sink drain pop-up stopper assemblies. el Jefe’ had removed the inoperable stoppers, leaving a gaping hole, which is far too tempting for a toddler. of course el Jefe’ and i disagreed on the size of pop-up stopper assembly, although the shelves were clearly labeled 1 ¼” bath and 1 ½” kitchen (or vice versa), but we did agree that we hate the builder-installed faucets. unfortunately the two gaping holes were not in the same bathroom, and one of said bathrooms has two sinks, so we ended up purchasing three faucets (and associated sink drain pop-up stopper assemblies). we are practical, but we have some taste, so we upgraded a little. thank god the gift card had not expired.

one bathroom is sporting a new toilet seat and new faucet as of Sunday afternoon.

i failed to mention el Jefe’ sent me on a beer run during the faucet installation. that’s to be expected. we’ve had plenty of 12-pack projects.

but i did not omit anything else from the story.

we accomplished a home improvement (or home repair) with only ONE trip to Home Depot. one initial trip. no extra tools or supplies needed. based on our past experiences, this is nothing short of a miracle.

i'll need to remember this after a tantrum

2007-01-14T17:47:00.000-08:00

this is my amazing Punkin.

saturday we went for portraits to commemorate his second birthday. eventually i'm sure we won't go to this expense year after year. it's funny because he gets school pictures taken twice a year, yet i feel this desperate need to document him (professionally) close to his birthday. (yes, this photo was illegally scanned, but i did pay for it).

i thought for sure his eyes would be all red and puffy as he had a near melt-down before we left for the mall. Punkin got some overalls from his godfather for his birthday (a machine gun would not be age-appropriate ha ha ha) and he has yet to wear them. i've tried to put them on him three times, yet he is very insistent that he wants to wear "pants". Punkin got up from his nap Saturday wearing a t-shirt, sweatshirt, and green sweatpants, and it took nothing short of a miracle that he is not wearing that very outfit in this photo. fortunately el Jefe' heard my cries for help and came to the rescue. Punkin actually made it through three clothing changes during his photo shoot! (at one point, el Jefe' was encouraging him to "work it" like a supermodel ... you'd have to be there.)

Punkin is doing a lot of new things as a two-year-old, and these are the times i want to remember. even if he's very upset and his timing isn't the best, he is starting to show preference in terms of clothing. he asks for my help when playing or opening a container. he won't sit in his high chair or a booster, or wear a bib anymore. he makes big towers out of blocks, and with Lego's he prefers that the blocks are color-coordinated. today he announced that his tower was "beautiful". he loves to make tunnels out of blocks. he is constantly taking out the tupperware-like cake container lid and using it as a step stool (and he exclaims that he is tall). he sings songs independently (sometimes twinkle twinkle, sometimes happy birthday, and lately the little pufferbellies song). he wants to help, whether it is putting laundry in the backet, or taking something out to the recycle bin, or carrying something (anything but eggs) in from the grocery store. he knows his last name.

i could go on, but suffice to say there are many special moments. i so appreciate them.

epiphany

2007-01-11T17:09:00.000-08:00

well, it has been two months and i am thinking about getting another haircut. ok, a trim. amazing since i went something like 13 months before my last one. plus i’ve got a coupon burning a hole in my pocket! too bad i don’t have another 10-inch ponytail to donate to Locks of Love. while i’ll admit the prenatal vitamins are good, they’re not THAT good.

i started the day dropping off Punkin a half hour early so i could get to a stupid project meeting, with a stupid client, with a stupid utility company that has received electronic files something like a dozen times on the project and has ignored our requests for relocation design for the past three years. the utility folks were late, and the meeting lasted 45 minutes and i easily spent the next four hours getting yet another set of electronic files together for the utility company. it’s all part of being a consultant. forgive me if i’m a little bitter that the stupid utility company won’t acknowledge me and i have been managing the project for the last three years. Punkin was none the worse for wear, but i resent messing with his schedule for such a frustrating and unrewarding job experience.

that is my struggle. i don’t think i could stand being a stay-at-home mom. Punkin is a wonderful kid, and yet i need some time away from him. i don’t think i can provide the social, educational, and artistic environment he gets at school. yet my career as an engineer is frustrating and unrewarding. i am transitioning into new roles as an engineer and am finding some things i like about my job, my career (which is amazing to admit to myself!), but i still dislike most of my clients, and marketing (schmoozing), and my projects are nothing to write home about. the projects are why i got into this business.

ah ha! maybe i’ve identified the root of my career dissatisfaction.

now what do i do about the haircut coupon that expires tomorrow?

five things you might not know about me

2007-01-10T17:04:00.000-08:00

i needed a little inspiration, so thanks, Belle. my blog is still in its infancy and doesn’t get much traffic, so any five things i write you probably don’t know about me. i could say my favorite color is purple, and it would be a revelation to any reader. with much thought, contemplation, and honesty, here are five things you might not know about me:

1) my favorite color really is purple.

2) i am outwardly very conservative and practical (although my politics lean toward the liberal side). secretly i wish i was more artistic and creative.

3) the smell of freshly cut grass gives me butterflies in my stomach. (anxiety from my days competing as a cross country runner in junior high and high school.)

4) i was a victim of a violent crime two days before my 20th birthday.

5) i don’t think i’ll be around to see my kid(s) grow up.

if you’d like to know more, i’m willing to talk about it, too.

Punkin turns two!

2007-01-09T17:06:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Punkin! you’ve changed my life. even though el Jefe’ reminds me quite often you’ve reached the terrible twos, i enjoy you so much more every day. it’s not that i loved you less back then; it’s just that i love you more (mower) now. i have to admit it’s a little easier; you don’t depend on me for a “mommy meal” (sorry, those first eleven months were tough making sure you had breast milk past your first birthday), you can express what you want, and you can play by yourself (sometimes, and usually i would rather just watch you than take care of some household chore).

i used to sing you my own little “Super Baby” song nearly every day on the way to day care; each verse represents a milestone such as crawling or walking or talking. probably belatedly, i changed the song to “Super Boy” sometime this summer. and occasionally, recently, you have requested it.

the year has sped past quickly. you continue to grow (almost 30 lbs, and now you’re three feet tall!) and learn new things, and melt my heart nearly every day.

thank you for the best two years of my life.

what goes through my mind at 3:30 am (and doesn't stop)

2007-01-08T16:59:00.000-08:00

as we approach Punkin’s second birthday, i am spending a lot of time worrying. i’d say “in contemplation”, but the plain and simple fact is that it is worry.

we had an early celebration of his birthday yesterday. Elmo plates, napkins, party hats and tablecloth, approximately 20 balloons blown up by el Jefe’ (without hyperventilating, and 20 because the 12-pack did not include purple), cheese and crackers and crab dip, chicken and noodles, carrot cake (sans raisins, because i remembered after pulled the cake out of the oven), cards and presents, all of which we shared with Nonna, Paw Paw, Gabby (their dog), La La (Punkin’s Godmother, and Corkie (La La’s 23-year-old daughter). Punkin got a lot of good loot and frankly any loot is more than we need.

we shared news of the Peanut with La La and Corkie. La La had noticed my ever-expanding size but was polite; of course they expressed happiness for us. Corkie announced she may be moving to Texas before the end of the year; my heart aches for La La as her life has been Corkie for the past 23 years.

Punkin loves to have company, and he sure acts up/shows off when people come to visit. he loves his grandparents; he loves the people in his life. should Corkie move to Texas, we can probably explain that. but what if el Jefe’ gets promoted and we move to the other part of the state? new friends, new teachers, new doctors, and very little Nonna, Paw Paw, Gabby, or La La. what happens when Nonna and Paw Paw succumb to age? or one of our dogs, his favorite, the incontinent one, who turns 15 in calendar years either this month or next, just doesn’t get up anymore? is Punkin going to resent being a big brother?

change is a fact of life, yet why do i worry so much about shielding the Punkin from the inevitable?

taking a little weight off my shoulders

2007-01-05T18:23:00.000-08:00

i've been up since 2:00 am this morning.
i told my boss and my department manager today about my "delicate condition". (like i feel the least bit delicate! ha!)
we also discussed el Jefe's potential move (and i guess mine, too).
it's ok.